It didn't last long ..

[Skoystah]

In my previous posts I explained the situation with my girlfriend, for whom I moved to another country. Since then she's been more or less pressing the marriage topic alot, and making drama about other matters (sometimes using knives >_<).

It's been like 1.5 month since our almost-breakup. As I wrote, we decided to try it again, but i clearly stated my point in the whole marriage question, that I couldn't make any promises on that, yet she wanted to give it another try.

It was going well for a while, but this weekend we hit a breakpoint again. It started saturdayevening, when we ended up talking about local politics, and the elections this weekend. I noticed already that our political views arent quite similar. Anyway, we started fighting about it ending up going to bed not talking. Then this morning she started again about how she didnt need me anymore, how i should just move out ... how she felt she is living in sin (cos she believes she'll go to hell cos she stays at my place without us being married). That last part is another topic which I have troubles with.

We ended up ignoring eachother most of the day, sometimes argueing ... and now she packed her clothes and left to home. It always amazes me how quickly she says 'its over' and packs her stuff... for me it feels like she's the one that doesnt care for me, that she's the heartless one, while she accuses me of being like that...

Anyway, dunno what to do ... maybe i should call it quits, even though i love her. I can't give her what she wants now, which is safety (in her opinion, i.e. engaging) ... I can just do for her what i can.

[alovehangoverr]

You lasted longer than I thought-- I gave it a month tops.

You can't force something to work that.. just.. isn't working.

The two of you have significantly different views of very key issues in the relationship. To add insult to injury she's a bit of a nut with a whole slew of her own personal issues.

Her leaving is a blessing.. you should do the same.

Move back home. Be with your friends and family. Stop trying to put bandaids on a wound that's already infected and spreading.

[Rollerderby]

Wow, way to give the absolute reason why marriage for the sake of "not living in sin" is the most bullshit idea ever. This woman does not sound stable, if she is threatening you with knives over marriage, how the f*ck does that coincide with any kind of true religious belief at all?

'MARRY ME OR I STAB YOU!!!! JESUS I REPENT!!!!!!!'

[Lite]

I'd tell her to get the **** out of my life.

[Yggdrasil]

Get rid of the drama queen.

[Doc Durian]

Turf her, and with any luck, on the flight back, you'll be in the position to join the 30 thousand club with a nice flight attendant with perfectly shaped norks..

[Skoystah]

Ok now I'm really going crazy.

I called her today, a few times. Repeating that I apologised for my part of the discussion. ( I did feel i was overreacting so i said sorry). She just said 'im fine, ok' ... as in 'i dont care'.
Tonight, I was alone at my place, but at the evening she comes in, asking if she can sleep here cos she can't get a lift to the train tomorrow (i live closer to the station). I let her in. Then she just ignores me, telling me i shouldnt talk to her. Then she goes on my pc, talking to a friend of ours, how she had a date, and many guys tried to pick her up. So I ask her about it and she just smiles and says she had a good time blablabla, that she can get anyone she wants, that any of those guys would marry her right away. THen she pisses me off even more by lighting up a cigarette close to me, which she knows I hate. Then she wants to go to bed and asks me to turn off the light so she can sleep, but normally the light never bothers her. And so on and so forth. I end up screaming '**** off bitch' in her face, I got so incredibly pissed, she was basically spitting in my face. Man ... why am i taking it? And why cant i ****ing let her go.
I just bought a lot of furniture (finally) for my appartment. Wednesday, my mom is visiting me here from Belgium.
The worst part is she's prolly right, many guys would just go for her, maybe even marry her, even though she would play them just like me. Guess it makes her feel powerful. DUnno what to do now. I know what i dont want to do, which is crawl on my knees...

[Yggdrasil]

About Abusive Relationships.

Abusive relationships are characterized by extreme jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, raging, sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal abuse, threats, lies, broken promises, physical violence, power plays and control games.

Abuse does not have to be physical.

Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognize, and therefore to recover from. Emotional abuse causes long term self esteem issues and profound emotional repercussions for the partners of abusers. Abuse typically alternates with declarations of love and statements that they will change, providing a "hook" to keep the partner in the relationship.

Abusive relationships are progressive.

Abusive relationships get worse over time. Emotional and verbal abuse frequently shifts to more overt threats or physical abuse, particularly in times of stress. Abusers are generally very needy and controlling; the abuse escalates when they feel they may lose their partner, or when the relationship ends.

A specific relationship is not the source of the abuse.

Abusive patterns are part of the emotional make up of both the parties involved. Without help and outside intervention the abusive patterns will be repeated in all relationships. The emotional volatility of addicts and alcoholics can create an abusive relationship climate. Ongoing therapy for both partners is advised.

Abusers are often survivors of abuse themselves.

Many of the attributes of abusers are documented trauma based adaptations to childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Abusers act out of deep seated shame and feelings of inadaquacy. They seek to pull thier partner down to make themselves feel better.

Abuse is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice - then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side. The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle.

If you are in an abusive relationship:

Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well. Group therapy helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view. Certain personality types are more prone to abusive relationships.

If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave - stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control. Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult, but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.

Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These relationships cannot be changed from one side. Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.

What effect do abusive relationships have on the partners of abusers?

Both emotional and physically abusive relationships take a deep toll on the partners of abusers. Self esteem is worn down, sense of options evaporates, self-care is compromised, and the power of choice is eroded. Partners of abusers may experience clinical depression, denial, chemical dependency, extreme codependency, and suicidal ideation or attempts. The abused partner frequently clings desperately to the abuser, believing that it's all they deserve or will ever get.

Partners of abusers experience denial of the abusiveness, both from their partners and internally. This denial is very much like the denial experienced by addicts, and just as life threatening. Denial and the loss of self esteem often cause the abused partner to remain extremely loyal to the abuser. (Until the denial about the abusiveness is broken through.)

Chemical dependency in one or both partners is extremely common in abusive relationships. The isolation of abusive relationships provides an ideal climate for the progression of addictions.

Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in ones perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. The victim has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. The victims self-esteem is so low that the victim clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

There is a way out! Abusive relationship recovery is a long and painful process. The first step is realizing that you cannot change your partner's treatment of you. If they are unwilling to seek help or acknowlege the abuse remove yourself from the situation. Find a shelter or move in with safe friends. Sever all ties, as the abuse may escalate when you leave. Ongoing contact with the abuser can throw you back into the shame spiral and keep you from moving forward with recovery. (One of the tactics of abusers is to grind your self esteem down so that you remain with them, believing you can't have or don't deserve better treatment.)

Working with others who have experienced what you've been through can help break the denial and rebuild self esteem. Honor yourself by refusing to allow the abuse to continue. Remember that by staying you condone the abuse and enable abuser in staying sick.

[Skoystah]

O dear, I'm finding myself in the same repetitive pattern again :s

So after this debacle, I stayed up a bit and went to sleep. She was actually trying to hug me in bed, but I was so pissed I pushed her away. The next morning I left for work without saying anything. Later she texts me, saying I ruined everything and she loves me very much. THen I mention again that I apologised to her, and then she says sorry, that she was lying about her 'date' etc etc just to piss me off. Anyway, I ended up again with everything more or less 'ok'.

It's so .. everything we're in such heavy fights, and I read this stuff on the forum about abusive relationships, I recognize it all. Then when things cool down, I'm like thinking ' naaaah, that can't be it, its not that bad is it? She's not that bad.' Other times I'm thinking 'what am I doing here, I'm not sure I wanna spend the rest of my time with her ... what to do?' I'm beginning to fear I'll be 'stuck' in this pattern forever. What can i do? What if I break up and later realise it was a mistake. Why am i so attached to this girl, after all she has done? Or should I maybe wait till I automatically 'change attitude' ... or something changes at least.