We broke up, Am I getting fooled????

[l000percentfat]

This is a little long, but I desperately need help!!! Everything keeps replaying in my mind over and over again....

My ex and I broke up last night. We were together for 2 years and 2 months. He never dated before, but I have. So, I was his first everything. We're both in college, but he recently graduated and is moving to another state in a month to go to Professional school. On the other hand, I won't get my 4-year-degree until next year and will go to medical school after that to whatever state accepts me. We were going to go long distance and wanted everything to work out, and ever since I found out he was moving, our relationship became a bit less stable, but we still loved each other.

Well anyway, this past Sunday, he went to a "going away party" that his friends planned for him. I don't like alcohol, and he always tells me he doesn't like to drink either and he hates the feeling of getting drunk, but he occasional drinks anyway. I'm okay with him drinking if he lets me know he will drink. He told me he wouldn't drink, but he passed out from drinking that night anyway. Of course, I got upset that he basically lied. He called me that night and told me sorry and that he wanted to talk. But I told him I wasn't ready to talk.

Yesterday, we talked and I told him I was still upset/sad and told him why. He constanty said Sorry and it was all his fault and what I say is right. I asked him if he thinks we should seperate, and his response was "I've been thinking we should break up. I don't want to. But I think it's best."

I said, "okay."
He says "Can we still be friends and still talk?"

I eventually ask him why he think it is best that we break it off...
And his response, "The incident on Sunday will happen again. I don't want to put you in that situation again. Plus, I'm moving to Florida and the dsitance isn't going to help. If in the future, I am done with school and we are more stable, we get back together. That's why I want to keep in contact. But if things don't work out, I wish you the best and hope you find someone who will treat you right."

I respond "I feel the same way too about the distance, Eversince I found out you're moving, we became less stable. It may be weird for me to tell you this now, but I still love you and hope it might work out one day. But if you meet someone else, please let me know so I'm not here still waiting."

The conversation goes on and I ask him what his intentions are and if this is a break or a breakUP?

He says, "I don't know, I never dated before. It feels like both. My intentions are to finish optometry school."
So, I tell him "I don't know either, but it seems like a break. Yes, we can be friends and talk. Are we still going to hang out when you visit, or is that weird for you?"
He says, "I still want to hang out, its not weird for me."


We eventually end the conversation and he tells me to text him before I sleep and when I wake up, since he told me he still wants to talk to me on the phone the next day. So this morning, he texts me to let me know he's awake, and I eventually texted him when I wokke up, and he immediately called me and told me he was going to take a nap. Texting/calling each other when we wake up and before we go to bed was something we did during our relationship.

So, I'm so confused. I don't know if he wants to break up completely and move on and date other people. I don't know if he still loves me. I don't know if he's keeping in contact with me so I can be his back up. Or does he really want to wait for me until he's done with school? Am I being blind and missing something? Was it my fault and the way I acted about his drinking party that we broke up? I'm so confused and broken....

[Yggdrasil]

I think, from what I read, that you're both having a hard time coping with the fact that you won't be together anymore, so in order to protect yourselves from being hurt by a slow and painfull deteriation of the relation due to the physical distance which will be between the two of you it's easier to simply break the relation off.

Now if that's the case, I suggest you both have a mature talk about that and if you both feel it is better to make the break final, to indeed do so, and make it final, instead of playing these kind of messaging games and all the other stuff that's only going to drag the inevitable out to such extend you're both going to be so stressed and frustrated about it other crap is going to happen.

Not sure if I am making sense here.

[Icej2k]

Yeah, break-ups are always hard, especially when you were together for a long time...

And I cannot really tell you what his thought processes are, as I don't know him. But this happened to a couple of my friends before. He broke up with her, and then he kept spending time with her, and it escalated, until she wasn't even sure whether or not they were together or apart. When they eventually got back together, they did not discuss the core issues in their relationship, and the dynamics between the two of them were terrible. But once they say down, and had a mature talk about where they both stood, their relationship began to run smoothly again.

Now obviously, you developed certain "couple habits" when you were together, like the calling and texting ritual. So what you need to do now, is have a serious talk about where you both stand. Because as you said, you don't want to be waiting for him. And if you choose that it is better not to stay together, the couple habits MUST stop. It's all good staying friends, but those "cute little rituals" that you had as a couple do nothing other than torture both of you, and trigger certain feelings that are not appropriate if you have chosen to be friends. And it will ruin your friendship too.

So you need to see each other in person, and talk it through. And I know it's easy to distract yourselves with small talk and attempt to ignore the issues, but it will not help you in the long run.

[REKEN65]

I agree with Yggdrasil. I went through the same thing. Distance, school, the career, etc. It hurts like hell, but you'll get through. The hardest thing for me was to see her with someone else, this is why constant communication between two parties will only cause more drama than necessary.

Have you thought about applying to his school? Make sure you cover all your options, and hopefully you may have a resolution.

[l000percentfat]

How do I thank you guys??? nevermind, i found it

Yggdrasil, or anyone: I need your advice, please?

He asked me if I want to hang out on Saturday because he will be in town that weekend. He needs to go somewhere, and its the same place he took me for my birthday, because he needs to pick something up over there and run errands or something. He asked me to come.... and it takes an hour to get over there.

This whole break up thing is driving me crazy on and off. One moment I feel so strong that I can overcome anything. The next, I'm teary eyed. When he called me or text me today, I kept it casual, quick, and made sure I sounded happy and okay.

HOWEVER, I've been thinking... if he really valued this relationship as much as I did and wanted to reallllllly work things out, he would still be with me now instead of waiting 4 years until he's done with school to find out if we can work it out or now... 4 years is along time, especially when in this position... time goes even slower...

Soooo, on Saturday when we are driving to the place, I was wondering if it is advisable to tell him that we need to talk and I will tell him:

"I am sorry I overreacted about the drinking incident, I was just really worried about you. I know we agreed to try to be friends, and I know you're going to move to Florida for school and that's not going to change. I also know you will need a lot of space during school to study. But I can't be friends with you, it's too hard to be just friends when I still love you. If you value our relationship and really want things to work out, we can get back together and work things out and I'll give you all the space you need for school and studying, and if you are going to go drinking, just tell me and I'll be okay with it. However, if you decide we should remain friends until you're done with college, I think we need to stop communication completely."

Is that going to scare him away? Or is that a good thing to say? Will his response tell me if he truly values us or not? Should I even see him on Saturday and hang out as "Friends"?????

Thanks

[Icej2k]

That looks like an ultimatum to me...
"Get back with me or we can't talk any more"...
So yes, it might scare him away.

But I am NOT saying that that is a bad thing. But you just have to know whether or not that is what you really want. And if you do say it, you will have to follow through with it. Otherwise, you'll continue to feel the same feelings ad you do now, but they'll be much worse.

I already spoke about breaking your "couple habits", and it is probably harder for him than you, seeing as this is his first relationship.

So just be strong. Think about what you say before you say it. And then once said, stick to it.

As for Saturday night, it seems to me as though you are almost purposely putting yourselves in situations that will remind you of your relationship, and build up tension that you won't be able to release.

You are not together any more, but you both act as though you still are. So I think that your ultimatum would probably be a good thing. So that you both know where you stand, and the self-torture can end.

[Yggdrasil]

I will tell him:

"I am sorry I overreacted about the drinking incident, I was just really worried about you. I know we agreed to try to be friends, and I know you're going to move to Florida for school and that's not going to change. I also know you will need a lot of space during school to study. But I can't be friends with you, it's too hard to be just friends when I still love you. If you value our relationship and really want things to work out, we can get back together and work things out and I'll give you all the space you need for school and studying, and if you are going to go drinking, just tell me and I'll be okay with it. However, if you decide we should remain friends until you're done with college, I think we need to stop communication completely."

Is that going to scare him away? Or is that a good thing to say? Will his response tell me if he truly values us or not? Should I even see him on Saturday and hang out as "Friends"?????

I don't know. It depends on how mature he is and how he understands what you are saying.

What you typed certainly contains the message but in my opinion it doesn't address the issue. One could experience it as a boundary, or as an ultimatum. Sometimes there's little difference between either.

If it would be me, I rather would say something among the lines of:

"I understand that the past few days have put a lot of stress on our relation. I also understand that the thought of us being separated for 4 years, is putting even more stress on our relation. Also, this friendship thing really isn't working from me right now. Every time I receive a text message from you, it hurts me. I can't live with that much stress and pain, it makes me very unhappy. I believe it would be better for the both of us if we cut off all ties till we both have fully dealth with our feelings, before we can be friends. I understand this is probably not what you want to hear but I would like you to think about what I just said and let me know how you think we should deal with all this."

With a sentence like this you one, you point out the problems and you invite to communicate about them.

Again, he may react angry, or be scared away. It doesn't really matter at that point in time. The important thing is that you addressed the issues and made him aware of them. I believe it's more likely that he will think about it once he gets over the initial shock when expressed the way I showed and that he may be willing to talk about it in more detail, in a more mature way.

I know my wording is far from perfect, but I think it should give you a pointer on how to open this for communication and problem resolution. You'll have to adjust according to your knowledge of him.

Of course, I don't know him, nor you, so all this is based on people experience and best guess.

What it all boils down to is: if you guys decide to break up, it has to be final, which includes what I call the "no contact rule" till both have moved on. If you guys decide to stay together, it better be with the commitment required to survive 4 years of separation.

I know this sounds like an old cliche, but love is also the ability to let go.

4 years is a long time and a lot can happen. What is meanth to be, will be.

In my opinion (and again opinions may differ), the best course of action is to set eachother free, in a respectfull, mature and kind way. It's already going to be complicated enough, and there is no reason to cause even more trauma.

I believe the best way of looking at this is like a book: a chapter in your lifes ended, and a new chapter opens.

[vashti]

I think you should tell him you will consider yourselves broken up, and should not be having regular contact with him. This doesn't mean you two need to be nasty to each other, but you are heading in very different directions over the next few years, and having someone waiting in a faraway place will not be beneficial. He is right that after you are both done with school, you might want to try to reconnect, but don't put your life on hold in the interim.

As a side note - I don't think you reacted appropriately to his having too much to drink on ONE occassion, given it was a celebration for him. It was a party situation, and you never should have expected him to abstain in the first place.

[l000percentfat]

Thank you for your responses everyone!

You all have a point and was wondering if I should get back with him IF the subject comes up??? Because it might on Saturday...

He called me just a few minutes ago, and he didn't sound his usual self. His voice sounded lower than usual, and unhappy, possibly sad.

He asked me how I was and everything, and I said I was good and everything is good. I asked him back, and he said he's just been running around town in Florida looking for apartments.
Then he suddenly asked me, "How does it feel?"
I asked him "How does what feel? What do you mean?"
He said, "It feels weird.... Us."
I asked him, "I guess it's weird"
He said, "Everything feels weird. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel."
I respond, "You mean, us talking?"
His last response before he changes the subject, "I guess. I don't know. Nevermind."

We have short phone calls, and I don't call or text him unless he calls or texts me first. He ended the whole phone call with "Call or text me if you need anything... Bye.."

I'm confused... what does he want or what is he trying to say???

[Yggdrasil]

Thank you for your responses everyone!

You all have a point and was wondering if I should get back with him IF the subject comes up??? Because it might on Saturday...

He called me just a few minutes ago, and he didn't sound his usual self. His voice sounded lower than usual, and unhappy, possibly sad.

He asked me how I was and everything, and I said I was good and everything is good. I asked him back, and he said he's just been running around town in Florida looking for apartments.
Then he suddenly asked me, "How does it feel?"
I asked him "How does what feel? What do you mean?"
He said, "It feels weird.... Us."
I asked him, "I guess it's weird"
He said, "Everything feels weird. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel."
I respond, "You mean, us talking?"
His last response before he changes the subject, "I guess. I don't know. Nevermind."

We have short phone calls, and I don't call or text him unless he calls or texts me first. He ended the whole phone call with "Call or text me if you need anything... Bye.."

I'm confused... what does he want or what is he trying to say???

I'm not sure. To me it sounds as if he's trying to get used to no longer having you around. You have to remember, you guys have been together for quite a while and now all of the sudden you're not.

He's probably missing you and trying to find a routine without you, just as you are.

It also sounds like he's struggling with his feelings. It's possible he's missing you. I really don't know, I only can guess. You'll have to ask him.

He certainly sounds confused about what he is feeling and can't make head or tails of it.

Again I think you guys should talk about this and make a decission on how you both are going to proceed.

[clacarica101]

dont know...maybe better for pas over, dont you think?

[l000percentfat]

I just want to thank everyone who responded to my thread. You all helped me through it, and now me and my ex are back together If I could thank you more than once, I would definately do so.

We realized the whole break up situation was more of a misunderstanding than anything else.

[whaywardj]

I just want to thank everyone who responded to my thread. You all helped me through it, and now me and my ex are back together If I could thank you more than once, I would definately do so.

We realized the whole break up situation was more of a misunderstanding than anything else.

And just as I was about to offer one of my greater pearls of wisdom. Damn! (Does anyone else here feel had?)

[l000percentfat]

And just as I was about to offer one of my greater pearls of wisdom. Damn! (Does anyone else here feel had?)

Heheh, silly, thank you.