Convoluted, confusing question...

[atpool]

Hey all--
This is my first time posting, and I have a bit of a confusing situation on my hands.

Just some back story -- I'm 22 years old, and I've only been in two relationships. One relationship was during high school, lasted a year and ended when we graduated -- we remain good friends -- and then there's this one. We've been going out for almost a year, and while I treasure what I had in high school, I dare to say this is the first "real" relationship I've been in.

Well, we've been together for almost a year now, and she's a very domineering, straight-forward, outspoken person that says whatever is on her mind -- and she's great at it. I'm the exact opposite -- a meek, timid introvert that only speaks when spoken to, and I'm used to being walked all over.

Still, opposites attract, right? Things have been great for quite some time, but over the past two months, I've had this lingering feeling of... something in the back of my head. I can't tell if it's the fear of being trapped, or what it is. I know much of it started about three months ago when her roommate told her she might have to move back home, and she told me she might have to move in with me. Didn't ask, but told me, rather. This wouldn't have been the first time we'd lived together, as about six months ago when I was taking seven classes and working part time, she had recently graduated from college and stayed at my studio for over a month until she found her own place.

Right, sorry -- back to the story. So, when she says she might want to move in with me, I freeze: I didn't know if I could see us living together. Then I thought more about it -- if I can't see us living together now, could I ever see us living together down the road? What about being together?

Now I know -- I *know* I should just take things one day at a time and be thankful for what I have, and I've been trying so, so hard to -- but lately these feelings of lingering doubt and depression have been more and more prevalent. We only fight when things don't go her way leading me to apologize, we see each other seven days a week, and I do my absolute best -- but lately, this "doubt" has been so strong, I've been unable to sleep for the past week.

I feel like I'm forcing myself back into a situation I had growing up -- waiting hand and foot on my mother and sister, disregarding my own personal well-being. That's why I moved 3500 miles away to go to college -- so I could establish myself as an individual. And I think I have. I graduated in May, and I think I should be proud of what I've accomplished. But when I'm with her, it's like none of my accomplishments matter -- my graduation, my promotion, my job -- I'm just waiting on her.

One of the first times we fought, I spoke with her on the phone on a very tired day, just saying I wanted to "spend some time alone" at a book store, reading. That blew her mind. She didn't say anything at first, but acted strangely. Then she exploded at me -- why did I need time to myself? It hurt her feelings that I wanted to drink coffee and read, and I live in so much fear of hurting her.

I'm just afraid of living in fear and walking on egg shells -- I've never even raised my voice to her. Things can go brilliantly, and then they can end up with me walking beside her like a lost puppy: vacant, and wondering why I'm there.

If you've read this far, I appreciate it -- I may have just needed to vent. I just fear hurting her SO, so much, and I don't know what to say when these huge bouts of depression and distance come around. "What's wrong?" How am I supposed to say that it's her?

Sorry for the over exaggerated post, but thanks so much for the forum. If anything, it helped to type it out.
All the best
-At

[SAVANAH]

thing is you've put her up on a pedestal and taking her off now will give her the idea that she doesn't mean that much to you anymore, that you don't love her anymore and so on...
that's the reason she blew when you wanted 'alone' time, she's not use to you wanting to be without her.

You've made her selfish by giving her what she wants all the time, and you've always put her first and you gave her the idea that her feeling are more important to you than yours.

You can't just take all this away from her immediately, take it slow and gradually make her aware of how you feel and what you want.... but if your unhappy and feel you dont see a future with her it's best to let go now before things get even more complicated and by doing it now you'll be saving her much more pain than if you decide to it a few months or years down the line.

You need to make her understand what makes you also happy and what it is you want and expect from her side and this relationship seems like a one way train.

I'm sure she loves you but she he demanding and you need to get that out of her, your a soft guy so doing things gradually will suit the both of you.

Just don't cause her unnecessary pain.

Hope everything works out!

[Yggdrasil]

Get rid of the control freak.

[atpool]

thing is you've put her up on a pedestal and taking her off now will give her the idea that she doesn't mean that much to you anymore, that you don't love her anymore and so on...
that's the reason she blew when you wanted 'alone' time, she's not use to you wanting to be without her.

You've made her selfish by giving her what she wants all the time, and you've always put her first and you gave her the idea that her feeling are more important to you than yours.

You can't just take all this away from her immediately, take it slow and gradually make her aware of how you feel and what you want.... but if your unhappy and feel you dont see a future with her it's best to let go now before things get even more complicated and by doing it now you'll be saving her much more pain than if you decide to it a few months or years down the line.

You need to make her understand what makes you also happy and what it is you want and expect from her side and this relationship seems like a one way train.

I'm sure she loves you but she he demanding and you need to get that out of her, your a soft guy so doing things gradually will suit the both of you.

Just don't cause her unnecessary pain.

Hope everything works out!

Thanks so much for the response

I do agree that I've unwittingly put her up on a pedestal -- I really think a large part of it is just being afraid and keeping mum when I really need to say what's on my mind. Then there's that fear -- "if I say what I'm thinking, I'll be a horrible person -- it'll be misunderstood -- I'll hurt her so much"

Just thinking of the way things are lately, and then thinking that I wouldn't be terribly hurt if we broke up -- I suddenly feel like the biggest jerk alive for even considering it.

If anything, I definitely need to take things gradually, as you said -- make my feelings and needs present, even if it means just asking for time alone and not worrying about the consequences, or not worrying about breaking the world if I say "no". I've been taking medication all of my life for Panic Disorder and OCD, and I can't let my relationship fall into a tendency, fear or ritual like so many other things in my life; there's just a fine line when something stops becoming a relationship and starts being an obligation. I just need to stop straddling that line.

Thanks again for writing -- I really think I just needed to say it (or type it, as the case may be ) if anything.

[SAVANAH]

Its a pleasure.

Sometimes we just need to vent

Good luck with everything!