the ex...

[Bo]

Bo, many people want to 'fix' other people's problems b/c its a distraction from addressing their own. Check your dark spaces on that.

When your own backyard is completely free of shit, THEN focus on helping others. Tho, I generally find its best to spend your energy helping those with *potential*. There is no %age in spending your own energy on a black hole (never comes back--to anyone).

Understand?

yeah I do tend to do care more about other than people than myself. I guess it's still easier to deal with other people's issues than my own cuz sometimes I feel like they're unfixable..

[IndiReloaded]

Well, you have to focus on where you are strong. Not sure how you decide something is 'unfixable', but to me it means 1) something past that can't be changed, 2) something not in my genetic 'cards' (e.g. becoming a professional opera singer).

The rest is just a question of focus and interest. But fixing other people's problems (especially when its not your job & they aren't interested themselves) is almost always a low-return on your energy investment.

[Bo]

He's an idiot. Hence, they're both idiots.

well the guy that i was with for 3 years is for sure an idiot, the new guy however...i don't know if i'm in the wrong or if he is. He's making it feel like it was my fault obviously...

Well, you have to focus on where you are strong. Not sure how you decide something is 'unfixable', but to me it means 1) something past that can't be changed, 2) something not in my genetic 'cards' (e.g. becoming a professional opera singer).

The rest is just a question of focus and interest. But fixing other people's problems (especially when its not your job & they aren't interested themselves) is almost always a low-return on your energy investment.

yeah well somethings that are in the past, most of it has to do with family and the way we interact with each other. A ton of shit...and me being financially unstable...

That's my problem, I don't like giving up on people. Even when i say "I fcuking give up on you", I usually don't mean it.

You feel like this now because you need time to work on yourself!

It's not easy and it won't be easy. But you need to completely remove him from your life. He's not your concern anymore. Do not call him, text him, respond to him, or come in contact with him in any way. If you do, you're back to ground zero. It's like climbing up a tall mountain. Someone's at the bottom refuses to come up, you're trying to get to the top and be happy, but need to backtrack to go and get them. So you're wasting all the energy on someone that's still not going to budge.

It's useless, you're leading a horse to water...and he's not going to drink. Leave him behind and make it up to the top yourself.

Pretty much he's been the one thing in the past couple years that I haven't been able to give up, he's like a bad drug addiction. lol. But i'm doing so much better with it now, we hardly talk and I don't feel the need to. I don't ever contact him but i'll answer if he tries to talk to me...

[IndiReloaded]

Most of it has to do with family and the way we interact with each other. A ton of shit...and me being financially unstable...

These are things you can do something about, tho. If you choose.

That's my problem, I don't like giving up on people. Even when i say "I fcuking give up on you", I usually don't mean it.

This too. Just mean it. Or stop saying it.

[Yggdrasil]

well the guy that i was with for 3 years is for sure an idiot, the new guy however...i don't know if i'm in the wrong or if he is. He's making it feel like it was my fault obviously...

No Bo, the only person who can make you feel anything is you yourself.

Seriously, think about it for a minute: does someone else have a remote control or so, to change your moods or feelings?

No, it's your brain chemistry that's responsible for that. Because you allow yourself to think that you may be, or are, at fault, your brain will react accordingly, thus putting you in a certain emotional state.

In order to understand this, one has to understand how the brain functions.

There are basicaly 3 parts to the brain:

The reptilian part of the brain (or R-complex), the limbic brain and the neo-cortex, neo-mammalian or intellectual/creative brain.

The R-complex is named for the most advanced part of the brain higher mammals share with reptiles. It is responsible for rage and basic survival fight-or-flight responses. Often, the R-Complex can override the more rational function of the brain and result in unpredictable, primitive behavior in even the most sentient of creatures, humans included. The Reptilian complex is the most ancient part of a very successful brain scheme, evolutionarily speaking.

The limbic system (or Paleomammalian brain) operates by influencing the endocrine system and the autonomic nervous system. It is highly interconnected with the nucleus accumbens, the brain's pleasure center, which plays a role in sexual arousal and the "high" derived from certain recreational drugs.

And the neocortex which is divided into frontal, parietal, temporal, and occipital lobes, which perform different functions. For example, the occipital lobe contains the primary visual cortex, and the temporal lobe contains the primary auditory cortex. Further subdivisions or areas of neocortex are responsible for more specific cognitive processes.

In humans, the frontal lobe contains areas devoted to abilities that are enhanced in or unique to our species, such as complex language processing localized to the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (Broca's area) and social and emotional processing localized to the orbitofrontal cortex.

It is also divided in two halves or hemispheres, connected to eachother via a bridge, one half is responsible for linear reasoning and language functions such as grammar and vocabulary while the other half is more responsible for prosodic language functions, such as intonation and accentuation.

Now the thing is, that once the reptilian brain takes over, the neo-cortex is shut down or bypassed. Gone are reason and logic and instead flight or fight responses automaticaly take over. Feelings of fear, anger, jealousy, incompetence, running away, self blame, etc which are all meanth to protect oneself from being hurt, show up.

When the neocortex is in control, that's when we feel loved and able to give love, care, understanding, sympathy, empathy etc.

What controls which part of the brain is 'in control'? Your own thoughts. Think happy, you'll feel happy, think sad, you'll feel sad.

This is how it work for every human being, without exception.

I quote: "Often, the R-Complex can override the more rational function of the brain and result in unpredictable, primitive behavior in even the most sentient of creatures, humans included. A well developed and healthy neo-cortex can monitor R-Complex activity in sentient beings." (Ben Best (2004). "The Amygdala and the Emotions").

[Bo]

These are things you can do something about, tho. If you choose.



This too. Just mean it. Or stop saying it.

well the money thing, will work itself out eventually when i get a stable career going but for now i'm stll young, broke, and living with my parents.
The other are unfixable...and i know they are cuz i've tried doing something about it for years