alright, well i'm new to this forum (just to clarify that) and i've been searching help for this dilemma that has been rendering me since the end of may. im going to tell the whole tale of my adventure in this just so it'll be more understandable.
it was exactly a year ago (july 4 08') since i fell for my friend. i've known who she was since middle school but thought nothing of her until i actually became friends with her in high school. i remember come my freshman year, i had a little crush on her, but thought nothing much of it. she knew how i felt but then kind of gave me a let down. but i took it straightforward and didn't seem to care and moved on. and then fast forward to a year ago. spent a year in college and now enjoying our first college summer vacation. it was at our friends 4th of july party where me and her started to talk. i took it as flirting (cause she was blowing kisses at me etc.), but that's just me. we talked and talked and so on and it felt like we were clicking. i played her a song on the guitar, (a song that she really liked) and she seemed to be impressed.
so fast forward a couple of weeks into her birthday. i played her songs and wrote her letters and such, basically hinting how i feel about her(pretty sure anyone would've found it obvious if they saw how i acted with her). she accepts it with a smile and a compliment and i found that is the only way i can make her have that smile, by playing her favorite songs and basically being a noble gentlemen to her.
months and hangouts pass and all those times i played songs to her. then come january and i think it's where the mistake hits. i gave her a stuff animal of a cat, with a sign around it's neck saying: to me you're purrrrrfect (an inside joke referencing 'love actually') but where i made the mistake is that on the back of the sign i put in question, if she would want to go out with me. i should've known then that's is where i stepped in a trap. i know she read it but she never replied. i felt like crap for a while but then recovered by valentines day, where i surprised her at her apt. and all. she enjoyed that the most out of everything (as what she told me) but i knew what i was messing with. i knew cause she never replied to me asking her out, i couldn't ask her to be my valentine. so i only wished her a happy valentines day.
and then now fast forward to memorial day weekend. we hang out and have a good time. throughout the time period of feb-may, i was thinking of asking her out straight up (taking advice from friends) before she gets taken. so after we hang out (days later) i met up with her best friend. she knows i like her a lot and thinks we would probably be a good suit for each other. but she tells me not to ask her, i asked why and she said that she kind of has a boyfriend. as i heard that, i felt my heart drop down south, as i was in a slight shock. i don't know how long she has been seeing this guy but it definitely puzzles me.
she told me that she(the girl i like) was going to tell me the next time we hang out. so since the end of may i have been feeling like shit. like seriously sad. she got that hold on me that i couldn't explain. being with her was one of those points where i was truly happy. where even days after our hangouts, i'd reminisce and wished to go back and relive it. i know that sounds dumb but that's how i felt. i knew a lot of things that she didn't tell anyone else about her and it felt like we clicked. the thing that also brings to me is the fact that i liked her before but didn't think much of it, and now i like again. i never had a re-lapse when it came to liking someone. usually when i get shot down, i leave it at that and within time move on.
but she's different. i don't know if she is the one, nor do i think she'll ever be the one, but though i am hurting, i feel that she still is. i know that sounds foolish but im just going through the motions right now. i have been trying to ignore her on my defense of avoiding being hurt even more but it failed(by avoiding myspace/facebook/instant messaging).. there is still a part of me that is clinging on, and there's a part of me that saying **** you bitch. but i truly wouldn't ever hurt her in any way, but i seriously feel like i want the guilt to build up inside her. or at least a sudden realization of some sort, because i don't know if she feels guilty. apparently, from what i heard from people is that my mistake was that i was being TOO nice.
and an update, since i have been in NO CONTACT whatsoever with her, i was thinking of breaking the NC rule. but i feel it wouldn't change anything. and what makes the subject matter worst is that come thursday, we are all going to the beach(she shares the same friends as i do). i put not attending which though i am sure i might have to attend. and i feel it might be awkward and all or maybe it will bring me down even more because she might bring her bf. and i've seen pictures of them, he looks like a nice guy (not a douche like her previous bf's) but it makes me think that she might've just thought i wasn't good enough.
i have came to the conclusion that i should learn to get used to this. i mean i felt like this before with previous flings and that i realized i've been a lonely mess. with that said, i was always close but not quite.
any response will help. and sorry for this being long.