I want him.

[Lana]

I don't know how I have got myself into this. It's as if I got struck by a massive Cupid arrow when I was sleeping and I didn't realise. Suddenly I couldn't think about anything else and couldn't function, apart from the most basic things I needed to do.

I'd never felt such attraction before. Such strong pulling at all levels, as if he's perfect for me, better than I could dream up. Images of him and me together kept coming into my head all day and night, no matter what I was doing and I was practically falling over when it happened. Literally.

I wrote about it once before. I had been seeing him around for a few years, because he was in some kind of relationship with my next door neighbour, but my feelings became so intense only in the last few months. I was feeling terribly confused and frustrated, because I completely didn't know where I was standing. I believed that I was receiving a lot of signals from him, but couldn't ever talk to him properly, because of the situation - I only saw him when he came to visit HER and she did all she could to keep us as far apart as possible. The questions going round and round in my mind were driving me crazy.

Then a few opportunities to talk to him and interact a little more came about and it was all very tense and exciting. I kept buying new clothes all the time, floral dresses, I put on fake tan, dyed my hair, trying to look gorgeous (and it worked quite well, I got a lot of positive attention form guys).

There were many moments when he seemed to be as smitten as me and as if he actually struggled to stay away from me. I managed to get his phone number and finally, feeling desperate and not being able to forget, two weeks ago I gathered the courage to text him and ask if we could meet somewhere and talk. He seemed surprised and agreed, however it took many phone calls to try and find the time that would suit him and he seemed to have problems even finding time to call, as if he was most of the time with her.

And he really wanted to know what I was going to talk about and asked me if I liked him, finally I admitted because he was saying quite nice things, like he would not let me down, he didn't want to lose me and that he couldn't sleep thinking about me. But he seemed very confused and as if he didn't know how to act, as if he wasn't very experienced in relationship stuff. He was kind of switching between flirting mode and apathy.

He also seemed to have a big issue with the age gap. He is 51 and I'm 37 (but look much younger). He seemed to think of himself as old and unattractive. From what I know now he has never been married and never had children because he had his heart broken in the distant past and then he ended up with my neighbour who is 56, a mother of 4 and a grandmother of 10 and she is drinking. She hinted to me on a few occasins that they have stopped having sex at least a couple of years ago.

After all these problems with communicating and arranging the time we could meet I started to get really annoyed and must have sounded like that on the phone the last couple of times. Finally he told me he was going to meet me on Friday early afternoon at some junction near where (I know) he lives. I had to arrange for my children to be looked after by someone and I went there by bus. He wasn't there and when I called him he switched off his phone. He called me back half an hour later sounding a little stressed and said he had an appointment he had forgotten about but couldn't have let me know because of her. He said he would meet me the next day. I lost my temper and shouted, then he hung up. When I called him later he said he wasn't interested any more because he was too confused and it was too difficult as I live next door to her. He said he didn't want me to call him any more and just kept repeating that and didn't want to listen to me.

He called me later and I told him this would be our last conversation and I needed a few minutes. I told him I just wanted to talk to him and he didn’t have to make it so difficult and treat me that way, because I had asked him repeatedly if I was bothering him or interfering and he had kept saying no. Then he said he could still meet me, but I said I didn’t want it any more, since he had told me he was in a relationship with her and there was no place for me in his life. Then he said no one knows what the future holds but by then I’d had enough. I just wanted to tell him that I had been thinking about him and very attracted to him and I did tell him that. He seemed to perk up and laughed a lot, saying that he might call me again or I could call him if I wanted to talk, but I said I just needed to forget about him and I would try to do that. He also mentioned his age at that point and finally told me that he was 51 and he said it in a context of “I’m old now so I’m not interested”.

That’s the whole story and it was yesterday, so I hardly slept last night and felt totally crashed all day today, I couldn’t eat, even breathe. I don’t know how I’m going to get over him. To be honest all I want to hear right now is that this is not the end. I would happily beg him for a few moments alone with him if I knew this begging would bring results. I’m shocked by the way I have felt about him in the past few months, something I had never experienced before and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m just hurting so badly. And since her and I are next door neighbours, I will have them both in my face every day and there's no where to run or hide.

[little pingoin]

What you have for him is infatuation. Anything you feel for him is brought on by your emotional attachments to your fantasies. It's not founded in anything that's real.

A relationship with your neighbor's boyfriend is a bad idea. One or the other of you would have to move, and that may not be reasonable for either of you. So if you're both stuck where you are, things will be tense and unpleasant - and the kids undoubtedly go to school together. There will be taunting, teasing, fights and all sorts of unpleasantness.

Your neighbor's boyfriend definitely goes in the Do Not Touch category.

Additionally, at the age of 51 if he hasn't developed an attachment strong enough to bring his relationships to "the next level" it's highly unlikely that it's the fault of all of his past love interests and more likely that he doesn't do well with commitment. I'm sure you are beautiful, strong, charismatic, and amazing in your own right, but you are not going to change him of that.

[Lana]

Thank you, Little Pingoin.

We did have a few conversations, which felt like stolen time because she was around, but it's not all quite a fantasy, because everything he said and did was amazing and perfect and there is also a very strong physical attraction. He has this special quality even in the way he walks that is just killing me.

As far as children are concerned her children are adults and have their own kids, who don't live in the same area. Yes, there would be unpleasantness, but there is quite a lot of it as things are now and there is no way out of it.

When it comes to his commitment, he seems to be quite committed to this old lady, since he is not willing to let go of her for a much younger and more attractive woman, who is crazy about him. And apparently they are not even sleeping together. I think he just has some serious insecurities, but maybe I'm wrong.

[little pingoin]

Ah, I had assumed some of the grandchildren lived with her, but if that is not the case at least your children don't have to worry about trouble at school.

I still contend that daydreams, observations from afar and a few polite conversations do not provide a basis for anything more than infatuation.

If you focus your energies toward an available man, you'll be likely to find your interest in him waning quickly. If finding an older man is a big deal for you, try alt.com.

[Lana]

I've been involved with available men in the past, so I don't think being unavailable is some kind of turn on for me. As a rule I stay away from anyone who's already in a relationship, but somehow this one got out of control. Probably because he seemed interested, otherwise I wouldn't have got myself so worked up about it. Also, because she had said that they weren't "properly" in relationship.

Also I am not into older men and this is a very first time I got interested in someone that age.

In the past the oldest man I was interested in was just 3 years older than me and there were several younger men that played some roles in my life.

This man's looks are also quite different from my usual "type", so this is all very unusual in many ways.

It wasn't just polite conversations, there were situations when he had to act and react to and he did it all in great style. But call it as you want, infatuation is fine, just the intensity of it is smashing me to pieces, day has passed in a blur and I have no control over it, just like I said before - something I've never experienced. So it's him I want. Can't even think of other men right now, no matter younger or older, available or not. I also find it hard to become interested in someone but if I do it often takes me a while to get over it.

[little pingoin]

Infatuation is not a bad thing. It just is. Would you truly call it love?

I'm just saying that this crush, like all crushes, will dissipate once you become distracted from it. By finding someone who is available to you, you can then allow yourself to focus your energies on someone who is able to focus his energies onto you.

What is it about this man that draws you toward the idea of him? Is it an air of confidence? Is it am impressive vocabulary? Is it a quick wit? What combination of qualities has this man looking like the sexiest thing on the planet? Figure out what those qualities are and look for those in other men. They exist.