Trying to Get over it (Help)

[Sevrn]

Is it me or am I messed up? I have been burned large in the past by women and find it hard to trust in the first place. Almost every woman I have had a relationship with has had an affair and I just don’t know why. Because of this I took on a zero tolerance policy that the first sign of trouble I would walk way. Normally you can tell after a week if there is going to be problems. One of the major rules I had was that I won’t and can not be with a woman who keeps ex boyfriends in the picture and has them as good friends because I have caught a few that think that more then coffee is ok.
I met this woman 8 months ago and I had the conversation with her that I don’t do the ex boyfriend thing. She said she agreed and that she didn’t like that either. We talked about a lot of things in that category and it seemed like we agreed on everything I ever wanted for a safe and secure relationship. I fell for this woman fast and hard. Two weeks after dating and being together almost every day we made love for the first time. Right after we finished making love the first thing out of her mouth was…
“I have an ex boyfriend that is a really good friend to me, we dated 2 years ago but decided we would be better friends. Although we are just friends we do have sex with each other once or twice a month and the last time we had sex was just before I met you.”
Not I love you, not that was wonderful. Needless to say my heart stopped. I reminded her of our conversation about how I felt about it and that I just could not be in a relationship like that. She said she understood and that she would tell him that she couldn’t see him any more. A week later she had him over for coffee and she told me that she told him and he said he understood. A couple of days later her cell phone rang and it was him. She answered and they chatted and laughed like they were old buddies and like they never had that conversation. When I asked why didn’t she remind him that he was suppose to stay away she replied “he only just wanted to talk” This did not sit well with me at all. If she was going to make him go away then I would think that they wouldn’t be talking on the phone. I did not say anymore and tried to forget that it happened. The next day I made dinner for her and she said to me wow that is good but you know who really makes this good “Insert ex boyfriends name here”
I just looked at her like why would I care and why the hell would you say something like that to me. She said I was over reacting and she didn’t mean anything by it. Later that week he started to call again and send her text messages and instant messages on MSN and she didn’t even bat an eye lid. She would talk to him like nothing was ever wrong. I again reminded her about how it made me feel and that I was very uncomfortable with it and she said she would take care of it and tell him not to contact her any more.
A couple of weeks went by and nothing, not a call or a text message or an MSN and I thought things were great. By this time I had fallen totally head over heals for her and she I, so she had said any way. I was just sitting and thinking when she came over to ask me what I was thinking about but when she did she called me by her ex boyfriend’s name. Now I was worried. I didn’t know what to think and soon after that the phone calls and text started all over again. Each time he would call it was as if they never had the conversation about not contacting her or how I told her I felt about it. She has said things to me like he was like a father figure to her 14 year old nice and that I had some big shoes to fill and sit and tell me what a good looking guy she though he was. This went on for the first 4 months of our relationship and the last time he called I lost my mind. I told her I was leaving her and that I couldn’t do it any more. She promised me that she would get rid of him for good. She said she called him “not in front of me” and told him to never contact her again. She even went as far as changing her phone numbers to make sure and prove to me that he would be gone. Since that day I started to loose that overwhelming feeling of love that I had for her. That was 4 months ago. 8 months into our relationship now and I still can’t get over it. I hurt over it all the time and can not stop thinking about it. No matter how hard I try I just can’t let it go. We broke up not to long ago because of me not letting go and starting to fall out of love with her. I tried so hard to get that feeling back and I just haven’t been able to.
I have been told by people she was having a mental affair with him. There was something emotional she was getting from him that she didn’t want to let go.
Why can’t I get over this? Is it me? Should I have been right to be angry and upset about this or should I have been able to just keep my mouth shut and just swallow my pride?

[little pingoin]

I don't think that exes are inherently a threat. I know others disagree with that, but I guess it just depends on how much you trust the other person.

Clearly, you have trust issues. You recognize this - thumbs up to you for that. You addressed it with her - pat on the back incoming. The two of you came to an agreement/solution - round of applause!

She reneged on her end of the deal. You addressed it, came to an agreement/solution, and she reneged again and again and again. Your word is nothing if you do not live by it. She had a choice to tell you to take your paranoia and stick it where the sun doesn't shine, but she chose to make a promise that she didn't keep. I don't put much stock in people that break their promises.

As for you, I'd suggest you find some way of resolving your trust issues. You could be missing out on a lot of great girls simply because someone they're totally not interested in sexually is still in their life.

[Graham Berkeley]

Exes aren't always a threat but clearly this one was. I woulda dropped her the second she told me she still had sex with the other guy. Make it real simple. Me or him.

Makes you wonder why they broke up if they got on so well... Maybe they never did.

[chunkle8]

you have all the right to be angry. you clearly expressed how you felt and she basically ignored them.
of course its hard to get over it, you were in love with her. remember her by the bad she has done and not the good (that always works for me)
i dont think she ever got over this guy, she still loves him (sadly) and i bet she is gonna get back with him soon too

[Gigabitch]

You have ground rules and you were clear about them. My question to you is why didn't you just walk away at the first sign that she wasn't respectful of them? When the first words out of her mouth after having sex the first time were "I have an ex-boyfriend bla bla bla...", why weren't your next words, "Good bye."?

[Sevrn]

I guess because I am an idiot.
She says that she wanted to do it but be kind about it. She said she was worried about hurting his feelings and that she just didn’t want to be ignorant to him.
God I am so confused.

[Gigabitch]

She's not kind. She's a liar.

[Sevrn]

For the last 4 months of our relationship he had not called or even tried to come around. After that last time I told her I was going to leave and she told me that she did call him and make it clear that he was to not call and if he saw her she wanted him to act like he didn’t know her. The last 4 months I have been the one having problems of letting it go. I think about it constantly and I always feel angry and hurt.
Is the ending of my relationship my fault or am I justified in still feeling this way after 4 month of no ex boyfriend?