Feeling like an emotional retard?

[khyyy]

Well, besides the obvious and somewhat normal, being shy when it comes to talking with women... I'm a generally shy person on the whole scale. Pretty much for as long as I can remember I've been a fairly shy person when it comes to talking about ANY form of feelings... anything I feel will make anyone think less of me, or that would piss off someone I care about even in the slightest form.

I'm also heavily paranoid about what people think of me, again though I only get this feeling when it's from people I like. Stuff as simple as I'll text my best friend to see if he wants to grab lunch and not get a response drives me into like a good 30 minutes anxiety attack because I start thinking "Did I piss him off? Wtf why isn't he responding, it's not that hard to simply say "No"." Let alone when it comes to me liking a girl I get paranoid over the sheer fact of her looking at me.

I just turned 20 in June, and it seems like for the past 3 months or so I've been becoming more and more depressed with each passing day. Pretty much, if I don't have some form of social contact within like a 5 minute time span of my last contact with someone my chest starts to tighten and I get nervous and get that feeling like I'm loosing touch with reality. I guess it would best be described as extreme loneliness. I feel like a fix to some of this would be somehow managing to get a girlfriend, however back to all my other issues I have huge problems dealing with that whole aspect of life, plus I don't really get out much with how many hours I work a week, I'm usually working, or asleep. At the same time however, I don't want to somehow manage to even get over all my self image issues an get a girlfriend, and be one of those people that is overly clingy and annoying.

As for self-image I've always felt a horrible self-image. I mean, growing up through high school etc I had horrible acne, that at this point has left me with a decent amount of scarring which definitely kills self esteem. It was also a big reason I never really tried to get a girlfriend in High School. Now that I'm out of High School and doing the whole college thing, I feel like I have no "game" if you will because I dread looking like a moron because being honest I have absolutely no idea what to say to girls I like. In High School doing the whole "shy boy" thing probably would have been cute to some girls, but when your an adult it looks pitiful.

I've also been told by pretty much all my friends girlfriends (most of which are actually extremely good looking, like girls I'd consider highly out of my league) that the fact I don't have a girlfriend is just beyond them. Granted I'm sure most of them are simply trying to be nice to me and cheer me up, but then again I am very very good at hiding my depressions because I've been doing it for so long, my everyday life has become almost an act.

I'm also not good with talking about my emotions to anyone. Pretty much the only person I've ever talked to, and it was one instance was my best friend. It actually happened on my birthday this year, I was over his place just hanging out, and seeing him and his girlfriend just kind of smile and kiss you know like the flirty thing hit me hard. It's not like I hadn't seen this a lot, I lived with them for 6 months so I saw this kind of thing everyday pretty much. It was more the fact I started thinking "Well I'm 20 years old now, still have never had one interaction with a girl besides just being friends."

Last but not least, is the fact that I've NEVER not once can I remember had a good friend that was actually my age. I've always gotten along much much better with people of an older crowd. My best friend is 27, and of all my other good friends the youngest one is 24. I'm also not usually attracted to girls my own age, which makes it harder yet again... almost any girl I look at and think 'Wow, your hot and a good personality which I had the balls to do something to get you' is at least 1 year older than me.

Anyway, I'm just not sure what to do to stop feeling so utterly shitty on a day to day basis anymore. I'm glad I'm not a moron or I'd probably have a drug problem right now, I mean the only time I'm in a good mood anymore is when I'm doing some recreational drug use. I'm not worried about ever getting an addiction to something like that though, I do it every so often for fun, but maybe once a month or something I'll take some ecstasy or throw back a painkiller. Just simply stating I've known people who felt the way I did right now and I'm glad I have a more rational thinking mind to tell myself that doing drugs on a daily basis will only make things worse.

Oh and sorry for the extremely long winded post, just have a lot on my mind right now heh

[Gigabitch]

So, is this shyness just about talking about deep and real things, or do you have a problem with speaking up in class, etc. as well? Now that you're in college, what are you doing for a living? Do you have any interaction with girls there?

[khyyy]

Umm, the shyness more or less talking about real things. I currently work in a retail store while attending school, where I do have interaction with girls there, I actually have another thread here discussing this one girl I like a lot that I happen to work with, but I don't think it's really going anywhere (also no, thats not the reason I'm feeling so down right now, it's part of it sure I won't deny that... but I've been feeling this way probably since around late March early April and it just keeps getting worse). Also, no I'm okay with answering stuff in class, mostly because... while I'm not a nerd person, I'm definitely a smart person, most of the time I can zone out in say a math class etc and still answer any question with good confidence that I'm not wrong. If anything it may just break down to an overall fear of failing.

I also have a really big problem with asking for things. Even something as simple as asking one of my friends if they want to grab lunch, or asking my parents if I could borrow like $100 or something... I have to really psych myself up for it, and in the back of my head I go through every possible scenario that could occur during the conversation so I try to have an answer for everything. This usually ends with me not even asking for what I want, because most of the ending scenario's end in a no, and I end up not even bothering to risk failure of what I want. Same goes for asking for promotions at work, asking girls out etc.

[khyyy]

One other thing I didn't really get into, and that just came to mind again now is a massive lack of sleep. I can't seem to ever fall asleep at night. I am always beating myself up over something, or have something very important to me on my mind, whether it be work, family, friends, girls etc. I've been rolling around in bed for about the last 3 hours trying to fall asleep and have failed to do so, I did succeed in making my chest feel tight though from working myself up over a bunch of stuff, then realizing I'd been in bed for 2 hours and working myself up over that fact. Any insight on this would be interesting because I'm not sure what to do to fix it, and I'd have to assume that lack of sleep would play a big part on how miserable and depressed I am on an average day.

[elfen31]

Don't worry dude, we've ALL been there. I totally understand the whole not being able to identify with people your own age. Not that it's ok to take drugs, but I do understand why you do them.

[khyyy]

Eh like I said, I know for a fact I'm not stupid enough to get addicted to them. Nor am I stupid enough to do something like Heroin, Meth or Crack. Everything else though I'm okay with doing. Also yeah, the disassociation with everyone my age is tough, all my friends are 21+ so, there idea of a fun time is going to the bar, or going down to Atlantic City for a night. I can't do that type of stuff with them, same concept with this girl that I have a crush on, she's 22, everyone from work including her goes out once or twice a week to a bar, or a bunch will go to AC, I can't do that sort of shit. I've even been invited by them a few times and couldn't go because they constantly forget I'm not 21 =/

[elfen31]

Well, don't drink or do anything else that you don't want to do when you go out with them. I know it's hard, but you either participate in these activities that you don't like or you tell them no thanks when they ask if you'd like a beer, or you don't go out with them

[khyyy]

I don't quite understand your post... what I'm saying is I'd love to go out with them and drink, but I can't cause I'm under 21. I would even like to go out and simply not drink, I've played DD before and still have a blast. Problem is most of these places you need to be 21 simply to enter. For example AC, your not allowed pretty much anywhere in the ****ing city past 10pm unless your 21.

[elfen31]

Oh. I misunderstood. Get a fake ID then that says you're 21.

[khyyy]

lol yeah, me and my friend were thinking of seeing if we knew someone that could procure one. That or simply driving up to NYC you can find one if you look around. We wanted this just for the simple fact that I could go out to the bars w/ all of our friends, not even for the work people I feel I'd have fun hanging out with.

[Gigabitch]

I think you need to get your brain chemistry checked. You're a wreck. Do you eat pretty healthy food? You're just so... nervous.

[khyyy]

lol I am a wreak. Yeah I would say I eat slighty above moderate on the healthy scale. My average meal is some form of chicken or turkey (not fried lol), I never touch fast food... I would however say I have a high sodium diet salty foods for me are like chocolate for most people. Yeah, I guess I am a pretty nervous guy, I'm always afraid what people think about me, and I'm constantly anxious. I used to also be much better at throwing it off my shoulders but recently it's become to much and it's really starting to effect my everyday life. A buddy of mine suggested I just go to a General MD for a checkup and explain to him the way I feel all the time, he said he used to have the same issues and they prescribed him some Lexapro and after like a year or two he was 200x better than he used to be and that maybe something like that would help my head to clear me up a little bit.

My constant nervousness is also the reason I prefer to try and be around as many people as I can during my average day. Being around friends and stuff really helps relieve that like chest pressure feeling, and definitely helps me get less panic attacks. Which I don't know if I mentioned or not? however I seem to get 1-2 of them a day on average, which is doing nothing other than making me panic more because I can't stop getting them.

[Gigabitch]

Yeah, get help. I'm not a big fan of pharmaceuticals, myself, but whatever works for you, do it.

[khyyy]

Being honest? I'm really not either, I don't like being dependent on anything like drugs. I like using recreational drugs for fun, but I could never imagine being dependent on a certain drug. I also here they are VERY addicting.

[livelove]

If you are unable to discover on your own the causes and to find balance in your troubled situations, it might help to receive some professional help such as Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). One good point of the LCSW is that they are not allowed to prescribe medications, which you may not need.
It seems that you are dealing with that 4-letter word, F-E-A-R. It can totally run and ruin one's life. You deserve to be happy. Embrace that feeling. Live now and don't live the "movies" playing in your head. Love the wonderful person that you are. The best to you and your journey. For more info, visit some crappy spam site I registered here to advertise.