the push over problem solver....

[zerokool189]

since the beginning of our relationship i feel like i have been either a counselor or a problem solver for my girlfriend. I really don't like to make people unhappy, so I usually just try to fix their problems instead of doing what will make me happy.

My girlfriend has been a competitive athlete since she was about 11. Most of her life has been devoted to her sport so all of her friends were the people who were competing against her. This has totally affected her ability to friend people. She thinks everyone is against her and that nobody likes her. She has 0 friends... I am completely opposited, my personality allowed me to be friends with everyone and have 0 enemies. I moved to a new town 2 years ago, made some friends and met her. We went through a bit of crap in the beginning and now have someone stabalized...

Life was moving fast when we met. She was graduating college and all her "friends" moved away and she got new roommates. I was buying a house. about 3-4months into the relationship i suggested that she look for a new place to stay and she could stay at my place for a little while. Well, a little while has turned into a year already.

I have always felt like i am her way out... I also feel like i am her world, I shouldn't be complaining about this because this is what people want... to be someones everything... But, this is different... I feel like she is living in some fantasy world and looks at me like i am her king. She does nothing without me. I work full time and have taken on some other commitments for work. She also works full time, but I don't feel she takes things seriously...

We usually argue about crap every week... I know its also my fault for the arguments, but i am really getting tired of all this crap. Everything to her is the most horrible thing ever, the end of the world, or the most stressful thing ever. She never has money. I charge her 0 rent, she gives me 200 for utilities and that is all. I always have to buy her crap or bail her out of stuff. I know its only money, but its very stressful for me. I worked while in college and made less than she does and I paid my rent, bought food and had very little left for fun.

Here is this past weeks summary:

We went on a vacation to the islands, had fun. Mid trip we argued because she was really getting in my face about marriage... (she has since day 1, apparently her ex and her were looking at rings... I have not even thought about marriage, I have been through 2 parental divorces!) So I kinda blew up and told her to stop badgering me about marriage (she asked if i would marry her, then said that is what i am supposed to say). like always, the next day we forget about it and are back to normal.

well I just feel like she really does not care about the things (sacrifices) I do for her, and she still manages to bitch about how everything sucks! We had an 8 hour car trip back home and i had a meeting for work half way between the two points the next day. I asked if it was cool for me to drive her up 4hrs then stay at my friends house, she continue to drive(she needed to be home for work the next day) and i would ride with a friend back home after the meeting. Cool, it was all arranged. BUT, during the drive up, she changed her mind. she wanted me to go with her all the way(so i would drive and she would sleep). Guess what i did... I didnt get home until 11:00pm and had to leave the following morning at 5am to make it to the meeting which was 4hrs away.

she left her car keys at her parents house some 8hrs away! it just so happened that my coworker was also going to this meeting, so i hitched a ride with him. during the meeting she calls and tells me some bad news, and now how her life is more stressful. i make it back to town at around 7:30, i am passing out at around 8:30 and she gets upset... I say screw it(i've been saying that a lot lately) and go to sleep... today she calls with more bad news. I AM GETTING SOOO TIRED OF THIS.

I am normally a very happy, positive person. I look around and I barely have any friends and I feel sad, but I care about her and would never want to hurt her. She does live with me, and owes me about $3500 (which was hard for me to lend her, as i am struggling financially... mostly because of her lol)

she is a really sweet girl most of the time, but thats what she is... a girl... I don't think i am opposed to marriage, i just see the way she acts and handles things. IMO she is not very mature, if i were to marry someone i dont think it would be her. But her and her family as so sweet most of the time.

Things aren't ok if i have to write this lengthy post on the forum, I also find myself looking forward to when she has to work nights. I have been feeling really smothered by her, its like she is still in the puppy love stage... but i know she isnt, she also tells me she loves me about 100 times a day. but she says it in a way that sounds like she doesnt mean it at all. i feel like i am watching a really bad soap opera.

Is there any advice on how to handle things? is the relationship basically over? I dont know if i am ready to end things, I just want her to give a crap about everything

[Gigabitch]

She sounds like a big drag. I think you should start drawing some boundaries (like making her drive the four hours herself), start limiting how much she takes from you and see whether you feel a little better without her constantly draining your energy.

Look at it this way- you're not helping her. You're enabling an unhealthy dependence. Help her stand on her own a little. This goes against your pushover nature, but you have to man up and do this because she won't.

[zerokool189]

thanks gigabitch,

I haven't posted here much, but when I do you are always there to help.

I think that will also help me. Someone told me that relationships should be really easy, few arguments and they should just work. I know I don't want to get married to her, but at what point do you say this is the end?

[Yggdrasil]

A few things that caught my eye:

She's a tad controlling and appearantly also a tad needy, you're reluctant of permanent commitment.

Communication between the two of you doesn't seem to be what it should be either. Arguing doesn't solve problems, it only puts them on the backburner.

Those are issues that can't be solved, if both are willing.

This is one of those instances where I would suggest (if you guys are planning on having a long relation) to seek professional help in the form of counseling.

[Gigabitch]

I think if you don't see yourself EVER marrying her, you should let her go. Clearly, that's what she's looking for. When you look at her, do you imagine her as the mother of your children? Is the the person you would want to grow old with? No.

I think she'll press that issue, which will give you a fine opportunity to say goodbye.

And whoever told you that relationships should just be easy is a filthy liar. They aren't. Not the ones that last.

[zerokool189]

it will all work out in the end, her plan was to move away for grad school since they dont offer her program at the local university. I think it will fizzle out once she moves... 8-9 months from now... I know its harder the longer you wait, but i am just not 100% sure if i am ready