Please I need advice

[Paro]

At the beginning of this summer, I found myself in a situation where I was going through the last stages of getting over my ex, celebrating the end of school term, and extremely intoxicated. I ended up hooking up with this very handsome and charming guy . . . who is in a long-term relationship with another person.

The red flags are already obvious. I continued to see him because I was under the impression that he was in an open relationship. I didn't like the fact that he didn't call me enough and I ceased contact with him. I later had to resume contact with him when I found out I was pregnant.

He paid for half of the procedure and drove me to the clinic as we weren't in a position to have a child together. After he dropped me off from the procedure, he went to a party and told me to call him if I needed anything. I felt so incredibly depressed, I tried to call him for ten hours but he had turned his phone off. He wasn't there for me during the worst of it, when I needed him the most.

He obviously wanted this to just be some frivolous fling, a way that he could have sex and just get back to his girlfriend.

That was a month ago. I've seen him twice and heard from him a handful of times, but I have gone through the terrible coping of this by myself. I have asked him to be there for me numerous times but he has yet to actively keep in touch with me, to see how I'm recovering.

I found everyone's tips on how to cope with breakups and heartache very helpful, but this situation seems unique. Obviously this guy is a total douche, but I don't want to hate him. I want to be friends with him, I want to respect him, because it is so incredibly painful because not a day goes by that I don't think about the pregnancy, and every time I think about it, I am reminded that I was completely used for sex and discarded.

I have been dumped before, I have gotten myself into red-flag relationship situations before, but it was easier to walk away from them. It was easier to say, "screw you, you don't deserve me, you're a total ass." But this is different. I don't want to hate him, I don't want him to forget about me.

I am feeling so many different types of pain. There's the horrendous grief from dealing with the termination of my pregnancy, and the yearning and pining over someone I can never be with. There's also anger, at him for making me go through this alone, and at myself for being stupid enough to get myself into this situation. I feel so conflicted towards him. I desperately want to keep in touch, to develop a friendship because I feel like I went through something so significant with him, but at the same time I see him as this vile serpent who has no respect for women, either me or his girlfriend.

How do I cut my losses? How do I accept that I carried the child of a person who regards me as a mere speck of dust?

[btworld]

I'm assuming when you say "procedure", you mean abortion? I'm not sure, and I'm not here to criticize, just to offer up a suggestion for others who may be in the same situation in case that's what it was, but I know the concept of carrying a baby for nine months can sound daunting, especially if you don't plan on keeping the baby, but there are plenty of child-less parents who pray day in and day out for a baby but can't have one. Finding a good adoptive home for the baby may be an alternative, and I'm sure the parents would pay for the birth, and you'd be granting the wish of someone who can't have naturally what you can. A win-win situation.

Anyways, for the topic at hand, I know it hurts, but you have to think about what would make you happy. Would it make you happy to be with a guy who used you and then tossed you aside, especially when you were at your darkest moment and really needed the support? Sure you would like him to change his mind and really want you, but that's not likely to happen. Especially when he had no remorse sleeping with you when he was with this other woman (open relationship or not), which means he would likely feel no remorse sleeping with other women if he was with you.

I can understand you not wanting him to forget you. You probably want him to feel guilty or want you back, even if you have no plans to get back together with him. My advice would be to work on yourself, go out with friends, do things that make you feel better, emotionally and physically. Start goals about what you would like to accomplish and focus on them. When you start feeling happy about your progress and seeing the progress transforming you, you'll have more self-esteem and confidence to move on.

You can't make anyone feel or think something they don't. But you can work on yourself to make you feel better.

Sorry this was so long. Just reminded me a bit of what I went through. I wish you all the best.

EDIT: Sorry, didn't see the second post until just now. Just to reiterate, not here to criticise the abortion decision. Just offering the suggestion for others.

[little pingoin]

Your hormones are resetting, and you're dealing with the loss of your child. An unwanted child, but your child nonetheless. The guy is a schmuck. He didn't pay for half of the abortion and drive you to the clinic because he cared about you. He did those things because he didn't want that baby in the world, and he didn't want you messing things up with his girlfriend. You should tell his girlfriend what happened, and then wash your hands of him.