My life of late...

[panther1]

I apologize if this is a little wordy. I tend to be so when my thoughts aren't at there most coherent state...

I guess a quick intro is in order. i'm 26, just graduated law school, and find myself no closer to any answers in my life then when I was dreaming away back in grade school. In order for me to get to my problem today, at least not without leaving out really important stuff, I probably should give the background.

The young me:
I'm an only child. I was born a somewhat shy guy, and I stayed that way well throughout college. It is only now that I tend to blurt out anything I'm thinking, and it usually provides for strange, amusing, if not awkward moments. (Actually, it usually provides all three simultaneously.) I come from a semi-religious family. I say semi, because everyone accept my dad is pretty religious. I also grew up with a very small but old family. Its small, but I've watched way too many people I love pass on simply because of age. I'm thankful to have both of my parents (of course, my dad isn't trying to help with that, what with his eating). Anyway, its a little off-topic but I promise I get to the punch line.

"One day in band-camp..."
High school, rather, my senior year of high school, brought my first real crush on a girl. Being the dork that I am, I was completely gone over this freshman. For convenience her name is Erma. (of course I could name her anything for all it matters here.) Erma was everythign I wasn't. She was blonde (still is), fun-loving, a bit of a skater girl, and of course, the object of everyone's affection. I was the typical band-geek. (I had the hair to prove it.) The first day of band-camp, the first day of high school for Erma, I fell for this girl. When homecoming rolled around, I was so nervous about asking her out, I literally fell out of my chair when she said yes. (I guess I had the whole "senior" thing going for me.) That was as far as I could go. For three years I watched her date all these men. (well, three.) I was so jealous. Me? I was a dork. I was gone over this girl, and really, there was noone else that compared. What made it worse, she had become my best friend. (Who didn't see that coming?). Well, to make a long story shorter, I finally had it. I decided I was just going to blurt it out and whatever happened happened. It had been three years! I told her everything. EVERYTHING. Wouldn't you know it, she said yes! She was a senior in h.s. at the time, I was a sophmore/jun. in college. (It sounds creepier than it really was. We are only 2 years apart age-wise.) I went to her prom with her. I helped her get into the school away from home she was desperately trying to get into, and then I transfered there too. (i had a connection so it was easier for me.) Anyway, we both ended up back home because we hated it, but we lived together for 5 months there (secretly of course.)

Hell's Bells...
Then law school rolled around. Law school changed everything. I was with the same group of people everyday for 13 hours a day. I talked with Erma every day, but I only saw her 2, 3 times a week. Plus, I was a weak guy, so parents said I should put school first, i did. I ended up falling for the girl i sat next to, easily the sexiest, most beautiful girl I could imagine. Whats more, we were actually great friends and she wanted me! At the same time, Erma found a dude that gave her attention. Basically, what she wanted. Needless to say, in a very short period of time, we fell apart. (It had been a division long in the making. I was getting more independent, she was getting more needy, it just was going in two directions.)

The Isa period.
Isa was everything I adore. Intelligent, ambitious, sexy, sensual (definitely), passionate, and foreign. I love(d) her accent. Isa also had problems in her past and I wasn't mentally equiped to handle it. Law school also became harder and harder, and that didn't help things either. Isa, after four weeks, was pushing to get married. I was wondering what was going on after 2. It became an emotional roller-coaster like I've never been on before. I loved her, but I couldn't handle the emotions. She wanted to start a family with me. I just wanted to graduate and take life one-step at a time. Especially since I had (have) no money and wouldn't be able to take care of a family. In addition, we both hated law school, but she hated it so much, that her dad pulled her out and she had to move back to Central America. She needed me so much that I never saw my family. Indeed, we were basically living together. I never got to talk to my friends, I never got to do much without her next to me. I remember staying up at night in her bed wishing I had the guts to do something, but afraid to. Whenever we'd break up she'd talking about wanting to kill herself. In any event, we didn't last the summer. Within three weeks of crying every night with her, my body couldn't handle the stress and I was in the hospital. I tried explaining what was going on, and how I needed a break and wouldn't be calling for a little while. I haven't spoken to her since. I spent the next two years trying to get my life in order.

The latin passion...
In the mean time, I became good friends with a Columbian girl who introduced me to one of her friends. Wow. She and I became really good friends. We spoke on the phone every Sunday night for 6,8 months before I just couldn't handle it anymore. This isn't to mention the fact that I was head-over heels for this girl the moment I saw her. Amazingly, this is the second incredibly beautiful girl to actually be interested in talking to me. This doesn't happen to me. We actually became really close, but it started out as a dating thing; I hope. (i picked her up, brought her chocolate flowers I spent hours making, bought her dinner, did it two more times sans flowers, that's dating right? I found out later she had a bf she didn't tell me about and broke up with him when she returned home.) I last spoke with her last february. Everything became too much. I was working 16 hours a day, sleeping 4 hours, and worrying about having no money and trying to graduate school. I just had to run away from everything. The past three years have been the hardest, most taxing three years of my life. They have also been the most confusing.

Erma-revisited
Some time about a year ago, I imed Erma. We had a messy breakup, and I wanted to apologize and man-up for acting like a spoiled idiot. You see, I am not nearly the same person today that I was three years ago. I wouldn't recognize me if I hadn't seen me in three years. Well, Erma wanted to meet up, she was still with the attention-giver, but wasn't happy. Needless to say, Erma wasn't expecting to meet the person she met. Erma started flirting with me within ten minutes of talking to me. (Believe me, it certainly wasn't a physical thing. I'm still trying to deflate from the stress-induced food eating.) IN any event, our friendship basically picked up where it left off. The problem is, in my eyes, I'm the only one who changed. She is still the same Erma i remember from before.

The condundrum:
I wake up dreaming of Isa. I love her to this day. I am disappointed that I wasn't man enough for her. I also am aware that I am looking through things with Rose-colored glasses. I miss Patti. I miss talking to her. I was actually falling for her, but, of course, she had to move back home. (This time she was getting AWAY from her father.) I don't know what to do about Erma. I love her today as much as I loved her back when. She feels like home. She feels like comfort. When we're "together", it feels wrong. We've tried getting back together twice. Nothing would make her happier. Everyone can see that she's head over heels. The problem is, I don't know how I feel. When we're not with each other (just as friends) I miss her. She's like the sister I never had. We have so much fun together. Everyone swears we're dating. We also have so much "fun" together, but that's on the D-L. The problem comes in when we try dating. It just feels awkward. I have this urge to get out. The same inner urge I had when I was with Isa, sitting in her bathroom wishing I could just get out of the window and go home. We break up, and everything is cool again. I don't understand it. When I think of being able to spend the rest of my life with one person, its Erma. I love her, I love her brother, her uncle. I just don't know what it is that won't let me be comfortable with her.

I'm sorry this is long-winded, but I needed to get it out. I literally think about this most of the day, every day. (I tend to be really REALLY introspective anyway, so I don't mean this in the nutty way.) I just need answers in my life. Why I'm still thinking about Isa, why I haven't spoken to Patti now, and what on G-d's green earth is going on with Erma?

I appreciate your thoughts. Again, sorry for typing so much.

A tired, confused, and sort of lonely -J-

[Fillmore Slim]

you need to love yourself first before anyone lets you in their life

[panther1]

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate the sentiment, but I humbly disagree with the analysis. (Doesn't make me right and you wrong.) I actually have plenty confidence about me. Just seems like the last four years is a blur and I find myself thinking, what happened, what's going on. I'm really confused about those issues I brought up.

[Prodigal]

After reading this (no exaggeration, but I mean it in a good way) summary of your love life, I'm quite speechless. I think the best conclusion I can come to is that maybe you are noncommittal? It seems that Erma and Isa latched onto very tightly. I mean, Isa wanted to get married after a month! I'd be very uncomfortable if I had been with a girl as clingy as her. You stated that she wanted to have a family, but you wanted to take life one step at a time. From this I got a sense that you were afraid to commit... and who could blame you? She wanted to get married after only a short month. It probably wouldn't have worked out.

As with Erma, there seems to be no doubt that you love her. You wrote so much about her, and when you say you think about her a lot and think of spending the rest of your life with her, I don't think I'd doubt your word. However, maybe you should evaluate by the word 'love'. It seems a little more sisterly or best friend-like rather than wife material. It also explains the need to get out when you start dating again. Think about it. After a couple/few days of not talking to her, contemplate. Do you feel lonely when she's not there? Do you need to talk to her, and only her? Try to pinpoint what your love for her really is. If you think you don't love her in that way, then I think the answer is that you haven't found the one you love dearest yet.