Confused

[Kewhy]

I've never done anything like this before but I am so confused and desperate for a solution that I thought I'd try anything at this point.

Its a long story but I'll try and keep it short if anyone wants to listen and give advice.

I had a troubling childhood to say the least, when I went into my second year of high school, however, I met a boy that left a huge impression on me. We had the same friends but he was a year younger then I, so I hadn't met him till he came to my school.

We became best friends quickly, he would walk me home from school and we would just talk, hang out..he would even play board games with me and my little sister. We would flirt a lot but the question of a relationship didn't pop up for a while.

When it finally did our wonderful relationship grew ten times better. We would meet up and hold hands in the hall, study together, listen to music, he even brought me to his church group. He had told me that his mother was a horrible one, she had two other kids and they all had different fathers, she was a drinker and a party animal still. Before he met me he was even starting to fall into those graces.

He told me that he wanted to be better then that and maybe even become a pastor. He never opened up to anyone but after a while he would share his deepest feelings with me and vice versa.

My best girlfriend didn't like him because I was devoting my attention all to him rather then her. Long story short I broke up with him because my friend accused me of betraying her and changing for him.

Shortly after that she stopped being my friend for some reason or another, and me and him started being friends again.

Throughout our high school years we were off and on, ignoring each other and being too prowd to apologize over the most rediculous arguments, mostly my fault. During my senior year we got into one of our biggest arguments yet and I ignored him for six months. We had classes together so it wasn't too easy.

He wrote me asking me to just forget about the whole fight and to be friends again for the sake of everything being less awkward at school, graduation for me was coming up and it would of been more plesant. I wrote him back totally lighting into him, telling him off. My parents were divorced and were fighting for custody, my mothers life long friend, a 53 old man, had tried to get into my pants, and my mother was jealous over the whole ordeal and ended up kicking me out before I even had my diploma in hand.

I told him I didn't need 'his drama' on top of everything else. That day he came to my work, McDonalds, and ordered a burger and sat in the lobby. I didn't give him the time of day. He left and thats the last I had seen of him.

I rushed into a relationship with someone from work and since I had no place to live we got an apartment together. He wanted to visit Japan, and a Navyman tried to get us enlisted into the Navy promising that we would make our dream come true. In order to be assigned to the same living area however, we would have to be married.

That day he proposed to me, and the next day I traveled three hours to get signed up for boot camp. His paperwork didn't go through because he got his GED from a college and had left his high school. I decided to drop out of the line for boot camp but we were still engaged.

We got married a few months later and have been ever since.

I should be happy, I know, but I'm not. My husband has a history of anger in his family. His father was an abusive man and made his wife earn the money, cook, clean and raise the kids while he earned his money under the table making house calls and selling drugs.

My husband isn't like that but I do have an eight to five job, come home to clean the house, cook dinner and wait on him hand and foot. When payday comes for me I cash it and it goes straight into his wallet. He refuses to work because he claims everyone that lives in our town hates him and he isn't fit for our society.

I'm not a party girl in any way but we never do anything. The only friends we hang out with are his friends. He gets jealous and yells at me for hours whenever I leave the house, so now I don't even leave it for anything besides going to work.

Several of my coworkers ask me to hang out with them after work and I say I can't. They claim that I am whipped and that I should stand up for myself. I have tried, I did confront him about my feelings but everytime I do he either twists my words or punches the wall and yells some more, saying if I don't want to be with him I should just say it.

I have been rolling over for more then three years now, and I have accepted the fact that I am 'stupid' and 'wrong' whenever I try and argue.

The reason why I am so confused, though, is because I still can't get my ex out of my mind. I wrote him a very long letter a few months ago about how sorry I was for ever hurting him and that I wanted to let him know that he was a wonderful person and that he had never done anything wrong. He said he had missed me and hated ignoring me. He is in a relationship and said he was getting confused though and didn't know what to do. I apologized for his confusion and deleted my account so I wouldn't be temped to write again.

I do love my husband, but I can't stop wondering if I had thrown away my true love years ago. I did love him and still do. He lives in the neighboring town and I see him every once in a while, I want to talk to him and try and figure out whats wrong with me, but everytime I do see him he looks away still to this day, and naturally I do the same.

I've thought about confronting him and asking him to yell at me. Tell me how stupid I was and how much he hates me. Anything to get him out of my mind, maybe that would make me realize that theres no chance.

I need help, I feel horrible for imagining my life without my husband, but sometimes I feel free and able to make my own choices when I do. My friend from work says I'm being controlled, but when I'm with my husband the 'control' is so natural now.

If anyone made it through that wall of text, any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

[Cain]

Even if things wouldn't work with your ex, you shouldn't be with your husband anyways. You got married for the wrong reasons and you need to bail before you get pregnant and stuck.

[Kewhy]

I want to leave, but I am everything to him, I don't want to hurt him. Sometimes I think its for the best for me though. Thank you.