Getting over someone who is still here...

[StormyGirl]

In Jan of this year, after a wonderful three years and a new baby, he announced he no longer wanted a relationship and was leaving and moving out.

It wasn't me, nothing I did, not my fault, don't try to fix it.

Of course I tried. Last year we went thru six months of marriage counseling. I thought things we going well even tho he kept 'forgetting' to do the homework we were assigned. After countless thousands of dollars I find out he never liked the guy and had no intention of following his advice. He claims that was the period he 'tried to fix us'. Not sure how.

Anyway, forward to January. He and his two kids (ages 10-17) are moving out, no more relationship no more sex or romance etc. Gonna move out.

Here it is Sept. He's still here for financial reasons. He wants me to pay him to move out (and take half of all the stuff but not half the debts). I don't have any money to do so, heck i'm in foreclosure.

But he still says hello, still is polite, still says things like 'honey' and 'dear' and
still sleeps in the bed with me.

But we don't touch, we don't talk, we don't have sex, we don't do anything together that is sweet or kind or intimate.

Every day is a new heartbreak - him living here, but dead to me. He's perfectly happy with this arrangement. I'm on meds to keep me from crying all day, but I don't know how to get over him. I work from home, in our bedroom no less. I'm trying to be polite, but this whole thing is killing me.

He never shares his thoughts and feelings but if I show i'm upset or sad he insists (hounds me) till i tell him what is wrong. I don't understand why - he doesn't really care about me, but seems he HAS to know.

Help?

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God. You can't even start going through the grieving process because he's still there. It's making me sick to think about it. You poor thing. What an awful, awful man. The only upside to this is that he's making it abundantly clear what a horrible person he really is and that will make it easier to get over him.

Did he ever come clean about why he wanted to end it? That "it's not you" thing isn't really much of an explanation, is it?

So, if you're in foreclosure, does that mean you're going to have to move? If so, I think you might as well do it now. Take the baby and go. Let the sheriff throw him out. He's smoking crack if he thinks you're going to pay him to move out. Come on, put your boots on, girl.

[StormyGirl]

As for reasons I've heard:

1. Too much water under the bridge - which i see as he's angry with me for something he doesn't want to forgive. (?)

2. He has issues with commitment (after three years and a baby??)

3. He can't be the man I want him to be. (Romantic, sexual some times, and there for me)

There doesn't seem to be anyone else.

I have three other kids of my own - ages 18-9-6 and he's the only one working right now (which is why i'm in foreclosure) He brings in enough to pay only the electric bill - i'm looking for work everywhere I can but haven't found anything.

He's nice. He's polite. Asks if I want anything from the store when he goes out. He invites me to his friends house on Saturday's where he goes to party - but if I ask if he wants me to go or would he prefer if I stay home he says he doesn't care one way or the other.

He gives me a half arm hug when he gets home at night and seems genuinely concerned when I'm sad or upset.

BUT - if I tell him the truth, that I'm sad and depressed about us - he gets angry with me and mad at himself for being the cause of my depression. Well, DUH.

Anyway - I'm just trying to get ideas on how to heal and get over him.

[Gigabitch]

Stop sleeping in the same bed, for starters.

[StormyGirl]

Well, I've asked him to leave the bed twice. The first time lasted a week. He got so depressed I felt sorry for him. He said he WANTED to sleep with me and felt better when he did. He came back to the bed and was actually affectionate. For about three days. Then back to ignoring me again. When I tried to bring it up, he said I was being manipulative and controlling etc.

The second time we just got to the talking about it phase - he was telling me how much closer to me he felt when he slept with me. So of course I let him.

Yes, I'm too nice.

[Carmen]

You're letting this guy run all over you. You need to have some respect for yourself and make the decision to either move out or have someone take him out. If you're just letting this situation drag on because you're afraid of the consequences of your choice, the longer you wait the worse it will be...Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?? When is he moving out? You need to find some strength and make things happen soon.... Sometimes being nice and feeling sorry for people doesn't pay off. Are you allowing this to happen because you have "hope" that he'll start caring for you? He'll never respect you and care for you if you don't respect and care about yourself. Good luck--

[Yagz]

I have come to the conclusion if you put yourself out there and they do not embrace you let them go. This is not fair to you and if he thinks its greener on the other side of the fence then tell him to leave and when and if he feels like he can love you again, come back. You might just find he is not who you thought he was. Stop the meds and kick him out!