Sex Life Help!

[whunt18885]

Im sure you have all heard this one before but I really need some help with this, so here goes.

I am a 27 year old male currently living with my girlfriend (also 27) in our flat, we have been together for 2.5 years now. The problem is that we have no sex life, this has been the case for several months now. It was fine up until about a year ago. Around this time we had to move in to my parents spare floor to save for a flat. We have now been living in the flat for over 6 months and have only had sex once! I understood when we at my parents but now we have our own mortgage and flat its dried up.

Overall the rest of the relationship is fine but the lack of any form of Intimacy is really destroying me - I have attempted to talk to my partner on several occasions in a completely open and understanding manor but it just gets her upset and we end up not speaking. It has recently got worse than that though.

Roughly 1 week ago she came back from a girls holiday from Ibiza. She enjoyed the holiday very much and is understandibly upset to be home again in the rain however ever since her return she has started rebelling. Nothing major just simple stuff like she has started smoking more openly to my face (she knows I don't like it etc) and she is also not putting any time aside for us. As an example I have spent 2 out of the last 7 nights with her and on both occasions we just sat in silence watching TV.

She will often leave the computer screen on when she goes out with her facebook page still on and I can't help but notice messages like - "I have stayed in tonight, so depressing can't wait to be out again" etc that she sends to her mates.

I would like to mention at this point that I trust her implicity and have no reason to believe that she has been unfaithful on holiday or at any other time for that matter - we have both been stung by this behaviour so we both feel strongly about being faithful

I have tried to spice things up by suggesting candle lit baths and going out for date style nights etc but nothing.

I ultimately reached breaking point the other day and esentially said (again in a pleasant and understainding manor) that I was concerned and that it needed to be resolved or I would have to consider our relationship.

Thankfully she sought some professional guidance from a counciller (she works in admin at a prison and councilling services are a perk of the job). After this she told me that she wanted to make things between us work but I am really concerned still. It has only been a few days since the visit to the councilling service so I know I need to give her more time, but this is eating me alive.

I think one of the fundamental problems is that I have never mixed in with her social nights so whenever we go out its always on our own with our own mates, I have tried my best to start socialising with her friends as well but its not making much difference.

I don't think its a physical thing either as I am exactly the same as when we first met, as is she.

She has always claimed that she does not have a high sex drive but surely two 27 years old can manage better than once every 6 months?

I have been in failed relationships before so I know how important it is to get things sorted sooner rather than later.

Any advice would be much appreciated.


Cheers

[miSSleepy]

When you mentioned the lack of sex to her, what did she say? Did she give you any reasons? Anything?
It just seems like, to me, she's not happy. I don't know why, but the whole thing doesn't sound too good. Have you started the counseling?

[ashwood85]

From the way you described her actions, it seems that she is becoming restless. When she goes out with friends, she can just let it all out (hopefully not literally) Maybe when she has gone out with others, she sees what they have, be it, freedom, less obligations or whatever the case may be and felt a bit jealous. She sounds like while she is acting out around you, she is analyzing things herself. Seeing how you react to her actions now will play a big role in how she continues to act.

[whunt18885]

When we talk she acknowledges that there is a issue with our sex life etc. She said she wants to make things right but her issue is that it will take time as we have gone for so long essentially without intimacy and living our own social lives. I understand that and I am willing to give her time.

She gets annoyed because I am not acting myself but I can't be completely normal with whats going on.

I think you are right though it seems that she acts a completely different with her friends than with me. Its almost as she is depressed to be around me.

I have been acting normally and giving her space is the right thing to do? I don't want to get needy so I have just been putting on a brave face.

Do you think I should wait to see how the outcome of her next councilling session is next week and go from there? How long should I wait before trying to be sexual with her?

[miSSleepy]

I didn't know sex and intimacy was something you need to gradually get back into the swing of - that sounds ridiculous.
I don't see this situation working at all. It's one big red flag.

[ashwood85]

I doubt that when she does go to councilling its strictly about your sex lives. Its probably a compilation of everything she is going through. How she is acting is reflecting some sort of emotion going on. I would give her space. Definately dont dwell on sex right now. I know it is difficult to see the one you love becoming more and more distant but it sounds like you are doing everything you can as far as suggesting romantic things and spending quality time together. She is rejecting that for whatever the reason may be. She needs space.

[ashwood85]

When it comes to talking about the therapy, just ask how it went, and if she wants to talk about it. If she doesnt, dont be offended, just be understanding.

About being sexual...try kissing her and she how she responds to that, then take it from there.

[whunt18885]

Update:

I have tried kissing her but it never works she kisses me as though I am a friend she has not seen for ages. This has been tearing me apart and the other night I made a stupid mistake, I started to question her faith especially on her recent holiday. I realise that this was a stupid mistake - I haev tried to make ammends. I have explained in a email to her (seems to be the best way to get my view across without be confrontational) that I was having a particulary rough time.

She has read the email but refused to reply and when I asked "what did you think about my email" she just said nothing.

My trouble is that I am willing to give her space but only if I think that will help bring us back together and to be completely honest right now all I am thinking is that giving her space is simply giving her more opportunity to get used to not being around me.

She still spends little to no time with me. I know it has only been a couple of weeks since I voiced my concerns to her but I there does not seem to be even the slightest improvement. Whenever we are together we essentially don't talk to each other its almost like we are flat mates rather than partners.

I am desperate to get closure on this, If she is willing to be intimate with me then fine but I can't wait forever however if she does not feel the same about me anymore then I need to know so I can start to rebuild my life. The not knowing is causing me so much grief - I feel like the captain of sinking ship powerless to help!

Do I keep trying to make this work or do I accept that the relationship is beyond hope and move on?

[Bumble_bee]

she sounds like she gets bored easily, and needs constant stimulation (keep her on her toes) and not just in the bedroom

stop talking about it, do some spontaneous things, dnt suggest you go out on a date arrange it, here is where you will find out if she really does want to put in the effort.

[Gigabitch]

I think she's had plenty of "space". She doesn't need any more.

It's not just sex that's missing, it's any kind of intimacy. She shuts you out of her life socially and emotionally and seems to be trying to piss you off.

Frankly, I don't know why you don't just chuck her. A lot of guys will put up with all manner of shit if they're getting laid, but you're not even getting that. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? You're not married and you don't have kids. The time to get out is NOW.

[whunt18885]

To be honest I think you are right. I have since laid it on the line so to speak and told her exactly what im feeling, I did not hold back I was completely honest. I basically said that as far as I could tell there are only 3 reasons why you would not want to be intimate with your partner. Either she is getting is somewhere else which she swears is not the case, or she has no physical attraction to me or she has lost all sex drive.

She told me that this is the exact same way her previous relationships have ended, that for some unknown reason after a while she loses all sexual interest and that it goes down hill from there.

I have told her straight that I need to be in a relationship with sex as without it there is a major problem. She agrees and wants to give it a couple of weeks to see how we get on.

Now that I have a deadline so to speak I am happy to give her that time however if after this time she still has no reason for not wanting to have sex with me she knows that I will have to end things.

I feel better as at least everything is now in the open and we are both aware of the fullness of the situation. Personally I don't think anything will change but at least by giving her this window she wants to have a good think, I can at least say I tried everything.

The only saving grace is that if and probably when it ends it will at least be a mutual decision.

I am just gonna crack on with my life for 2 weeks and leave her to her own devices - this way she can figure out if she wants to be with me or not.

If she turns round after her suggested 2 weeks and says I need more time I think I will have to just say 'if you can figure it out by now you never will' and move on.

[Linli]

Good for you. I hate to say it, but I think that this sort of issue is how my parents ended up staying together (almost 25 years of sexless misery on both of their parts) and now my mom is talking about leaving my dad for another man. It's an atrocity to waste your time waiting things out (beyond a certain timeframe, of course) just because you've invested so much time already. No one should be too patient when it comes to leading a happy, fulfilled life. (I hope you plan to post an update about this one!)

[whunt18885]

Ok so here is the update:

Well I suppose you could say good news and bad news. I will start with the good,We have got on quite well lately for the last 2 days - no arguments or fights. She has confirmed that she wants this to work and also agreed that there needs to be some form of deadline on this. As painful as it can be at times we both are of the opinion that if after a couple of weeks (around mid October) we will be able to say for sure we have a future.

Now on to the bad. We both went out on Saturday night with our seperate friends with the intention of meeting up later on to get a cab home together. We did not meet but that was more down to no being able to hear our phones. I walked home around 1am reasonably happy, had a good night with some mates and only merry not drunk.

She came back about an hour or so later, we both pretty much fell straight asleep. Anyway I awoke the next morning quite early about 7.30 am I suppose.

Now this is where I had a moral dilema, on the kitchen table lied her phone open (slider slid up) and the SMS inbox clearly visible. It was quite clear that there were at least 3 or 4 text messages from this lad called Tom who is the subject of all this doubt (she met him and his mates on a recent girls holiday).

Unfortunately I buckled and took a sneak peak - I shouldn't have done so but given the situation and in addition to the fact I still had a few beers in the system, I am sure most people would have done the same.

The messages which were all sent around 1-2 am were basically along the lines of:

' I wish you were in here in bed with me' and ' missing you' etc. There were no specific sexual comments however. These messages were not deleted but there were none in the sent items however replies were sent as there were obvious delivery reports in there, so at this point I know that she has received these messaegs and replied but I do not know what she has said.

I confronted her about it later on, she was not upset about me reading her texts and swore that there was nothing going on. She is adament that she has not cheated on me and swears that she never would, she also tells me quite convincingly that in her eyes there is no excuse for cheating and that she would tell me prior to doing such a thing.

Like I said at the beggining of this post we have had 2 decent days since then and have been relatively ok with each other. I want nothing more in the world to be in this relationship, she says the same. Her reason for not wanting to be intimate with me is that she needs time for things to settle down etc.

Part of me thinks that this is all a load of pony and that she wants to hang onto this as a fail safe until she knows what she wants to do about this Tom guy, however the other part of me thinks that you are innocent until proven guilty and that she will realise that what she is doing is stupid and we can rebuild our relationship.

For the sake of 2 weeks do I wait and see the outcome and get closure? Or do I end it now and never know what would have happened between us? By ending it now will that kick start her emotions into realising that what she has been doing to me has caused me pain?

I suppose its down to what my feelings and heart want to do, right now although its tough I think that waiting to see the end result will be the right move, if we end I can at least say that I really tried and I can move on.

So much s**t rolling around my head.

Also if we do split and it turns out to be becuase she does not want to be with me then do I have the right to ask her to move out instead of me. We have our own stuff so there is no ownership issues?

What I don't want to do is make rash decisions - that is when you end up going back and forth - I want my overiding decision to be one of conviction where I can finally say either 'were done - its over' or 'lets put this behind us and move on'

Its going to be hard, to be completely honest time to my self venting onto this forum really makes a difference - I don't have a councilling service - you guys are my councilling service.

I appreciate every comment you have good or bad - feedback in any form is helpul.

Please don't think of some poor sod struggling to cope when you think of me. It is hard but I will always try and be positive - the world keeps turning.

To quote DMX

' for every dark night, there is a bright day after, what matters is that you raise your head, dust off and handle it'

Stay tuned for I will keep you all posted.

Warmest Regards

[Bumble_bee]

I think this explains the lack of intimacy tbh....her head is somewhere else. Normally I would ask what you are still dong there, but she did say she was going to let yo know in these 2 weeks, at the same time I have to point out the faceless-ness of this all...

It is as clear as day that there is something (even if nothing physical has happened) is going on with this Tom guy, the least she could do is to be honest with you about her confusion instead of dangling you on a string....she copping out big time.....

Its your call...but I would head for the hills....best of luck whatever you decide,

[Gigabitch]

Well, how did she explain the messages from Tom and the fact that she deleted her replies? The only appropriate response to a message like that is "Piss off, I have a boyfriend" and why would she delete that?

I think you and Tom should have a chat. He might open your eyes.