Very unhappy

[Stuart2]

Thank you all.I am still trying to see if there is any hint I can get her to even talk about this but to no avail. If she loves me how can she just stand by and throw away 13 years of marriage, when I haven't even done anyting wrong?!?!

She has accused me of selfishness this afternoon, putting my needs over and above those of my children.....

If i had the merest hint that we may be able to work something out, I would stay. But it seems not.... and it feels like things will never be the same for me again.

[girl68]

She has accused me of selfishness this afternoon, putting my needs over and above those of my children.....

And she has put her beliefs before her husband and marriage.

It's a tie, you're both selfish.

But yes, you are doing the right thing. You can still be a great father.

[Stuart2]

And she has put her beliefs before her husband and marriage.

It's a tie, you're both selfish.

But yes, you are doing the right thing. You can still be a great father.

If I am being selfish then I should rethink things perhaps... I don't know. I still fail to see how her beliefs can be more important than her marriage when we both committed to the same vows.

[girl68]

If I am being selfish then I should rethink things perhaps... I don't know. I still fail to see how her beliefs can be more important than her marriage when we both committed to the same vows.

My point was to say... yes you're being a little "selfish" in leaving to get your needs satisfied (eventually) and to lead a happy life. But on the same token your wife is being selfish in that she is putting her beliefs/ religion above her marriage/ you.

I beleive you two to be simply imcompatible.

[Gigabitch]

I don't want you do leave, Stuart. You're not just leaving her, you're abandoning your kids. Don't freaking do this!

[girl68]

I don't want you do leave, Stuart. You're not just leaving her, you're abandoning your kids. Don't freaking do this!

Untrue. He's not ABANDONING his kids- he's moving out. You can still be a good, loving father- perhaps a happier and better father than if he were forced to live under the same roof as the litte miss fridgid.

If you see your children often, take them to practices, pick them up, take them out, dicipline them, talk with them, attend their functions- that is everything but abandonning them.

I'm a product of a divorice and in know why did I feel "abadonned" my father was always there.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't want you do leave, Stuart. You're not just leaving her, you're abandoning your kids. Don't freaking do this!

I've come to the conclusion that Stu actually decided to leave some time ago. Now he's just trying to seem as if he's tried every avenue.

Sorry Stu - from one whose been there, I know it takes MUCH longer than a few half-hearted tries to even see the HINT of progress. One trip to your priest just doesn't cut it. You two need to be in something like a year of counselling, single, then together, for me to believe you have actually explored all avenues.

You could decide from this process, for example, that maybe getting a 'silent mistress' is the answer. And no divorce until the kids are older, but you can't seem to think out of the box on this.

Whatever helps you to look at yourself in the mirror, tho. I'm not saying your wife is any better. If she were posting here, she'd get more than an eyeful. But I am saying that I can see the source of at least some of your marriage problems and they aren't all from her.

I believe Girl is right. You are both selfish. Congrats on being another statistic and producing another generation of kids like Girl, here.

[girl68]

Yeah, yeah I'm a horrible product all because my parents divorced. I now see how much better my parents are in seperate households. I now see how much nicer they are to eachother, I hear so much less yelling, I have more support from the both of them, I see them more often than I did under the same roof. HUH- what do you know, I have happier parents!

You couldn't possibly understand- you came from no doubtably a perfect family.

[IndiReloaded]

I never said you are horrible, Girl. That is your interpretation & you might want to think about why you jump to that conclusion about yourself.

I just feel sorry for you. I think that, given your parents can obviously be decent to each other apart, it is a pity you never got to experience how much better things would have been if they had gone through this process with each other. There are lessons from that experience that one simply can't learn through divorce, which primarily teaches one how to quit.

I'm not against divorce, btw. If you had told me that your household was abusive or some other extreme situation, then I'd agree you are much better off. But the data that is out there is clear: children who come from broken homes have much more problems with their own relationships and other measures than children from homes where the parents learned to sort out their differences.

BTW, no family is "perfect". This is one of the messed up perceptions that come from children of divorce and causes them problems later in their own relationships.

[girl68]

I never said you are horrible, Girl. That is your interpretation & you might want to think about why you jump to that conclusion about yourself.

I just feel sorry for you. I think that it is a pity you never got to experience how much better things would have been if they had gone through this process with each other. There are lessons from that experience that one simply can't learn through divorce, which primarily teaches one how to quit.

BTW, no family is "perfect". This is one of the messed up perceptions that come from children of divorce and causes them problems later in their own relationships.

You see now, how could "congratulations on becoming a statistic and producing a generation of kids like Girl" NOT be interpreted as sarcasm, therefore negative?

And you know how I know nothing about marriage because I'm not? Well you know nothing of divorce because you've not been through on (child or partner). I have, I know.

Don't feel sorry for me. I know much more than I ever would if they stayed miserable and unhappy.

What you don't know is how much of a pity it was to grow up the first 10 year with parents who hate eachother. No amount of counselling fixes 2 people who simply dislike eachother.

And their divorce did not teach me quits- it taught me to find what makes me happy, and to not settle for a life of bullshit. (bullshit includes everything from no sex, to incompatibility, to never ending fights, to you name it). Do I just give up when things get rough- no. Do I get OUT when things are un fixable- yes.

There are lessons to be learnt through divorce that you can never learn in an unhappy marriage. Your argument can go either way.

By the way my comment about you being from a "perfect" family was complete sarcasm. Because every family that isn't broken is perfect... "riiight" (more sarcasm). Don't worry my preception of relationships is hardly distorted.

[IndiReloaded]

Okay, you don't have to like it but I do still feel sorry for you. Isn't it funny how that puts your back up?

Yes, I can see you have become a delightful person, Girl. Much better for your experiences. I can see what a happy person you've become.

I hope that Stu can see it also.

[girl68]

You can feel sorry for me, but I don't need a pity party- I believe myself to be stronger and smarter than a naive person who hasn't gone through a hardship such as this- I feel sorry for those folks. And those folks don't have to like that.

I also hope that Stu can see that a divorce doesn't HAVE to ruin your children. It can, but it doesn't have to. It is all in how you and your wife handle the situation. If you fight, call names and all that jazz- yeah it will ruin them. Conduct yourselves with smiles, and politeness your children will see happier parents.

[vashti]

stuart - why don't you just ask your wife if you can have a mistress? I mean, sure you will be sinning, but your wife won't be (no divorce), and your family will remain intact, and there won't have to be a divorce. You can always resort to that later, if you still feel the need.

you know, choose your sin....

[IndiReloaded]

Conduct yourselves with smiles, and politeness your children will see happier parents.

Can you still smell your BS with your head so far up your ass, girl? Any couple who can divorce like this^, can stay married like this and the kids are better off for it.

And yes, I do think that any human who hasn't experienced hardship should be pitied. We should all go out of our way to experience: war, divorce, poverty, rape... people who haven't experienced those things just seem somehow--really messed up--don't you think?

Ridiculous argument. Grow up, girl. A good parent protects their children from these things. Again, I am sorry your parents didn't, its evident in your half-baked opinions. I'd love for you to be the one telling Stu's kids all the reasons why its so much better their parents divorce.

Seems all the married women with children: myself, Giga, Vash are telling you to stay married, Stu. FWIW.

[kai]

I think we are missing a very important point here regarding his children. After going through such an experience, I don't think he should allow his wife to put her stupid beliefs on their children. This will ruin their lives in the future.