Life is complicated

[adamsapple]

I just joined this forum. So here's a short recap of my life. Married since 14 years, 2 kids. Been struggling in our relationship for a long time. Except this time I have realized that it is over. Not sure if my wife agrees, but she's not too happy either. Sometimes it's better to separate so that the kids don't have to suffer. They see us argue, and it's not healthy.

My other problem is that I have been confiding myself about our problems to someone. Of course I had to pick my wife's friend for that. I've known her for years, but it is just recently that I have had the chance to really talk to her. And now I understand what kind of wonderful person she is. Yes, I've fallen for her. She's not at all pushing me into any direction, which I respect her very much for. But does she feel the same for me? I'm not sure. Since I'm just a stupid man, this would probably be a question for you women out there. I have seen signs of similar feelings from her, and on the other hand she's my wife's friend. And she's in a really tough spot. I don't think I would have let my feelings get to this point without any response from her.

I know some will say that I'm trying to replace my wife with a new love. Well, that is not the case.

So, what to do now? I do not know, any advice?

[Mish]

What kind of problems are you and your wife having?

[bluesummer]

Wow, we've had a rash of these threads lately.....13-15 year marriages with 2-3 kids falling apart. It's making ME scared to get married.

Seriously though adamsapple, back off of the friend. There's a few reasons for this. One, you're not getting fulfillment from your marriage, and so this stand-in confidant is obviously going to seem appealing at this point. It doesn't mean she's right for you. Secondly, she's your wife's friend. You are not only going to ruin whatever shred of a relationship remains between you and your wife, but also her friendship with this woman. Thirdly, if you're planning to separate, your focus for a long time should be the effect it has on your kids, and not your love life.

If you do separate, take some time to yourself and stop using the friend as a confidant. Focus on your kids and make sure you're mentally sound enough to be a good partner to someone else. That's not a quick thing.....I tell you from experience.

[adamsapple]

Wow, that were some fast replies there.
To answer one of the questions: My wife and I do not currently agree on many things in life. Too many to go into. And she's already moving on with her life. So why shouldn't I.

To clarify a couple of things: I know that our children have to come first. That is at least my priority now. We are still living together, but that's just out of convenience.
My new found friend (let's call her Jane for now) has really nothing to do with the break-up of our marriage. She just happened to be there when I needed to talk.
Like I said, she's been around us for years, as my wife's friend.
But my wife is the type of person that tends to talk about people behind their back. And she has during the years she has depicted Jane to be a very materialistic and superficial woman. I am a person that want to build my own opinion about people, but I've never had a chance to talk to her one on one.
Why my wife says these things about Jane is probably because she physically very attractive, so I guess she's just "marking her territory". My wife thinks that all men want to have sex with any attractive woman that comes along. Well, that's not true, at least not in my case. Of course physical attraction is important, but there needs to be more than that.
She also knows that my wife has been badmouthing her, she's heard this from other people. So their friendship is kind of tense righ now.
I have been meeting Jane over lunches and dinners, but we have not taken the step past that yet. Both of us fully aware of what it would mean.

[vashti]

Wow, you and Jane suck. You sound perfect for each other.

[jackyd232]

I agree with bluesummer completely. If you think things with your WIFE'S friend is going to work out you're crazy. It sounds like you have gotten too close to her when you should have been talking with your wife. It kind of sounds like you checked out long ago, when you should have been trying to work things out.

You've already emotionally cheated, now you're trying to justify going all the way. If you don't want to be with your wife anymore, finalize everything, be alone a while and clear your head before jumping into something else.

[ms sunshine]

This is an interesting problem. I have to share my story so you'll understand my view a little better: I was married to my ex for 7 years, we have 2 wonderful daughters together. We had a lot of problems during our marriage. I guess we were too young when we got married, things changed with time. Finally we decided it was for the best to separate. Once we both agreed to it, it became a lot easier to live together. We actually lived together for another year until we sold the house and separated. During this time we lived a pretty normal life, had friends and family over and things were ok.
My ex used to bring his co-workers over for his poker nights. And one of them was a man that I really liked. I had known him for 3-4 years, and we always got along well. There was nothing inappropriate happening, just talking now and then.So when my ex and I decided to separate, I did go out with his friend a few times.Just talking, nothing else. We did not take the step fully out until I separated from my ex. And now we have been married for 12 years, have 2 more daughters, and I love him as much as the day we got married. I totally believe in soulmates, and my husband is my soulmate, and he's also my best friend.
My ex was a bit angry in the beginning, but now things are ok. My ex and his new wife actually comes to our family dinners. Our kids are very happy right now, and I think both my ex and I are better parents now that we don't fight.

So my advice to you adamsapple: Lay low with the relationship with Jane for now. You said your wife has moved on, I guess that's a bit premature of her. But it does not sound like you two are going to repair the marriage. Try to settle things calmly, if possible. And see that the kids don't suffer, they should be yours and your wife's priority.
If Jane really is your soulmate, only time can tell. But do not go past the friendship at this point. If she really loves you, and you love her, you two will be able to wait. Good luck and keep us updated.

[adamsapple]

Very interesting opinions.

Jackyd-Our marriage is over, there is nothing I can possibly talk to my wife that would change that thing. And the fact that she's already dating another man probably finalizes the whole thing. Although she does not know that I know about it. Sure you can judge me for talking to her friend about it. But I haven't taken it any further than friendship. And that is the level we're staying at for now.

ms sunshine- I have to say that you have a really an interesting story there. Not too many divorced couple can talk to each other, yet alone have dinners with each others families. You and your ex have managed to see past the previous problems and made the best out of it for the kids. Hats off to that. And you seem to have had a similar situation as I'm in now. So you pretty much understand what is going on in my life.
Yes, I am slowing down my friendship/relationship with Jane. Even though my wife has taken the step, I still respect her enough so that I will not do the same. I'm hoping that once this all is over, I can have a similar relationship as you have to your ex. Although somehow I doubt it.