This is going to be a novel, but... I need advice.

[Ronin]

I met a woman two and a half years ago, her name is Mikey. We hit things off pretty well. She was attached to a guy and I was fresh out of a divorce so I wasn't intent on making moves on her. Her then-boyfriend would barely commit to anything and ended up breaking her heart and really tearing her down. She eventually left him.

I'd been keeping in constant contact with her the whole time and we'd had a few lunch dates but nothing really serious. She went to a friend's birthday party and the guy was there. He started tearing into her there, in front of god and everyone, and really letting her have it over nothing at all. She left, drunken and crying. I went home little later.

At 5 am a knock came on my door. It was her, mascara running down her face. I brought her in and let her vent, just taking it all in. I started cracking a few jokes and she began laughing, and the next thing you know, we kiss. It's electric. I'm lost in her and she in me and we KNOW something is right.

Over the next months, we eventually fall in love. We are (and remain) a perfect match. She and I are completely comfortable with each other- with our mannerisms, our way of speaking, the little touches and carresses, making love, breaking down on bad days, even when we argue, it's still there. Our relationship eventually blossomed into an engagement and everything was perfect. It was a fairy tale existence for me, something I never had felt or even believed in before, not even with my previous wife. She was what everyone deserves in this life- My best friend, lover, confidant, partner, and soul-mate.

Then I screwed up. I have an addictive personality. I had slowly become an alcoholic since my divorce and now the ugly signs of it were starting to show. I don't want to get into a lot of detail here but my behavior changed. I became irritable, irresponsible, lazy and sometimes mean. I took everything that was wonderful and beautiful about her for granted. I ended up pushing her away. She left me eventually. I still kick myself for letting her slip away.

Some time had passed and we talked again. She forgave me for the way I had acted, and I expressed my desire to get help for my drinking. she became my AA sponsor and was a rock for me. She began dating other people and I tried but never could find someone that made me feel the way she did. We talked about our failures in dating other people and wishing things could be the way they were. Lots of people talk about it, but not many succeed.

A few weeks after that, I was preparing myself to go on a date and the phone rang. It was her. She asked me what I was doing, and i told her I was about to go out. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears when she asked me to please come over. I did, and then she told me that she needed me, she was sorry she let me go and it was a mistake. We made love like it was the first time and felt all of those feelings just like we used to. We started working towards a relationship again.

I stopped dating other women, she stopped dating the one guy she had been seeing, Miguel. They had been dating a little for about two months and she had been very attracted to him, but he was not looking for a relationship and she was. She had some strong feelings for him but she broke it off.

Two days ago, I was out of town and she was at her place. She'd had a little too much to drink when Miguel came knocking. He invited himself in and they talked. He fed her more and more alcohol until she was past the point of all control. Then they slept together. She said no at first, but then gave in to his good looks and charm. In the morning he was gone.

She feels horrible. She feels that she has betrayed herself and us, and she told him she never wants to see him again. But she hurts. She had a different connection with him, one similar to the one she and I had. They had a chemistry. She is crushed by his inability to truly care about her, and she knows now that he just used her for sex. Something in her has broken. I only want happiness for her and this is killing me to be betrayed like this, and to see her hurt.

She has been with me through so much. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I love her and I think I can forgive this, but I need to find a way to help her forgive herself and move on past Miguel. every word he spoke to her was a lie and she is in a lot of pain. She feels like she's been emotionally raped. She looks like a zombie walking around, and is unresponsive to even the kindest acts of sympathy and care. She is shattered.

What can I do? I know I want her in my life, there is no doubt and I can't accept any other alternative. I can move past her mistake but I don't know if SHE can.

Thoughts? Ideas?

Sorry about the long story BTW.

[Bumble_bee]

I think you are putting yourself in a very difficult situation, your love for her is admirable, but she was, and might still be in love with this man....hence her moping about like someone has just died.

I think you should give her some space to figure this one out, I do not think- if you guys are to rekindle your relationship, that this is healthy for either of you, for her to have you over her shoulder whilst she gets over this guy, and for you to be watching her cry over another man...these things will have an effect on both of you in the long run.

be supportive, let her know you do not hold anything against her, and that you still love her dearly, but that you want her to be sure that it is you she wants before you start over.

I'm only saying this because I think you actually may have a chance to get back together, but not under these circumstances, be fair to eachother.

[Ronin]

be supportive, let her know you do not hold anything against her, and that you still love her dearly, but that you want her to be sure that it is you she wants before you start over.

This is what I'm struggling with. She told me implicitly that she DOES want me.

I understand it will be hard for her to get over this guy. He was the first real connection that she had since she and I split, and he greatly betrayed her trust and faith in his goodwill, of which there was none.

There is a fine line here that I feel I have to walk: one of concern, compassion, friendship and love; one of letting her have her space and time. I really suck at these kind of things. All I want to do is be there for her but I know I'll smother her if I let myself get carried away.

i guess I have to reassure myself by remembering that I'm a phone call and a 10 minute drive away.

[Bumble_bee]

^^you do, and you can, let her get over this idiot, she knows where you are, and I'm sure she will come to you when she has pulled herself together...best wishes