jealousy was the death of our relationship

[traaaaalala]

i had been dating the most amazing guy for a year and a half. this summer, i recently started getting jealous because he would hang out with one of his friends who happened to be a girl when i was on vacation. i was jealous, of course. at first i tried to keep it to myself, but eventually i realized that i needed to tell him how i felt, so i told him that i was jealous. also, he went to visit his cousins in pennsylvania and ended up hanging out with one of his old girl friends too. so of course, i got jealous again.

i had to leave for college at the end of august, while he is still at home in high school. he told me that we needed to end things because a long distance relationship just wouldn't work out for us, even though we're only an hour and a half apart. a couple weeks later, he told me that he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. and tonight we talked about why a long distance relationship wouldn't work for us, and he said it's because i would be too jealous if he hung out with his girl friends.

i know that i messed our relationship up by being such a jealous person, and i really want to fix it so we can be happy again. i know now that i will stop being jealous because it cost me our relationship. so i know i can do it.

how do i prove to him that i won't be jealous if we get together again?

[IncognitoSir]

I think the only way you can prove to him you wont be jealous is, not being jealous. Do you really think you can not be jealous though? There's a fine line between not being jealous and ignoring your jealousy because you don't want him to break up with you. You have to be honest with yourself about that though. If you get back with him and you're still jealous and hold it all in, it'll just consume you in the end. I wish the best for you though.

[bloodtippedrose]

You have to say to yourself and KNOW that you don't need a guy to be happy. period. you can be independent and happy and not be in a relationship at the same time.

also you must communicate very freely and often as possible between who you're going to be with. If something upsets you then dont let it slide. talk about it. Dont get emotional. Try and figure out why you feel a certain way. Do not give the cold shoulder when youre mad either -_-

You have to be happy with your body and yourself so you're not so insecure about other girls. Why does my boyfriend stay with me? because I'm an incredible girlfriend. I cook him food and take him out sometimes and surprise him and I work hard and fufill his sexual quarks etc. Why would he leave me? he wouldnt because Im incredible and he couldnt find a better girlfriend if he wanted to. if he wants to leave its his loss. You have to think like that, KNOW you have alot to offer if not more!

Think about it. WHY do you get jealous? Is it because you think youre ugly? is it because you're uncomfortable with your body or because you fight with guys all the time while other girls can make him laugh? You have to look within yourself to find out why your jealous and then work on fixing it.

When you're dating someone and you feel jealousy start taking over then just stop yourself. Think to yourself what sparked it and do NOT just let your emotions take over. Think about what youre doing and mentally stop yourself from getting mad at your boyfriend or whoever as best you can.

Above everything you must TRUST him. Have security in the relationship. When he communicates with you about something that bothers him dont punish that by getting mad at him. You need to get a hold of your emotions. Otherwise he will be conditioned to NOT tell you shit that upsets him and communication will diminish with the quality of the relationship. Also I dont know if you do this or not but if you do: Please dont blame the other person for things. its your life, you have the reins, if you dont like something you can change it. But dont have someone you fell in love with change.
Its all a mental vs. emotional thing

[Bumble_bee]

[url]http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/heartaches_jealousy.shtml[/url]

[Primo]

From a guy's perspective, he's dumping you, moving on and trying to do it nicely. We only label girls jealous or needy when we don't want them. When we're crazy about someone or in love, we adore fiery jealous passion from our lover. You need to let go and move on.

In the meantime it's probably your first time away from high school life, so you're going to be surprised how much fun you might have and how quickly you forget about this guy.

[jackyd232]

The best thing you can do right now is be alone. I ruined an amazing relationship because of my own insecurities and a little jealousy. I kick myself every day for what I did to our relationship. I have apologized and she wouldn't budge on getting back together.

The more time I stay away from her the more I realize what I did wrong. The more I realize how much I love her. The more I realized what I am missing now. Those are the type of lessons in my opinion that will help you get over your jealousy issues. When something like that happens and you step back you can really see how stupid it all way anyways. You kind of have to wait for him to want to be with you again. You can't force it.

[Bumble_bee]

From a guy's perspective, he's dumping you, moving on and trying to do it nicely. We only label girls jealous or needy when we don't want them. When we're crazy about someone or in love, we adore fiery jealous passion from our lover. You need to let go and move on.

In the meantime it's probably your first time away from high school life, so you're going to be surprised how much fun you might have and how quickly you forget about this guy.

That's a big generalisation of the problem, jealousy can ruin an otherwise good relationship, if not controled, especially if it is irrational.....if your girlfriend constantly questioned every move you made, how long could you possibly tolerate it for....then if she moved it on to accusing you of sleeping with every woman you came in contact with....you'd still wanna be with her?

it can be a very claustraphobic experience....

[jackyd232]

I agree with Bumble_Bee. It's not just a way to get rid of them. And even if you do love someone it can still cause problems. What she explained is a perfect example.

[traaaaalala]

thank you guys for the input.

primo, it's good to see things from a guys perspective, but i have to disagree with you. kevin, the guy i wrote the original post about, told me that maybe someday down the road if things change for the better, we will get back together. he told me to "hold on loosely".

this to me does not sound like a guy who wants to completely move on from me. if he wanted to move on from me, he would cut off all communication. we still talk everyday and we are still best friends. and when i went home a couple weekends ago, we hung out as if nothing bad happened. he kissed me because he said he wanted to.

so my strategy is to just have fun when we hang out, and see where things go.

[Primo]

My perspective is that someone who is obsessively jealous, a normal person would dump them pretty quickly anyway. I would expect my girl to be protective and jealous if another girl is trying to get my attention. That's normal and healthy. There's a difference, a big one.

Besides, when it comes to affairs of the heart, no one actually applies any of the advice given, so don't worry about it. We all can give the greatest to others, but never use it for ourselves, that's the way love works :-D

See what happens, just don't throw your entire life into it, k? :-) You can always shoot me a pm down the road and let me know if my perspective was a good one...and I'll keep it between us :-)

[bloodtippedrose]

Being friends with someone you love did not work out for me.. the second another girl comes into the picture your jealousy will trip you right the fu(k over if you dont change your mindset. He's a nice guy for not saying fu(k off and get out of my life, but I think when he gets a taste of a girl that doesnt trip out over everyone he talks to and everywhere he is then he wont head back. i hope thats not the case though, seeing as you dont seem like a bitch you seem nice so you dont deserve your heart smashed into little pieces.
If someone was trying to win the attention of my guy I agree its normal to get jealous because you want to protect something thats "yours." If your jealousy was extreme though thats a different story. If anything threatened to end my relationship I would get jealous or defensive too, but I trust my bf with all my heart so knowing that it wouldnt happen keeps me from flipping over tables and checking txts or myspaces lol ;P