What is appropriate / innappropriate in relationships?

[Woolly]

Hello all, I am new here, would appreciate any thoughts on the following.

I have been seeing a new girl for a few months now. Obviously it is still early days, but I would say that generally the signs are encouraging. I am confident that she likes me, and I reciprocate.

However, soon she is off on a hen do which is causing me a degree of concern. My perception of hen and stag nights is that people use it as a chance to behave innappropriately on the eve of their wedding, usually travelling to another city to reduce the chances of being caught out.

This anxiety is increased by the fact that our relationship is very new, and so does not yet have the history or trust of longer term ones. She is helping organise it and originally mentioned the possibility of hiring naked butlers. I immediately felt uncomfortable with this, but did not say anything right away as I found it difficult to articulate my feelings without giving the impression that I was controlling, domineering or priggish (I am none of these).

I guess I was concerned about damaging our fledgeling relationship by raising the matter.

Eventually I was able to raise the topic, although I found it very difficult, due to a feeling of walking on eggshells, incase she took offence. She seemed to accept that I find hiring naked people (call them what you will - butlers, strippers etc) to be unnacceptable and has since said they are not having this.

The reason I find it unnacceptable is down to reasons of appropriateness and respect. Speaking as a man, it is very obvious to me that most women are entirely ignorant of the dynamics when a group of men visit a strip joint, and equally I am sure that the same applies to men, when it comes to women and strippers. I, however, am fully aware that even a tame stripper at a hen party would likely be indulging in what could essentially be called foreplay.

Now, given it was she herself who first mentioned the possibility, I am having difficulty believeing her that this is not planned. I am not trying to decry her as a liar, but I do believe that when it comes to stag/hen dos, many people are of the opinion "what xyz doesn't know will not hurt him/her" and are happy to deceive friends and partners, justifying it as a white lie. She actually said somehting along the lines of "why worry - you would never find out anyway" - which did nothing to calm my nerves lol.

Just as I was hestitant to raise the issue incase it caused problems between us, I think she may be trying to hide her plans for the same reason.

Given hen nights are generally all about childish smut anyway, (as women cannot entertain themselves without lowering the tone), this just fuels my fears, as I have had generally no respect for any hen night I have ever encountered - I find them hugely obnoxious.

(of course it is unfair to call all stag/hen parties obnoxious, but a sufficient number are such that they have an image problem generally).

I like her a lot and admire many things about her personality, intellect and character. However, for various reasons, she does strike me as the kind of person would enjoy a stripper. I do not like this aspect of her character.

I feel she has a tendency to laugh off my fears, which I do not like, I do not feel she has taken them particularly seriously. This may be to do with the common female double standard that it is very wrong for men to see strippers, but just 'fun' when women do it. Personally, I do not go in for such outrageous double standards and always apply the same rules to men and women in every situation.

How should I approach this? I know ultimately it comes down to just trusting your partner, but It pains me to say I do not really think this very realistic when it comes to stag/hen nights. In fact, I think that could even be foolish (it is often shown to be), which is a sad thing to admit. When it comes to a group event, it is not just your partner you have to trust, it is everyone on the trip - quite a different proposition altogether.

I personally do not want this to be a major or recurring issue for us. We have discussed it before, which reassured me at the time, but afterwards I always seem to have doubts. I am not sure if this is because she had been elusive in the discussion, or because things have not occured to me till afterward.

What are your thoughts on:

- could this issue mean we have incompatibility issues? (I would rather jack things in now, than clash over this / similar every so often).
- my opinion on the matter generally? Was it right of me to bring this up?
- what I can realistically and fairly expect from her on this? (example, avoiding strippers, or even better, hen nights altogether)
- etc etc etc

Thanks, sorry for the big read!

[vashti]

I've only been to one bachelorette party in which they hired a stripper/dancer - it was actually pretty boring after the first 5 minutes. Despite what you see in movies, most women are not hugely turned on by them - they are more likely to induce laughs than actual arousal.

That said, I don't really understand the need for these types of parties when you are getting married, but I don't find them threatening at all.

If you have a moral issue with your girlfriend being a little too wild for your conservative tastes, then you'd better face that right away, before your level of attachment increases and she is able to do real damage to your heart...

[Gigabitch]

Dude. Chill. Really.

[Woolly]

Hi Vashti
Thanks you for your reply,

Despite what you see in movies, most women are not hugely turned on by them - they are more likely to induce laughs than actual arousal.

Oh I agree, I do not think arousal is common (what movies have you been watching? lol). I think the main idea is to cause embarassment.

That said, I don't really understand the need for these types of parties when you are getting married, but I don't find them threatening at all.

Well, I agree about the "no need", but I do not find the idea "threatening". The reason I dislike it is because it shows a fundamental lack of respect for the partner. In addition, I do not respect women who enjoy rubbing oil over a strangers chest, or being slapped by his manhood. If you erode the mutual respect out of the relationship, that which the rest is built on, then what do you have left? Nothing.

If you have a moral issue with your girlfriend being a little too wild for your conservative tastes

Mmm, is "conservative" really the right word to use? It is really "conservative" to expect a certain standard of decent behaviour (the same which you give in return)? I would say not.

then you'd better face that right away, before your level of attachment increases and she is able to do real damage to your heart...

So what are ya saying? Get shot of her?

Thank you again for your reply.