Not Sure What to Think

[McLarenDan]

I've known this amazing girl for 3 years now, we clicked right from the start, but we were only ever really good friends because she already had a boyfriend. She knew that I liked her, and this didn't stop us from being great friends, and we still talk to each other as much as possible, even though I've moved to the other side of the country to pursue my dreams, we're on the phone all the time. Anyway, fast forward to 2 months ago. I get a call from her, she's split up with her boyfriend, she's really upset. I do what any other gent would do, totally forget that I always wanted to be with her and be the best friend I can be, I try and calm her down, tell her its going to be OK, he's probably got something on his mind and it'll be sorted soon. She tells me she's going round to have a long talk with him about it the next day, and 24 hours later, I get the call, they've sorted it all out and are happily back together.
Anway, for the next few weeks, when we talked she was suspicious of him seeing someone else, so I reassured her he won't be as she's lovely and he is lucky to have her (in a best friend way rather than an "I love you really" way). So, everything is OK for the next week or two, until I got a call at midnight on Wednesday. He'd admitted that he was in love with someone else, and so she'd broke up with him again, only this time it was for good. She was distraught, and once again I be the best friend I can be, offering a shoulder to cry on (even though we could only talk on the phone, as I'm still 500 miles away from her), telling her that it'll be OK, he's obviously lost his mind, things can only get better, she'll find somebody soon who will love her even more. And for the next 2 days, she was still upset, and I was still there for her, we would talk for hours at any time of night or day. Anyway, Saturday rolls round, she seems to be almost over him, and has thanked me for being there for her, she wishes more guys could be like me etc etc. I say no problem, thats what friends are for, I'll always be here for you.
A few hours later I get a text from her; "Do you think you could love me?" obviously this threw me a bit as deep down I guess I still have those same feelings for her that I did back then, but I also know deep down that she probably still isn't quite over her ex and this could be a rebound thing, so I replied with "you're one of my best friends, I've always loved you and always will"; this made her happy. I've also had texts from her saying that she really likes me, she just wishes I could be nearer (she's in the midlands, I'm at the top of Scotland) and "could you be there for me when I need someone to cuddle up to on the cold winter nights?" again, whilst I really wish I could be with her, I fear that this is a rebound reaction. And this is my dilemma. She's one of my best friends, I love her so much, but I don't want to ruin anything, and I don't want to be just a rebound guy, we've got something special that could turn into a great relationship, but I feel as if I would just be an emotional stop gap if we got together so close to her breaking up with her ex. She knows I've always liked her, I just don't know what to do. And with us being over 500 miles apart, it makes things even more complicated.

Any help is greatly appreciated, thanks guys!

Damon

[Artemis]

It feels like her emphasis on cuddling and the physical parts is a hint that she is missing the physical aspect of her previous relationship. That is not to say that she doesn't care about you, she certainly might. But you are right to be leery of it. Tread carefully, and as hard as it seems right now, try to keep it on a friend level. Think of it as a possible investment in a possible really great relationship down the line. Have her give it some time. Best of luck.

[McLarenDan]

Very sound advice there, thankyou. You're definitely right, she's told me she would love to have someone to cuddle up with so many times, she hates being lonely. I miss the physical aspect too if I'm honest, but I've been out of the game for nearly five years now so I tend not to think about it. The problem is if we were to be together, she'd still miss the physical aspect, as I'm in Scotland for 3 or 4 months at a time, coming home to England for a few weeks and then going back again, and of course I'd be worried about losing her because of the distance between us. One thing though, she has asked me to spend a lot of time with her when I return home in mid December, which I've agreed to (I have about 6 weeks back home) and she has told me she wants to come up here to see me, but not for a while because she still feels that she needs to have her family around her for a bit.

Thanks again,

Damon

[McLarenDan]

I've got another question that needs answering. There have been very subtle hints both ways that we like each other enough to potentially start a relationship, and god knows I want this to work. It's just, as I mentioned before, I still think she is on the rebound and I don't know whether she's been saying these things because of that, or is she genuinely interested? The most important thing I need to know is, its now been a week since things ended with her ex, when we talk she seems much happier, but I still don't think its been long enough before I can tell her my true feelings, so, how long is long enough?
Thanks

[Gigabitch]

It might be a good idea if you flat out tell her you're going to be there for her after she's over her breakup. Put a smidge of testosterone in it, for God's sake.

[McLarenDan]

She already knows that I will, I've told her many a time I'll always be there for her no matter what happens.

Another update today, things have turned bad. When we text eah other we've always put "love you x" at the end, meaning it in a friendly way. Anyway, today after one of my texts I got the reply "stop saying love you, its the last thing I need and we're just friends right now".
Obviously this has upset me a bit, she never said this before, so I replied that we've always meant it as friendly, and that shes one of my best friends and the last thing I'd want to do is ruin that. And now shes not talking at all. I feel like such an idiot. Of course I wanted us to be more than friends one day, but not right now. I would never go for anyone straight off the rebound, I'm not like that. I've been in bits all afternoon because of this, she means so much to me and I the last thing I want is for her to hate me.

[McLarenDan]

Hmm, had a bit of a shocker today. She admitted that she has feelings for someone else, a friend of her ex. I'm only a very good friend, she likes me but the distance between us is far too great. Never mind.

Thanks for all the help everyone!

Damon

[Gigabitch]

It might be a good idea if you flat out tell her you're going to be there for her after she's over her breakup. Put a smidge of testosterone in it, for God's sake.

Okay, the emphasis was supposed to be on AFTER. I don't think you got that.

You made yourself into her emotional tampon and now you're being flushed. It doesn't have to go down like that ever again, Damon. Are you interested in avoiding this in the future? If so, we can help you.

[McLarenDan]

Ah right, yeah I didn't really emphasise after, I just said I'd always be there.
I know I shouldn't get too worked up about it, but I have. I feel like I've upset her, even though she kind of got the wrong end of the stick. She said we're still friends and always will be but her attitude seems to have changed. Instead of talking to me pretty much non stop, she's barely spoken to me at all since yesterday.
Of course I'm not keen on repeating the same mistakes again, I've had more than my fair share of bad luck lately but I suppose that's life. Any help you can give me is greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Damon

[Gigabitch]

Damon, it sucks, but you have GOT to stop being her shoulder to cry on. It turns you into a eunuch in her eyes.

For future reference, girls going through breakups are to be avoided completely unless you are a total cad and just trying to get some rebound sex off of them. That doesn't sound like you, so I think you should just stay away from them.

They're volatile and confused and just really need a friend at that point, and if you happen to be standing there, you become that friend, landing you permanently in the Friend Zone with a smooth front like a Ken doll.

[McLarenDan]

Thanks, very good advice
Of course I'm not simply after rebound sex, I just think that's wrong. Thing is although I tried not to I couldn't help but be attracted to her, I'd had a soft spot for her from day one so I was bound to feel something. But sex is the last thing on my mind, honestly it wouldn't bother me if I have to wait until I'm married, there are more important things in a relationship to concentrate on first. The other thing is she's one of my oldest friends, so a relationship might be a bad idea, as if it ended badly, there's a great friendship ruined.
However, things are getting a little more complicated/confusing recently though. We're talking like we used to again which is good, and she's told me her ex has been to see her, but she's confused because he wants her back but has also admitted that he is in love with someone else but he hasn't seen her for a long time. Obviously my friend thinks her ex is trying to use her as a stop gap until his new love appears again, and she doesn't trust him after the lies. Sounds reasonably simple, but she's said she wants to come all the way up here to spend some time with me (that's well over a 500 mile trip each way). If she's willing to come all that way does it mean there still could be something there? Or am I thinking about this too much?

Thanks,

Damon