Can someone point out what am I doing wrong?

[everton11]

Hi all.

I'm almost 26 and I have never been in a real relationship.

I joined the military as soon as I graduated high school, after my discharged I immediately started college. I finished two Bachelor's degree and will finish my Master's this December, meanwhile I'm teaching part time at a community college. I always keep myself at top physical shape and treat everyone with respect and kindness.

But as it appears, none of these counts in relationship.

I didn't have a chance to have my first date until two years ago, when I ask one of my classmate out (we are in the same graduate program). We dated a couple of times before we start sleeping together, but she maintained that we are strictly friends. I wanted more so I kept staying with her, but it didn't work. She got married last summer to another guy from her country (we are both not born in America, but she is on student visa).

Then I started going out with this one girl I helped at work. Perhaps it was my mistake to date someone who gets help from me, but she was the one who ask me out in the first place. I went out of my way to do things for her, making it clear that I wanted to start a relationship with her. She took the flowers and she said she wants to keep hanging out. Six months later she mentioned that she wants to go with the flow, we are good friends and she doesn't want to mess it up. In that instant I understood that she just wanted to be a friend and was keeping her options open. So I stop seeing her.

Then I went on a few more dates, but every time it is either they start responding or they asked me for some sort of help (usually academically related).

What is wrong with me? Why is it that I could never find a girl who can appreciate me and ended up taking advantage of me? I am an Asian in America, so no matter how much hard work I put in, I'm still unattractive? And as the first girl told me, I am just predicable and boring.

What am I doing wrong? What can I do to make myself more attractive to other women? Or is it just that the world have moved on without me? And that I am not fit for the modern dating game? Perhaps I should give up and go the easy way out? I want to cease my emotion and not have to feel bad or lonely anymore, perhaps I should consider chemical castration?

That was crazy talk but a friend of mine told me that I'm trying too hard, and that I am pursuing relationship for the wrong reason. Then what is the right reason? I was attracted to both girls I went out with, and I considered building something more with them, is that wrong? Perhaps I am, but it is just that, I have never been in love before, and I feel alone in this.

Please give me your thoughts, thank you.

[wizduels]

repost of mine from another threat. some intro information just to help you get started figuring out what you are doing wrong:

i'll give you the basics:

women are emotional and reactive. if you want a relationship with this woman you are going to have to be pro-active. period. women for the most part do not initiate relationships. so how do you pursue a relationship with this woman?

all relationships go through 3 stages in the following order:

1. attraction
2. comfort
3. seduction

THE ATTRACTION STAGE
being attractive to a woman has less to do with how you look and a lot more to do with how you behave. woman in general will feel attracted to men that display 3 basic attributes:

1. a man that is confident
2. a man that is seen as a protector of / provider for loved ones
3. a man that has other females in his life

you must figure out a way to put these 3 attributes on display to her by your behaviour in a way that seems NATURAL and not contrived. if you do it correctly she will indicate her interest in you with behaviour like the flipping of the hair, laughing at your jokes, making eye contact, standing a little closer to you, and other marginally flirtateous behaviour.

THE COMFORT STAGE
once she starts to display this type of behaviour you will want to engage in non-sexual, lightly flirtateous touch, playfull and kidding like, mean to be fun. things like light arm-punching, high fives, hip bumps, wrapping your arm around her neck in a 'just kidding' playfull sort of way, etc. get creative. but it must be non-sexual. you must also initiate the touch for only a couple of seconds then release it. it gives enough time for her to enjoy the touch, but not enough time for her to object to it. and the touch is gone before she wants it to be gone, leaving her wanting the next contact and welcoming it. as you continue to become successfull with it, you can escalate the touch to things like sitting next to each other in social settings, hugs, hand holding, playfull wrestling etc.

the whole idea at this point is to help her feel comfortable spending time with you but also feeling comfortable and accepting of your touch in general.

THE SEDUCTION STAGE
sooner or later you will be able to tell when the time is right to kiss her. there is no easy way around it, you just have to go for it. generally speaking if she is comfortable around you when you two are alone and you can hold hands, hug etc, your pretty safe to kiss her and not get slapped as long as it's in a semi-private location. don't kiss too long on the first kiss. continue dating while touching / kissing and getting to know each other. if you are old enough (i can't condone minors having sex) you will have to eventually have sex with her if you want more than just a friendship. generally speaking it takes on average about 7 to 10 hours spent together (cumulative either all at once or over the course of several dates) for a woman to to feel ready for sex with you assuming things have gone well up to this point. anything past 15 hours and you are in serious danger of falling into the 'friend zone' so you will have to make sexual advances on her in a private location before that. too soon and she won't be comfortable with it. if you act at the right time, she will probably like you enough to be open to starting a sexual relationship with you.

once the both of you are spending time together and having sex as well, you are pretty much in a relationship at that point even if it has not been defined between the two of you, unless of course you are dealing with a total slut. as for defining the relationship, never question her about it. let her bring it up. she will bring it up when the time suits her. anytime you try to get commitment from someone it only makes them feel like they are pressed into a corner and their first thought will be to escape the situation and you will lose her because she will start to feel pressured and smothered.

i could go on and on about relationships but i hope just this much helps. good luck.

[everton11]

These rules... Why does it have to be so complicated? Shouldn't it be just yes or no? Why do girls want to tag me alone? Just reject me from the on set if I am not what they want.

I don't have much confidence in myself now, not in terms of relationship, as reflected by my failures in the last 2 years.

Everything else is easy to me, running, working out, school, military services... I am best at everything I do, but just not this.

Why doesn't girls just see the qualities that I have?

[wizduels]

well my friend i'm sorry to say that its just the way women are wired. and its not a bad thing. but it's reality. you have to accept it and learn to adapt to it. the 'nice guy' finishes last is not as accurate as the 'nice guy hardly ever finishes'. and this is truth right here:

you have to have something to offer a woman for her to be interested in you. if you are not confident in yourself, if you are not the kind of man that can protect and provide for her, if you are not the kind of man that is comfortable and at ease around women, she just isn't going to have any sort of sustained attraction to you.

find out what your interests in life are and go do those things. work hard at your job if thats what helps you feel good as a person. make new friends, hang out with them, have a good time. become a social guy. find yourself and become a better person on the inside so that you are happy with yourself. if you are not happy with yourself, what happiness do you have to offer a woman?

set your mind to your goals, and go get them done. the only difference between talent and no talent is the time it takes to learn something. if you want something bad enough, you can accomplish it if you put in the work and make the sacrifices.

[everton11]

I do appreciate the last post a lot, yes, set out to work on it. Only this time, hard work doesn't necessary pay. In my study and at work, the more stuff I put in the more reward I get, but not in relationship, because it is not a homework problem.

The killer is, I have done all I can to make myself more marketable. The two girls I was involved (lengthy) before said of me, "You are master of everything" and "you are the best at everything, but..."

I'm running out of ideas. Yes, I don't feel I'm good enough, even with all that I have achieved and all that I have. Because I never feel any girl appreciates those qualities. Make me feel it was really a waste of time, why even work out anymore? Why study hard? Why be nice to anyone?

[Sanctuary]

I'm not really a fan of that complicated step by step stuff but wizduels second post is good.

You don't sound confident and you also sound a bit too clingy.

I wanna ask you a question: If I were a girl, why should I go out you?

And don't tell me cuz you're nice and you'll respect me. I can get that from any other guy. What makes you special?

[everton11]

Let's see:

I'm intelligence, I'm aware of political and social issues, I can often start and hold an intellectual conversation, I have great sense of humor, I'm in shape.

Just don't have a lot of confidence now.

[Sanctuary]

Girls want a guy that can lead her and take care of her. For instance, a guy who is confident wouldn't be seeking the approval of the girl, he would just be positive and try to have a good time and as a result she would have a good time.

But um, listen to what Wizduels said. When you have fun in your life just by being who you are, there's gonna be a girl out there who would want to be a part of that life.