Another "can I win her back?" Thread.....

[dandoe123]

Hello all.

Just joined the site and it's a bit of an uplifting feeling that there are others out there who are either currently in a similar situation as myself or have been there and are willing to advice/share their experiences with people like me.

Anyway, here's a "brief" background on my situation. I'm 30. She's 31. We dated for about a year and a half. She broke up with me about 4 weeks or so ago. We stayed in touch for about the first 2 weeks of the break-up (she said that she was keeping in touch with me because she knew it was hard on me and wanted to make it easier for me). Obviously, I panicked when she broke up with me initially and I tried talking to her, but that got me no where. So the last couple weeks, I've decided to take the "no contact" approach.

This period of "no contact" has really given me an opportunity to contemplate over the relationship and figure out some of the issues that ultimately led to its downfall. It also gave me an opportunity to address whether these issues are resolvable and more importantly, do I want to spend the time/energy to resolve them.

So here's what I've come up with so far:

1. We got too comfortable with each other. Because we were so similar in so many ways, we just became more like an old married couple. I wasn't completely happy with everything in the relationship (wanted more romance/courtship/excitement), but I was content. I figured both of us are students right now (me = PhD student; her = law student) and so once we graduate in the near future, we'll have the resources/time to do more exciting stuff.

2. She felt that I wasn't committed into the relationship. After we broke up, she had mentioned to me that she always felt that I was only dating her while I was in school and once I graduate, I'd leave town leaving her behind. Therefore, she said that she had been prepping herself for this break up. I told her that that was the furthest from the truth. When I graduate this winter, I had every intention of asking her to marry me. Obviously, my actions suggested otherwise. She felt that if I really wanted to marry her, I'd have made better attempts to have a better relationship with her mom and I'd have incorporated her more into my life/family. In fact, she has yet to meet my family. I use my parents living 1000 miles away as an excuse, but I know that that isn't a very good one.

3. She felt that I couldn't give her the support/security that she was seeking. As I had stated, we are both students. I had my own stress/worries about finishing school and finding a job afterwards. I suppose she saw that and felt that it was too much for her to worry about her own future graduation/job prospects AND worry over mine. I'm assuming she wanted to know that even if she was having a difficult time finding a job, I'd have a job and be able to take care of her until she does find a job.

4. Lack of communication on both of our parts. Lot of the issues she'd have with me, she'd just keep it to herself until it boils over and then she'd come attack me. Obviously, I'm not too receptive when someone is yelling and verbally attacking me. I also didn't do a good job of telling her how I've been feeling and instead often played the passive aggressive card.

I'm sure there are other "minor" issues that may have played a role, but if I really think about it, these were some of the more consistent issues that came about every time we'd argue/fight. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't play my cards very well/correctly when I had the chance. I do feel embarrassed that it took her breaking up with me for me to really come to my senses.

As I had mentioned earlier, this time of "no contact" has really given me an opportunity to put a lot of things into perspective. I'm not gonna lie and say that it's been a walk in the park, but definitely something that needed to be done. The more and more I think about whether it's the being in a relationship that I dearly miss or it's her that I miss, I'm beginning to realize that it's her.

My friends obviously don't like to see me like this and so they are telling me to just move on. They'd ask me why I want to be with a girl who obviously doesn't love me. If she did love me, why would she break up with me? They do have a point there. However, I can't help, but think that we did date for a significant amount of time and we did love each other at one point or another. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic or what not, but I know that I'd never be able to completely stop loving an ex if I loved her. These stupid TV shows like "Tool Academy" don't help either. If some of those girls are willing to give their boyfriends another try after failing out of that show, I have to believe that I might still have a glimmer of hope.......

In summary, I honestly believe that majority of the issues that she and I have are completely resolvable. I can definitely romance her more, have a better relationship with her mom, incorporate her more into my life, and communicate with her more openly. I even have 3 job offers waiting for me when I graduate this winter.

Obviously, it's ultimately in her hands. As much as I want to make this work, if she's not willing, what can I do.....? Right after she broke up with me, I panicked and told her the usual "I can change/I can do better" speech. She was obviously annoyed by it as I had a year and a half to show with actions and told me to come back in 5-10 years when she has a job/money and she'll reconsider IF she's still single by then.

I guess what I want to ask everyone else here is if they have any advice/suggestions on what my next move should be. I'm thinking that I'll continue the "no contact" until mid Dec and then send her a letter as one last "hail mary" attempt. In the letter I'm hoping to tell her that I messed up in the past, but I've definitely taken the necessary steps to improve myself and that I believe that I can better take care of her/love her/support her. Tell her about the job offers and maybe even offer to spend a day or two with my family for Christmas. What do you guys think? I figure it can't hurt.............

Thanks for reading.

[Bumble_bee]

these issues are only resolvable if both of you are willing to work on resolving them.

Has she given any indication that she wants to work things out?

The reasons she gave you for breaking up with her are pretty big reasons, the fact that she had been ''prepping herself up for this break-up'' rings serious alarm bells too.

It might not be too late to discuss how you feel about this with her, but you have to prep yourself up for the fact that she moved on a long time before you guys even broke up, and these two weeks of NC...might have put her further away from any hope of reconciliation with you than you might think.....

[cmacattack1]

If there is anything I've learned, it's that when you failed to live up to your promise and you lost that trust, words are pretty much meaningless after. And by promise I mean entering a serious relationship with this person, because when you did, you did make a promise. Actions speak much louder than words.

I think giving a call and seeing how that goes would be alot better than sending a letter. If it's going great, than ask to get together for lunch or something. Show that you've changed with your attitude during this meeting. If the talk or meeting doesn't go well, than at least you know what the chances are. It seems that 2-3 months is a good amount of time to cool off but that's your judgement call. The longer the better. Although that's difficult to understand because every minute you guys are apart she could be finding somebody else. But that's not really in your control right now.