Counselling how should I proceed?

[girl68]

For a long time now I've had self image, jealousy, porn, "women's", and insecurity issues. I've tried to come to terms with this within myself and all that "love yourself" bullshit.

So finally after a number of years, endless talks and arguments with friends... no one can say anything that has actually helped me figure this shit out. So I decided that I need to seek a pro's advice.

So... how much are counsellors? I've heard of this "sliding scale" billing (billed based on income).

My company pays for *some* counselling... that's good. The bf's plan may... but how the hell do I ask him if his plan will cover my issues; which brings me to my next point.

Should I tell him that I'm seeking help? Most of the issues have to do directly with him. And we've had endless fights (all our bad fights surround these *my* issues) and at the end of the day I just say "I'll figure it out" or "I'll just deal with it". And I've honestly tried to just not care, or put it to the back of my mind, or pretend like it doesn't bug me. But if I'm perfectly honest, it bothers the living bejesus out of me. I want to make this work, and I can't do it alone, I need to see someone who can help me for real.

So after I've babbled on and on... does anyone have advice, experience? Thanks kids.

[vashti]

To be honest, I am not sure I would advise someone who is having this many issues involving her boyfriend to seek counseling. It sounds like he just makes you feel insecure. Is it possible this is just a case of trying to force a square peg into a round hole?

And BTW - how old are you? A lot of female insecurity is something we just outgrow, I think.

[girl68]

I don't think that what I feel is *normal* or maybe it is, but these issues aren't going to disappear by leaving my bf... These issues involve him because they have much to do with sex and the sexualization of women... blah blah blah. HE is not the problem per se, the problem just involves him.

Edit: I see your point, however much of my issues do involve him he does much to make me feel very loved, desired, and pretty. I just dream up all sorts of reasons to dismiss his actions and compliments. Therefore I conclude it's much more me and in my head that it is him... Does that make sense?

I'm 25...

Oh yeah, I'm pertfried of aging. Yeah, I have issues and I'd like to seek help. I need help on how to get help.

[Indignant]

why don't you share those problems with us and we'll guide you through them? it's cheaper than counseling and might be just as effective

[girl68]

I have tried, at times... however most of the time this is what I get:
"ALL guys watch porn" okay, how the hell does that make ME feel good about it
"love yourself" uh huh, okay how the hell do you "love yourself" does, I think I'm cool count?
"it doesn't matter if he thinks other girls are hot- he loves you" great, that has NEVER made be feel better about it, it's not going to now...

Basically the gist of it is that no one has said anything that *actaully helps*. It's good to know I'm not the only one out there with these issues, but no solid step by step or advice has been given to overcome this...

I think I need a pro.

[CocoChanel]

I don't agree with the majority of people view on watching pornography. There are those men who feel as though they HAVE to watch it... like an addict. There are those men who watch it to masturbate and get off on it. It's ridiculous!!
And the moment a woman says she is uncomfortable with it... she is the one with the issue.

I don't agree with that at all. Even though I disagree I never even bothered trying to change a guys view about watching pornography. I look it as porn being their weakness.

Counseling will help if you give it a fair chance. My first time around... i didn't give it a fair chance. I gave up quick. LOL! But now that I have started going back it really does help. You could also try your luck with posting here too.

[Indignant]

i have never been a fan of the "love yourself" theory and still don't get it. But I believe that you'll outgrow it within a year. i don't believe that you are insecure about the whole porn watching issue, it's mostly being obsessive about your partner. why should he look at anyone else when he's got you, right? but if you look at him as you would at any other human being or yourself, you'd see that there's nothing wrong with admiring other people / watching porn. don't we all like to look at beautiful things? doesn't mean that can have them though.

how long have you been together? how old is he? what kind of work you/he do?

[Indignant]

I don't agree with the majority of people view on watching pornography. There are those men who feel as though they HAVE to watch it... like an addict. There are those men who watch it to masturbate and get off on it. It's ridiculous!!
And the moment a woman says she is uncomfortable with it... she is the one with the issue.

I don't agree with that at all. Even though I disagree I never even bothered trying to change a guys view about watching pornography. I look it as porn being their weakness.

Counseling will help if you give it a fair chance. My first time around... i didn't give it a fair chance. I gave up quick. LOL! But now that I have started going back it really does help. You could also try your luck with posting here too.

why is it ridiculous or a weakness to masturbate to porn?

[girl68]

these issues have been a prominant thing in my life for many years. I have been trying for all these years to just "get over it". But so far, I've made nill progress.

And why would I look at my bf "as any other person"? He is not, he is my lover. I get what you're saying, but to take a step back and look at it from the angle you suggest just isn't possible.

We've been together for nearly 3 years. He's 32. I do administrative work.

Thank you COCO. I agree, but he IS going to watch porn and I wouldn't forbid such because 1) he'll just hide it or 2) grow resentful and it will end. So as of now, it's lose, lose for me... I want to be okay with this, and I need help.

[girl68]

why is it ridiculous or a weakness to masturbate to porn?

Please don't derail my thread with the whole porn debate, I've been through it a thousand times... make a new thread to discuss please.

[vashti]

I don't know what to tell you about the insecurity, esp. regarding things like porn. I genuinely think most of those women look skanky. I think insecurity is part of being young and female. I can tell you that once I stopped identifying myself solely by my level of attractiveness, the insecurity vanished.

Maybe you need to do some personal development in other areas so you can find a new way to define yourself? You know - find a hobby (physical hobbies are great for self esteem) or maybe pursue some academic goal... When you feel better about yourself as a WHOLE person, these trivial things will seem less important.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, counselling might help you to decide you and your BF just aren't compatible.

Counselling doesn't provide answers, tho. It provides a safe place to discuss issues and facilitate your solving them. I've had a few sessions over the years. Mostly at the recommendation of our doc who claims annual couples counselling is like getting a car-tune up--address problems before they become serious issues.

I never really found it very useful, TBH. I've gotten better advice and help from close friends and family. In acute situations, it can provide temporary support, but for longer term issues, I think a lot depends on the skill of your counsellor and your own personality. How motivated you are to solve your own problems.

Give it a try and see how it goes, esp if your sessions are covered. Good luck, Girl.

[girl68]

Honestly, I thought I was going to get bashed... but I've yet to see my "enemies" in here anyways...

I stopped identifying myself solely by my level of attractiveness, the insecurity vanished.

Maybe you need to do some personal development in other areas so you can find a new way to define yourself? You know - find a hobby (physical hobbies are great for self esteem) or maybe pursue some academic goal... When you feel better about yourself as a WHOLE person, these trivial things will seem less important.

Maybe, but I still need help with this.

Well, counselling might help you to decide you and your BF just aren't compatible.

Counselling doesn't provide answers, tho. It provides a safe place to discuss issues and facilitate your solving them.
In acute situations, it can provide temporary support, but for longer term issues, I think a lot depends on the skill of your counsellor and your own personality. How motivated you are to solve your own problems.

I have never met a more compatible guy than the one I have. My friends have never even came close to understanding. They will listen like great friends but I am absoluetly alone in my misery regarding these issues.

Ah, how motivated am I? Well very... because I go nearly mad when these issues come to mind. Though I show nothing. I figured if I kept doing this I'd eventually believe that it really isn't a big deal and I really don't care about it... so far no luck.

Not to mention much of my issues are kept deep inside, I respect the privacy of my bf, which is why I can't talk about it with them. (Them being my friends, most of which are mutual friends)

Which is why I ask do you think I need to tell? (Yes, I know what I plan to tell/ not tell him but I'm curious about what you think.)

[CocoChanel]

why is it ridiculous or a weakness to masturbate to porn?

That statement wasn't anywhere near that sentence!! I made that comment right after saying I don't bother to change a guys view on watching porn. Mostly because the finger always gets pointed at the female for having the issue. If a someone who says... I JUST CANT STOP WATCHING PORN... I think they are the one with the problem. So I see it as a weakness/addiciton for them if they can't stop themselves from watching it.

[girl68]

Alright I see your point COCO, let's not go off on the porn thing... been there done that, heard all that there is to say...