Men with kids

[qwertz]

yeh i love my son but im not about to spend the best part of my life single for that reason alone

[vashti]

Eh, well... mine are worth it. Of course, I never considered my 20s "the best time of my life"...

[qwertz]

My son comes before everything in my life...before relationships, before work, before going out socializing, before myself..before EVERYTHING.
I dont mind, i dont complain, ive already said i keep him and any relationship seperate so i dont see the problem..if one day i meet 'the one' then yes of course he will be involved in my sons life..but not to my sons detriment.

I find it insulting that you think me and other like me should stay more or less single until their children are adults and if we dont its cause we dont care.

[vashti]

If you are insulted, it's because you CHOOSE to be.

I didn't say I thought YOU should do that. I said it's what *I* would do, and I have come to that conclusion based on experience. You can do as you please.

[qwertz]

experience? of what..cause it cant be being a single parent?

[vashti]

Nope. My experience comes from the aftermath of divorce/blended families, and its effects on children.

In my observation and personal experience, new relationships are rarely worth the grief they cause over the long run. Sorry.

(You are free to disagree. I don't mind at all.)

[qwertz]

well the only grief they cause will be to me and not my son, so i'll take that risk if the chance arises.

[bluesummer]

Bluesummer, it's really amusing to hear someone justify personal issues by saying that they are really doing the other person a favor. I'm a single parent,and yes my kids come first, of necessity. But that would not preclude me being ready, willing and able to devote my love to a woman, on the contrary, it would make me more concerned of her feelings and needs. Parenting has given me great insight.

Yeah, well whatever personal issues you're assuming (read again: ASSUMING) I have, I'm glad it amuses you. Apparently, however, you didn't read the rest of my post. Whatever great qualities you have to offer still don't overcome the fact that you're already a parent (meaning children they now have to form a relationship with) to the majority of women. It sucks for you, but it's reality.

I have never dated, nor had a friend date a man with children. It's not because they're viewed as bad people for the circumstance they're in or however they got there. Taking on other peoples kids when you don't have them yourself is, quite frankly, a burden most people don't want going into a relationship. That's not MY issue, it's the majority of people's. You're just annoyed because it doesn't suit you.

[Indignant]

i know a lot of ex-single moms, who have gotten married to great "guys who don't have kids" and treat someone else's children like their own. all of them are russian or jewish. it could be a culture thing though, maybe russian men were raised differently and more understanding/acceptant of children.

[Gribble]

Yeah... I would not date a woman who had children. It has nothing to do with her. I just don't want to deal with it. Too many issues. Why bother when I can just go out with another girl who doesn't have kids?

[vashti]

i know a lot of ex-single moms, who have gotten married to great "guys who don't have kids" and treat someone else's children like their own. all of them are russian or jewish. it could be a culture thing though, maybe russian men were raised differently and more understanding/acceptant of children.

I DO think men tend to handle these scenarios better than women, but as the mother of a girl, I can tell you for sure I wouldn't DREAM of having an unrelated male living with my underage daughter. There are just too many stories, and I am way too paranoid. I'd rather die single than take a chance of my girl being hurt.

[IndiReloaded]

I can't say I would be completely closed to the idea of meeting someone if I were divorced or widowed. Life (and love) happens sometimes unexpectedly. But it certainly wouldn't be my priority if I had kids. Any dating would be very discreet and kept away from my kids until we were considering something permanent. Also, my already low tolerance for drama would approach zero. Any guy with any issues that might affect my kids in any way would be immediately discounted. They'd better be reasonable, free of issues or baggage, gainfully employed and responsible, respectable members of society. Others need not apply.

[azilin]

Do you think that I should see where this goes (because so far he is nice) or just head for the hills and spare myself the emotional agony? What would you do?

You're young and marketable enough, I imagine, that you can be choosy about this. You're correctly intuited that children always come before a S.O. -- or before a spouse, for that matter. Children are, objectively, romance killers. I hope though that if you feel this way about kids, you plan not only to avoid relationships with men who have children, but you plan to avoid having children of your own.

As for what I'd do ... I'm 27 years older than you, my kids are out of the nest, and I'm not particularly interested in a relationship with someone whose kids are still at home. But I'm willing to bend the rules. I'm currently dating someone whose 17 year old son excels at physics, debate, and studies piano at the concert level; and whose 15 year old daughter is a talented singer, plans to be a doctor, dreams of applying to Harvard and smart enough to just maybe get in. In other words, no drugs, no significant behavioral or discipline issues. Further, I'm not expected to be a step-dad; they are about ready to launch anyway. I just get to enjoy knowing a couple of exceptional teens. I don't get to hang out with their mother as much as I want and it has turned the possibility of living together into something way more involved than it needs to be ... but she's worth it to me. I would hate to have missed out knowing her because, like, YUCK, she puts her kids first. Besides, I actually enjoy the kids. They're the sort of kids who give you hope for the future.

So just consider your motivations. You do make it sound as if you're threatened if you don't get 110% of the attention.

Another thing that occurs to me: most 25 year old men aren't single fathers, given that the median age for marrying these days is something like 28.5. Are you looking to date older men? Why? Just wondering. Stick to guys your age: problem solved.

[Perryville]

Bluesummer, what amuses me is your attempt at justifying judgemental behavior, as being helpfull to the people you judge. What annoys me is your blanket dismissal of single parents as not worth the trouble. It is prejudice, pure and simple........Vash, unless you are or have been a single parent, your opinion is pretty much meaningless, because you have no experience.

[qwertz]

Im not saying guys should or shouldnt date women with kids..its totally up to them and their personal choices and vice versa for women dating men with kids.


Your right vash, you are paranoid.