Men with kids

[vashti]

Bluesummer, what amuses me is your attempt at justifying judgemental behavior, as being helpfull to the people you judge. What annoys me is your blanket dismissal of single parents as not worth the trouble. It is prejudice, pure and simple........Vash, unless you are or have been a single parent, your opinion is pretty much meaningless, because you have no experience.

hah! Don't be pouty. This is the way I look at it:

stage 1 - married with kids
stage 2 - divorced and dating
stage 3 - blended families and ex-spouses

I just skipped over stage 2 to stage 3. My experience is with what comes LATER, which YOU have no experience with. In other words, I got to see the train wreck at the end of the tunnel, and based on that, I have formed the opinion that it wasn't worth running through the stop lights.

[Perryville]

Vash, not being "pouty", whatever that is. Just trying to point out that your experience has nothing to do with single parenting, because you ain't it.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Most women are totally into their mate while their pregnant by them, not trying to dump them. Hmmmm.

Lol...I'm pregnant with my boyfriend's child right now and through majority of the pregnancy so far I have hated his ass.

Trust me....hormones are extremely unpredictable in pregnancy. One minute, I am happy...next minute annoyed...next minute bawling my eyes out....then pissed at the world.....then sad again...then happy.

I can't wait for this shit to be over.

As for dating a man with kids, to each their own is my opinion. I have a daughter from a previous relationship, and have had 2 serious relationships since her birth, or at least what I considered to be serious. The first relationship failed because of trust issues, but the main thing for me was how he interacted with her. He was more like a babysitter than a dad, and the thought of kids seemed to frighten him to me.

But the guy I am with now treats her like she is his. He's always been that way even before we got together. Everyone thought he was her biological father too. He's always had a love for her and he shows it. He actually wants to legally adopt her. But I can say he is definitely one in a jillion especially because we are both young and he's really the first guy I've seen genuinely not have a problem with dating a single mother.

As for the situation with this guy, in reality, his choosing his kids over his relationships does actually show responsibility. Sure, I understand the need for attention, I think alot of women like affection from their man, but to expect to be top priority over the kids is just a fantasy. I think when you have your own kids you get a better understanding of compromise and sacrifice...but that's just my opinion.

If I don't want the responsibility of dealing with someone else's kids or I can't get over being put after the kids, I wouldn't put myself in that situation. Better to back out now than to try to mold someone into something they're not.

[misombra]

Vash, not being "pouty", whatever that is. Just trying to point out that your experience has nothing to do with single parenting, because you ain't it.

she has experience sacrificing her own feelings to give her children the best life.

[Perryville]

Maybe so, maybe not. I do it every day, so I'm less than impressed.

[misombra]

perry unless the mother of your children was abusive to you and/or your child(ren) and/or were abusing substances and/or were not committed (which you were incredibly stupid to reproduce with such a person) you did not have the desire and/or maturity to give your child(ren) the luxury of a two parent household.

i know some people here think it's okay to be a single parent but i grew up with one and i know how difficult it was/ is for our single parent and how it affects our relationship with that person and every other person even into adulthood. all that banter about how much you do for them and how much you sacrifice is insipid talk. because there was obviously very little thought put into respecting your child. parents are responsible for the world they bring their children into. it's nice to think that they're not affected by every single decision to you make, but they absolutely are.

belittling vashti for believing this makes you seem like such fools to those who have put desire into working on a relationship with the other parent to give their child the best. seriously, you sound like irresponsible, immature people.

[vashti]

Aww, sombra. Thanks for the reminder of why I you.

[funluvinsarah]

Hey! I was the same but I always said that I would never get with a lad who had kids, I always wanted it to be that special thing that I could have with someone for the first time. I never gave a lot of people a chance because they had kids. But then I met my boyfriend, he has two kids (His second was not even born when we got together) So I found it really hard, especially when he was at the hospital with his ex when she was having the baby. I never thought I could stay with him but I did and I am so glad. At first I never met his kids, his kids always come first and I knew and understood this. But now I spend time with him and his kids and everything is amazing. I always know that those kids will never be mine but I will always treat them as I would treat my own because they are apart of my boyfriend. Yes when we have kids it wont be the first time for him but it will still be special because its the first time with me.

Good Luck X x

[qwertz]

perry unless the mother of your children was abusive to you and/or your child(ren) and/or were abusing substances and/or were not committed (which you were incredibly stupid to reproduce with such a person) you did not have the desire and/or maturity to give your child(ren) the luxury of a two parent household.

i know some people here think it's okay to be a single parent but i grew up with one and i know how difficult it was/ is for our single parent and how it affects our relationship with that person and every other person even into adulthood. all that banter about how much you do for them and how much you sacrifice is insipid talk. because there was obviously very little thought put into respecting your child. parents are responsible for the world they bring their children into. it's nice to think that they're not affected by every single decision to you make, but they absolutely are.

belittling vashti for believing this makes you seem like such fools to those who have put desire into working on a relationship with the other parent to give their child the best. seriously, you sound like irresponsible, immature people.

You have got to be ****ing joking.

Ok, so im immature and irresponsible for not working at a relationship with my sons father?
Those things you list above are not the only deal breakers in a realtionship, it is pathetic that you think all but them reasons should be worked at and that unless they are we are irresponsible and immature.

Like i said earlier, my split was for none of those reasons, but my son is and will be by far happier than if we had stayed together just for the sake of him- i know this for a fact.

Im well aware that every decision i make will affect my son so i make those decisions around him and i can tell you now i would make every decsion 10x over..why?..because they were the right ones for him.

[misombra]

you don't know that your son is happier. you don't know that he will not suffer because of your decision. there's no way to know that. you sound like a very young person and like you were very young when you made a decision to bring another person into this world. if you were older and a bit more mature you would've given it some forethought and made sure that the father was going to be a good one.

also, if you are so comfortable with your decision, i do not see why you are in here vehemently defending it.

[Heratriumphant]

Congrats to those of you didn't get emotionally sucker punched by the person you reproduced with, keep patting yourself on the back.

For those of us who did, or got unexpectedly abandoned to raise little people on our own, we are going to keep dealing with a crap situation as best we can.

Hopefully you'll never have to understand.

[misombra]

Congrats to those of you didn't get emotionally sucker punched by the person you reproduced with, keep patting yourself on the back.

For those of us who did, or got unexpectedly abandoned to raise little people on our own, we are going to keep dealing with a crap situation as best we can.

Hopefully you'll never have to understand.

people who are married and/or together for a very long time get emotionally sucker punched all the time.

but i hope you do do it the best you can. dating with children is very delicate, and some people treat it like it's no big deal. they need it and if it's good for them then it's good.

hopefully i do not have to understand it. like i said i already dealt with the other side of it and i desperately wish to not understand what my own mother dealt with for myself. i wish it so much that i would sacrifice my emotions to not have to. i think i will be lucky though, because i made a good decision. the father of my child is a teacher, and has an incredible gift with kids and is generally a good man and there's no doubt in my mind he will be a great father. it's not luck, it's good decision making.

[IndiReloaded]

I find it laughable that so many of you are attacking Vash for actually *getting it right* and providing not only a stable home, but a stable TWO parent home. She even did it for her non-biologic children, which is a marvel when you consider it. Only a stupid person would antagonize her. Personally, if I were a single parent, I'd be wanting to know how she managed it.

I think there are a lot of couples who could have sucked it up for their kids sake who selfishly choose not to. I dunno that's anyone here, but its certainly true for a lot of young couples who were perhaps not truly ready to have a child.

The data is clear: unless there is clear abuse or otherwise damaging influences (e.g. drugs or criminal behaviour), then a child is usually more healthy (and wealthy!) if they grow up in a two-parent household. If you are a single parent then you have to make the best of the situation, but that's not the same as it being the best situation.

In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high-conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring. In lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce — and the study found that perhaps as many as two thirds of the divorces were of this type — the situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on the findings of this study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages it is better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce.

[qwertz]

you don't know that your son is happier. you don't know that he will not suffer because of your decision. there's no way to know that. you sound like a very young person and like you were very young when you made a decision to bring another person into this world. if you were older and a bit more mature you would've given it some forethought and made sure that the father was going to be a good one.

also, if you are so comfortable with your decision, i do not see why you are in here vehemently defending it.

I do know my son is happier..If i had stayed with his father there would be tension in the house, as what he did was unforgiveable and there is no way i would be able to 'suck it up' successfully.(oh and by unforgiveable i mean unforgiveable- im not just over reacting and being 'immature')
I'm defending it because it is my decision and the right decision and i dont like the fact that people are insisting children are happier if their parents stay together just for them when you dont know the facts.
Oh and as for giving it forethought..again- you know nothing of my situation.

but i hope you do do it the best you can. dating with children is very delicate, and some people treat it like it's no big deal. they need it and if it's good for them then it's good.

Where did i say it was no big deal? I was the one saying that anyone i was dating would not meet my son.

I find it laughable that so many of you are attacking Vash for actually *getting it right* and providing not only a stable home, but a stable TWO parent home. She even did it for her non-biologic children, which is a marvel when you consider it. Only a stupid person would antagonize her. Personally, if I were a single parent, I'd be wanting to know how she managed it.

I think there are a lot of couples who could have sucked it up for their kids sake who selfishly choose not to. I dunno that's anyone here, but its certainly true for a lot of young couples who were perhaps not truly ready to have a child.

The data is clear: unless there is clear abuse or otherwise damaging influences (e.g. drugs or criminal behaviour), then a child is usually more healthy (and wealthy!) if they grow up in a two-parent household. If you are a single parent then you have to make the best of the situation, but that's not the same as it being the best situation.

In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high-conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring. In lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce — and the study found that perhaps as many as two thirds of the divorces were of this type — the situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on the findings of this study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages it is better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce.

Im certainly not attacking vash for 'getting it right'..i dont really know anything of her situation, Im not pretending that single parent households are better than two parent households, what im saying is that in *some* families this is just not possible and that being brought up by a lone parent is not as bad as some of you make out.

I dont agree with this. Over time, my relationship with his father would have been what is described as 'low conflict' but i dont see how my son would have remained happy in this situation.
I dont know, maybe its cause my son is autistic and is over sensitive to such things, but in the short time we were together after the 'deal breaker' my son regressed and its not something I would ever inflict upon him again.
As it is at the moment, he's happy, loved and secure. I dont see the problem.

[BoredGeorge]

I am 25 year old woman with no kids and I've never been married. I've dated a man with kids before and did not like consistantly coming in last place. All the cancelled dates, not seeing him when I want to but rather when he feels like seeing me, YUCK!!! After that I decided that I didnt want to date a man with kids.

But now this guy has come along and he seems really nice. I've been trying not to be prejudice against him having a child but I dont get to see him as much as I would like. Everytime I pull away from him, he's right there being nice, doing everything I would want from a boyfriend. AAggghh! Maybe I'll tell him lets just be friends.

Oh yeah, other than the always being second thing, I also thought it would be nice to marry someone that didnt have kids, so that we could share that new experience together.

Anyway I just want to know your opinions. Do you think that I should see where this goes (because so far he is nice) or just head for the hills and spare myself the emotional agony? What would you do?

Maybe you should stop being so selfish. Obviously his kids will come first. How would you like it if during your childhood all these strange women started coming over and taking your dad away from you ?

Maybe you could try being supportive and help him relax when he gets some time away from the little monsters. Give him a back rub and a BJ, nah, it is all about you and what you want. The man is just there to serve you. Very typical.

Here is a hint. You only get out of people what you put in. If you are kind and generous towards him he will act the same way towards you. If you are selfish and demanding, then he will be the same and spend time with his kids instead of you.