I love her. She loves me. She wants to play around

[Gigabitch]

When are you sending this message to her?

[Philetus]

When are you sending this message to her?

I sent it about 15 minutes ago.

[Mish]

Let us know how it goes

[Gigabitch]

Is she peri-menopausal or something? Mid life crisis? I've known a couple of women who've done this kind of thing recently.

[Mish]

Is she peri-menopausal or something? Mid life crisis? I've known a couple of women who've done this kind of thing recently.

Unfortunately the answer is usually much simpler than this. It sounds like pure selfishness and nothing else. She's not getting any younger and this might be the last chance she'll have to feel the butterflies again. Marriage and kids are fine, but they are so yesterday and they don't offer any new excitement. She's offering a compromise, to cheat only once a week. In some people's minds that's enough incentive to keep the conscience clean.

[lovesjoyajm]

Besides what Giga suggested about the letter, which I agree with (that line about moving on romantically struck me the wrong way, too) I think your letter is very good.

Also, in response to what Mish said - I have a feeling if you DID grant her request, it would very quickly deteriorate, simply because the excitement and butterfly nervousness that comes from having an illicit relationship would be gone. Her sexual relationship with him would be as routine as her marriage, not a forbidden fruit, and she would need to get the excitement somewhere else.

Plus I don't really see how this guy would've been ok with her arrangement, but that's beside the point.

[kms]

Keep us posted on how it goes - I also think your letter was very well-written. If there's a problem in a relationship, bringing in a third most definitely will not fix anything - it'll just push it further apart.

[Philetus]

Let us know how it goes

About what I expected. She feels more stress, more backed into a corner.

She didn't quite understand the full nature of my ultimatum if she does something now, which I have to correct.

Right now, I need to get therapy rolling. We begin tomorrow night and I can't wait.

[Philetus]

Is she peri-menopausal or something? Mid life crisis? I've known a couple of women who've done this kind of thing recently.

She could be. She's 40 and is having trouble with her menstrual cycle. We assumed it was because of the stress (she has other physical problems due to stress - like rapid weight loss).

Edited to add....

I got some information on it and sent it to her. She said she was just thinking this morning that she's suffering from depression. Whether linked to perimenopause or not.

I sent her a follow up of quotes from women who felt their perimenopause had had a role in bad reactions to life events. Not entirely the same circumstances, but close enough.

[Philetus]

Unfortunately the answer is usually much simpler than this. It sounds like pure selfishness and nothing else. She's not getting any younger and this might be the last chance she'll have to feel the butterflies again. Marriage and kids are fine, but they are so yesterday and they don't offer any new excitement. She's offering a compromise, to cheat only once a week. In some people's minds that's enough incentive to keep the conscience clean.

Yes, I've thought of that.

One thing I was thinking was making this offer....

To have her work with me in the marriage and not see this guy at all. If, after an appropriate time as judged by a therapist, we can't make our current situation work, we'll try her 'open arrangement' on the condition that I get to 'go first'.