I'm so confused!!

[LoveLisa]

Confused by his actions!!! I'll try to make this as short and to the point as possible. 2 years ago I discovered that my husband had fallen for another woman. Didn't want a divorce, Loved him, but ended up divorced anyway.
Now...I moved 2000 miles away 6 months ago and he was calling me several times a day, calling every night..I miss you yada yada. Flew out to see me. Grabbed on to me at the airport, held me like he hadn't in years, was teary eyed. Slepped in my bed, made Love, kept reaching for me all night to make sure I was there. Took my sister and her family to dinner, We got along great, mornings in bed, nights on the beach. I took him to the airport, he held me, cried, told me he Loved me, he kept calling me all the time, texting me I miss u notes. Said there was no one elsefor him and that he wasn't even dating. So I ask if he wants me to move back (because I am still so inlove with this guy) and he's immediately making plans, not for me to move back in with him, but back to his town. He rents me an apartment, he's making moving plans, i even change my mind and say i'm not coming and he got upset, so I came back. It cost me my entire savings to move everything back. The first night I'm here I stay at his house because I have no elec. in my apart. And at 1 in the morning he gets a call. He says she's a lady his friend from high school married and she is having car trouble. I know of her and know this is true. She just got divorced. I straight up say to him, look I need to know if this is more or if you are thinking it might turn to more. he promises me it's not. Says he's friends with her ex who doesn't know how to fix cars. I look through his phone the next morning and there is text after text to her saying, your beautiful, I want to help you out, I'll be there for you , I want to take care of you if you'll just let me. I know you've been hurt, but I won't hurt you. WTH! He ran into her 3 weeks before I moved back here, why did he continue to insist I come back? The maintenace guy at my apartment asked me if I was moving back her to get back together with him. Because he said that my ex insisted on meeting him and making sure everything was perfect, told the maintenance guy that NO One except him would be visiting me and to look out for me and to contact him immediately if there were any problems. He said he told him this stuff the day before I got here. So he assumed we were getting back together. And so did I. Now, my ex is barely calling me, When he does he talks about how much work he has been doing on this woman's car. He makes plans with me and then breaks them. He told me that he would help me finacially, because there were no job opportunities here, but he wanted me here. Now I spent all my savings moving back, I can't find a job, he's not helping me finacially. My vehicle isn't running right, but he's too busy with her car to help me. The heater went out in my apartment and when I told him the maintenance guy couldn't get to it for 2 days, he didn't even offer for me to stay at his place. In fact he didn't call me for 2 days and said he lost his phone. I have no idea what I'm gonna do, I don't want to livehere, there's no jobs and I have no money to leave. Now, get this though, you would say, tell this guy to drop dead right. here's the confusing part. i'm doing my laundry at his house in his garage during the day while he's at work, and he comes home for lunch and says, why are you in the garage, you can go in the house. i go in there and there's pictures of us still everywhere. On the fridge, on the mantal, cards that i sent him recently saying personal things are sitting out for all to see. These pic's of us have been up since we divorced, he has never taken them down or off the fridge. So if he is wanting something with this woman why are our pics still up? Why are there cards from me that say I Love you and can't wait to see you on the counter? he obviously hasn't had this woman in his house. has he? If I hadn't read the text I would honestly believe he's just fixing her car. So what is he doing?!!! Any men out there want to help me with this one? Thanks for any insight.

[kms]

That all does sound very confusing. I'm sure you must be feeling so frustrated and helpless even, for having spent EVERYTHING to go back just for him... only to have him hardly paying attention to you and neglecting you.

Does your family know what's going on? I wonder if they might be able to help you move back.

Also, you two need to start over. He made a big mess of things - you took a HUGE step and moved back for him, now it's his turn. He needs to earn your trust back, date you, focus his attention on you.... and his texts to that woman are inappropriate. You moved all the way back to be with him, gave up your job, spent all your money - you'd better damn well be 'back together' with him. So therefore, any texts or extra time spent with other women is cheating.

In all honesty, it sounds like he was devastated that his possession, his 'toy', left him - he did everything to get it back - and now that you're under his control he's lost interest again. It also seems a little... controlling... that he told the maintenance guy that he would be the only one visiting you?! So he's already decided that you won't have any friends? And most definitely won't have any males come by for a visit either! It's almost like he wants the maintenance guy to be a bodyguard of sorts!

If you are still interested in trying to make things work with him, then you need to tell him exactly what you expect from this arrangement. You already did a LOT for him, so I think you are fully entitled to set some rules. Rules such as: he has to date you, earn your trust back, not spend time with other women, not send inappropriate texts, etc. If he breaks them, you leave (he doesn't have to know that you don't have a way to do that right now).

In the meantime, try to brainstorm how exactly you could leave in the event he continues to maintain inappropriate contact with this woman. Credit card, crash with a friend, borrow money from a relative, whatever. You don't even have to explain the situation, just make something up as to why you need the financial assistance.

You really have to be clear about the consequences though, because he probably knows full well that you are powerless and 'stuck' there - no job, no money, a car that isn't really working... you are fully dependent on him, which makes him think he has full control and the power to do whatever he wants. And, in addition to being clear about the consequences, you HAVE to follow through. Otherwise he'll never take anything you say seriously - he'll just keep doing whatever he wants, knowing that you'll always put up with it.

[Primo]

What is he doing? More than likely already having an intense sexual relationship with this other woman, who may or may not care if you're around. And keeping you on standby just in case it doesn't work out, or for some bizarre reason he feels responsible for you.

No kids, divorced...tell me again why you're doing laundry in his garage? Because you love each other?

Lisa, it sounds like this guy took your self esteem...you did good by getting away the first time. Try to do it again and this time move forward in life, not backward.

[LoveLisa]

Thank you KMS and Primo! I agree with the sounding controlling to the maint. guy. That's why the guy came to me to figure out what the deal was. My ex was always like that with me. Very jealous and possessive until he had an affair, that's how I knew something was going on before because all of a sudden he was not glued to me. And now he is doing it again, i'm on the back burner, so I know the routine. i guess I'm confused because he hasn't dated since we got divorced. This is a small town, everyone knows your business, i knew he wasn't dating before I left, and poeple that I have run into told me that he was in bad shape when I left. His co-workers all knew he flew up to see me he told them exactly where he was going. I've ran into alot of them and they said that they said they weren't surprised he went up there and assumed we were getting back together by his actions and words. Plus his friends see our pictures still up at his house and 3 of them helped him move me into my apartment. Oh as for the laundry!! He accidently rented me an apartment that didn't have w/d hookups. He just assumed, we went to put my w/d in the utility closet and there were no hookups. I had to sell them to pay my rent. So he said I could do laundry while he's at work.
As for him having hot sex with this woman, I don't think that is happening, unless she likes looking at my pics while doing it. But honestly, SHE isn't like that. She was married along time and has 3 kids. There were no sexual text between them, it was him trying to convince her to give him a chance to take care of her. The problem is, he doesn't like excitement, such as child excitement. She's all wrong for him, he needs quiet and clean and no stress. A divorced woman with 3 kids has none of that to offer. I don't know what he is thinking. He told her he adored her kids, he has 2 of his own, yes he always pays his child support, but they don't ever stay with him, because he doesn't like his house messed up. He picks them up, takes them to dinner and a movie, then returns them to their mom and he doesn't want to know if they are having problems, he says it's too much for him. They've stayed at his house maybe 3 times in 6 years, When we divorced he got rid of the bed and TV and toys that i put in the spare room for them. His workout equip. is all that's in there now, they don't even have the option of staying with him, but he takes them to dinner every week.. So, I know this relationship is going no where, and if he does weasle his way into her heart with this BS of her and her kids are so adorable, it won't last as soon as he has to actually allow the adorable kids in his house. No i don't have kids, was in a horrendous car accident when I was younger that killed my dad and my brother. I was in the hospital for a long time and I have never been able to carry a baby full term. I wanted children and really Loved his girls and wanted them around. I thought I was going to get to be a Mom to them. When we would go to dinner I had a great time with them. They text me and talk to me all the time still, and they told me they know their Dad still Loves me. Thus, the confusion!!! Is he just living in this lala land right now because she is new uncharted and unspoiled territory? Should I just sit back and wait for this to blow over and him to come crawling back to me? He obviously has the whole town confused, not only me. I couldn't get a date if I wanted because the whole town thinks I belong to him. The option of moving back is out of the ? It took too much to get back here. I will explain my thought process. I don't want to date, not interested in anyone or even the thought of getting to know anyone. I only see myself with him, the whole growing old together and he has stated that he doesnt see himself growing old with anybody else either. I didn't want to divorce him and didn't honestly think it would come to that but I put my foot down then and felt if I backed out I would get nowhere. He insisted the woman before was just needy and he was only helping her out, but after months of counceling he still refuse to stop helping her and talking to her. After the divorce she fell of the map and all he talked about was me.He has made every effort to win back my sisters trust and she was all for us working things out. So, no I have not confided in her what he is doing, that is why I am on here asking for help!! I'm not talking to anyone here because I don't want people twisting what I say or changing stories around. So, please any advice, suggestions any feelings are welcome. I will take them all in no matter what is said, thank you all.

[LoveLisa]

Hey group, I was wondering why no one replied to my post and then read it through myself again and thought maybe(hopefully) it was because I said I wasn't talking to anyone HERE. I didn't mean here on the board. I meant here in this town I live in. I want your advice, thoughts comments, help if there is any. PLEASE!!! If my life is just too boring to respond to I understand. Here is what I went through this weekend, that didn't even help me with working out the confusion. I didn't call my ex. I'm not doing that, I'm letting him do the calling. he had asked me to go to dinner with him on Friday, but called and said that he forgot he was suppose to have dinner at his parents house, so he cancelled on me. Then the next morning he calls bright and early and asks me to go Christmas shopping with him and his daughters and have lunch. I get ready, half expecting him never to show up. But he does show up. We go shopping, I have a great time because I Love his girls so much, we have lunch, then he takes them home and tells me he's dropping me off. I decide to go for a little more and ask him if we can go see a movie. He says yes, but it will have to be the late showing, because he's suppose to do some mech. work for a friend. Not the same woman that's an issue (Susan). So i wait and at 6 he calls me and tells me that he forgot he was suppose to have dinner with his friend who used to be married to Susan. And that he will pick me up Sunday for lunch and the movie. I say OK, Sunday comes around and he never calls, never shows up, no texts or anything. Then he calls me this morning, doesn't mention that we were even suppose to go to movies, doesn't apologize or anything. says he was up all night Sat night because his friend broke down at 1 am on the way back from a professional basketball game 2 hours from here, and he had to go help him get his car back here and fix it. This is the same friend he was supposedely having dinner with here in town Sat. night. I said nothing, I didn't call him on his lies. I didn't say anything about it being rude to just leave me hanging. I don't know what I am suppose to do. Why did he take me out with his daughters? I didn't ask him to, he invited me. It went so well, and we ran into people that we knew and he even told me to walk with him over to a table at the restaurant where some people we knew were so that we could talk to them. What is with this guy?
I'm so hurt and so confused.

[Gigabitch]

Are you happy? No.

So get out. Get on with your life. Leave him behind.

[misombra]

Are you happy? No.

So get out. Get on with your life. Leave him behind.

yeah. should've done this 2 years ago.

[kms]

You are very low on his list of priorities. It sounds like you are the least important thing to him - obviously, from all the times he stood you up and made you wait around.

Perhaps he took you out with his daughters because he got stuck with them and knew they liked you so he figured he could 'kill two birds with one stone' -spend time with all of you at once, keep all of you happy. Perhaps they wanted to see you, so it was more because of them, and not because of him.

I understand the thought of wanting to grow old with him, and with no one else - but is THIS what you want to grow old with? You constantly being his last priority, him always standing you up, never paying attention to you, stringing you along? Further, you said that having kids is really important to you, yet he won't let you have that either since he wants nothing to do with his kids. It sounds like you have given up literally everything for him, yet he's done nothing in return for you.

What kind of life is this? Confused, hurt, torn, taken advantage of, not valued or appreciated, and disconnected from the people close to you. Not only are you incredibly far away from everyone in your life, but you can't even talk to them about anything either because you know what they would say. You know they would want you on the first plane out of there. Right? So what exactly is it that is so awesome and fantastic about this guy that is making you put up with all this?

[LoveLisa]

yeah. should've done this 2 years ago.

I did do this. I divorced him, moved thousands of miles away. It's not like I have been putting up with this behavior for 2 years, he changed, everyone saw it. I was really unhappy without him, but decided to move on without him. I thought that moving away would help me get over him, but he wouldn't let me do that. I didn't come visit him, he came to me. And the guy that showed up was completely into me. I would never have come back to be treated like this, and there were no signs that I was going to. It just doesn't make sense. How could he have been so devastated and needed me back so much, went to all the trouble he did to move me here, and then he runs into her and all of a sudden his feelings completely change for me. I'm sorry I have to analyze this and need a rational explanation. I guess my heart doesn't just change direction that fast. And I don't believe that his did either. It is hard for me to believe that he went to all this trouble if he doesn't Love me. I think that he is confused and scared, I know all his faults, and we have this long history that has a few bumps in it. Maybe getting me back here was a little too much reality for him. She's fresh and new and he can impress her easily. Anyway, it is so easy for other people to say just leave him again. But, I am not happy without him either, I've tried that. It's a very sad thing!!!

[Primo]

I thought that moving away would help me get over him, but he wouldn't let me do that

Lisa, you seem like a nice gal, but you've become completely dependent again and your self esteem has taken a serious blow. It is easy for everyone else to say what we're saying, because it's a no-brainer that you need to let go and move on with your life.

Here's the thing. Your life with this guy is over. Will it be easier to continue to get treated like an old pair of shoes another 6 months and then move on, or move on now?