In love with two men...how to know who is right?

[javagirl87]

To make things short, I have two ex's who I am in love with.

One has been an off and on relationship for the past year. We've recently starting seeing each other again (end of August) and I lost my virginity to him (he lost his to me as well) a month ago. This is someone that I get along with in every respect, our sense of humor is the same, we have the same interests, ambition level, we like doing the same things and have a very similar personality and i'm alwasy happy to be around him. We have had our problems in the past but they have worked themselves out with the help of healthy communication (though it did take awhile to have that needed talk).

The 2nd ex is one that with who was my first love...he broke up with me for reasons unknown and left to study in another country for a year. I was devestated for 8 months before I met my recent boyfriend. We remained excellent friends and confided in each other over the next year. I knew we still had feelings because of the signals we were giving each other. Before summer started he confessed his love for me...and at this time i was no longer with my current boyfriend and we decided to keep in touch affectionately until he got back to the States. However...this man has a lot of personal issues and is currently in counseling. he is a very confusing person and hard to read. He rarely stays in relationships long because he gets too worried or bored or scared. All he ever does it play mind games with me and all we did was fight. but recently he made up his mind and decided he really wants to be with me. But now my trust for him is gone from all the games...even though i'm still in love with him. He told me he cant' just be friends with me and he wants more. I told him I can't give that to him right now...and now he doesnt' want to speak to me anymore. It hurts me to lose him from my life even though I have a great man i'm with right now.

This 2nd ex is the one that got away...my first love...and although our personalities and interests aren't very similar and his ambition level isn't as high as mine; but the passion we have for each other is very strong. we always get drawn back to each other in the end and neither of us know why.

What should I do? I feel guilty having feelings for 2 people...and I'm not sure what to do...i'm feeling very hurt because i've lost someone important to me even as a friend.

[lahnnabell]

So you have a loving boyfriend (are you guys official?), and you've been keeping in touch "affectionately" with this other guy who screwed you over?

First love doesn't automatically give him honorary status allowing him to just pop in and out of your life. I know you cared for him, but he doesn't sound like he's in a better place for himself yet. He can't nurture a relationship with you if he can't even take care of his own emotional needs. I know it hurts to cut him loose, but if you want him to take the time to get well then it's probably what he needs. Besides, you have a relationship that you should be focusing on.

If your current guy found out the the kind of contact you've been keeping with this other ex, would he be upset? I know I would.

[Perryville]

Java, you talk about trust, but how have you shown any honesty? Do these guys know about each other? Or are you lying to both?

[Peter Pry]

First of all, what you shouldn't do is feel guilty for loving two people at the same time. Happens all the time naturally as a matter of the human condition; it's just that you have been socialized to think that it is not possible or bad. The question is what you're going to do about it.

Perryville is right: have you been honest with each of these paramours about the existence of the other? If not, you're the one who has violated their trust. If you have, then there is nothing to currently worry about. Assuming that you haven't been honest about it, you've pretty much left yourself with only two ethical courses of action, either of which is going to be painful.

Choice #1 would be to let boy #2 go. You're not dating him to begin with, and he seems like the less compatible (even if more exciting) of the two. It's his choice, not yours, to cut off communication with you after you told him that you were unable to have a relationship with him. And that is a legitimate choice to make, one that he feels he needs to make in order to protect himself from his own pain of loving you when you are unavailable. He may feel like the love of your life now, but that will (eventually) fade, and you've already said that you are also in love with boy #1. If you had wanted both loves, then you would have been honest with both from the beginning.

Choice #2 would be to get your shit together and inform each of your lovers about the other, and about the emotional turmoil you are going through. It really needs to be your lovers (not random schmoes on the internet) that you go to when you are having an emotional crisis. True, this may cause them both to leave you, but then, you were dishonest with them. Or you may find that one will leave you, and you can judge him unsupportive and stick with the other. Or perhaps they both will stay and support and share you (yay!)

You could also dump #1 for #2, but that seems unwise and shady to me... or it could depend on your motivation for having a relationship. If you are looking for long term love, which is something you've said #2 has a difficult time with, then sticking with #1 is best for you. If you're just looking for a bit of excitement and nothing more, you might consider this... but it's unfair and painful to #1 when you love him and he's done nothing to deserve it. Oh well, all's fair in love.

[javagirl87]

#1 and I are not official, he has had a lot of problems with putting labels on things and in the past year consistently tells me that he can't "date" me because he's so busy all the time with his schooling. However he has never been with another girl since we've started "seeing" each other. I would definitely consider how we act/how often we see each other as dating but he is kind of a commitment-phobe and is afraid to label it.

I guess I should clarify what everyone knows in this situation...#2 does know about #1 and that i'm seeing him and that I have been off and on for awhile. However he doesn't know how serious it is or the details because it hurts him to hear about him so I spare him any details. He doesn't like me seeing someone else (obviously). #1 does know that i've been spending time with #2 and our history. He also knows that we've recently stopped talking since #2 still has feelings for me. He said he doesn't mind that i've been hanging out with him and understands the situation as he's been in it before. However #1 does not know how I feel about #2 because I know that telling him would ruin everything completely.

I told #2 about #1 from the start because he didn't start stopping with these games until i had already gone back to #1. I told him that he was too late and he should have been more honest with his actions earlier...but he doesn't think he did anything wrong and we just end up fighting. Him and i are ALWAYS fighting lately because our communication is terrible online but i'm afraid to be in person with him a lot because i'm afraid i'll do something i regret and feel guilty towards #1.

[lahnnabell]

I would definitely consider how we act/how often we see each other as dating but he is kind of a commitment-phobe and is afraid to label it.

My intuition reads this as an excuse for your actions. Though you are not official with either one, it does not absolve you from your dishonesty. Yes, you are being dishonest and it is because of quote #2.

However #1 does not know how I feel about #2 because I know that telling him would ruin everything completely.

It is not your call anymore. You have been controlling both situations very meticulously because you are afraid you've ruined your chances with both. You are keeping #2 on the backburner, satiating him with insinuations that things will "work out" when in reality, you don't know what you want. Now that he has cut off contact to protect himself, you feel bad. I don't think you feel as sorry for him as you do for your own situation.

What were to happen if #1 started dating someone else? Don't say you'd be okay with it. You very adamantly mentioned that he hasn't seen anyone else but you, despite his commitment-phobia, which says to me that you'd rather be his only one.

[javagirl87]

i do understand that i'm being dishonest and i feel really bad about it. i know i'm not being fair to either person which is why i want to figure this out as soon as i can. i told #2 that if not talking to me would make things easier on him i would go with that because i care about him a lot as a person and want to do what's right for him. but he constantly keeps making contact with me and when i respond gets mad at me for keeping contact. he did this when we broke up a year and a half ago too. i never know how to deal with him in these types of situations.

but to be more clear about the dishonesty, i haven't done anything physical with #2. he has kissed me once but that was after i told him he wasn't allowed to and i immediately told him to leave after. he has told me he "does not want to date me" because he has such an anti-dating stance. i told him i would never give him anything physical if we wern't dating and he said that it was either being with me, but not dating, not being exclusive (even though he was hurt i was seeing someone else) and being physical or nothing at all. i felt that this was extremely unfair and told him that.

everything about #2 dealing with our feelings is so frustrating and he pisses me off a lot because he's so mean and critical towards me (though i do realize that a lot of why he's is mean is warrented because of the situation). he has never been the nicest guy to me though after we initially broke up. this is why i don't understand why i still have feeligns for him, we are good as friends (when we were both dating and he was in another country) but then when feelings came back we start tearing at each others throats.

how can i let him go? why do i still have feelings for someone so bad for me?

[lahnnabell]

but to be more clear about the dishonesty, i haven't done anything physical with #2. he has kissed me once but that was after i told him he wasn't allowed to and i immediately told him to leave after.

You are splitting hairs here. You have been dishonest about your emotions which, to many people, is worse than if you were to have cheated physically.

I think that you are enjoying the attention from both guys. You are unsure about where you and #1 stand (as he is a commitment-phobe) and so you're stuck in this sort-of limbo. One guy is pining away for you and trying to win you back, but is cold and critical of you simultaneously, and the other is attentive and loving, but unwilling to go the distance and be serious with you.

You aren't sure about either of them, and so you're doing this little dance in the hopes that one will make the decision for you.

Do you want a serious relationship right now? If #1 were to come to you and tell you he wanted you and only you, would you drop #2 without thinking about it?

[javagirl87]

that's exactly how i feel. i feel as if neither of these men can give me completely what i want 100%. #1 is a bit reserved and doesn't like to be affectionate all the time, i know it's who he is though and it's not about how he feels with me. he also will never state if he wants to date me and never tells me how he feels verbally, though i never need to be told because his actions show me. however it still makes me weary since i've never had any verbal confirmation with him besides him not wanting any obligations to things that keep him away from his education. he told me that school always comes first, and relationships 2nd.

and the one who is pining away for me constantly changes his mind about me and never really lets me in. he also wants me to be around him 24/7 if we would be seeing each other and i told him that i cant' give him that in any circumstance, that i need alone time.

i feel and connect more with #1 however maybe i wish he was verbally more affectionate, as well as physically sometimes as #2. I also feel that i have such a long history (and how he was my best friend for awhile) with #2 that it's hard for me to write off my feelings as something shallow...even though that just may well be what they are. i had been 95% over him when he decided to tell me he loved me (i was broken up with my current at that time for the next 3 months) and that's when everything got flipped around and let it affect my feelings. now he says he doesn't even remember saying that to me even though he did for 3-4 days straight. at this time #2 also proposed to me (while abroad) for those 3-4 days and i constantly said no because we haven't' been dating (not to mention that is a bit crazy). and now he says he doesn't remember a thing about that and laughs saying he was obviously joking. it's things like this that hurt my feelings with him...he does extreme things like this that really hurt me. he has some serious personal issues right now and he took my advice as a friend to seek some counseling which i'm glad he has been pro-active about.

i want to eventually be friends with him because we were so good to each other as friends but i'm afraid we may never be able to get back to that point now without continually developing feelings.

[Gigabitch]

If either one of them was Mr. Right, you'd completely forget about the other one.

[javagirl87]

i used to think that was true but after so many failed relationships and seeing people change their minds and growing apart...it makes me wonder if that ever really happens. or if you just end up with the person that you're MOST compatible with...even though you will never be 100% with anyone. i'm also extremely young (22) and it bugs me that i've already had to switch to the logical side of love rather than following my heart as much. it wasn't always like this, but i've given up on the romanticized movie love/scenerio.

my head, and most of my heart, says i should be with number 1...but it's that fear that i will always regret losing #2 that keeps haunting me.

[lahnnabell]

i feel as if neither of these men can give me completely what i want 100%. #1 is a bit reserved and doesn't like to be affectionate all the time, i know it's who he is though and it's not about how he feels with me. he also will never state if he wants to date me and never tells me how he feels verbally, though i never need to be told because his actions show me. however it still makes me weary since i've never had any verbal confirmation with him besides him not wanting any obligations to things that keep him away from his education.

I think you are lying to yourself. You acknowledge that #1 is not a very affectionate person by nature, but it sounds as though you wish he were. You reserve the right to be with a person that can meet your needs. On a similar note... How do his actions show you he cares about you? You say you don't need his verbal reassurance, and yet here you are stating, "however it still makes me weary since i've never had any verbal confirmation with him".

Answer this question: If #1 were to suddenly say he wanted a serious relationship with you, would you say "yes"?

and the one who is pining away for me constantly changes his mind about me and never really lets me in. he also wants me to be around him 24/7 if we would be seeing each other and i told him that i cant' give him that in any circumstance, that i need alone time.

i feel and connect more with #1 however maybe i wish he was verbally more affectionate, as well as physically sometimes as #2. I also feel that i have such a long history (and how he was my best friend for awhile) with #2 that it's hard for me to write off my feelings as something shallow...even though that just may well be what they are. i had been 95% over him when he decided to tell me he loved me (i was broken up with my current at that time for the next 3 months) and that's when everything got flipped around and let it affect my feelings. now he says he doesn't even remember saying that to me even though he did for 3-4 days straight. at this time #2 also proposed to me (while abroad) for those 3-4 days and i constantly said no because we haven't' been dating (not to mention that is a bit crazy). and now he says he doesn't remember a thing about that and laughs saying he was obviously joking. it's things like this that hurt my feelings with him...he does extreme things like this that really hurt me. he has some serious personal issues right now and he took my advice as a friend to seek some counseling which i'm glad he has been pro-active about.

i want to eventually be friends with him because we were so good to each other as friends but i'm afraid we may never be able to get back to that point now without continually developing feelings.

This guy has issues. It sounds like his declarations of love and devotion (despite how untrue they might be) are what you are craving from him, which is consequently what you are missing from guy #1. See a pattern here?

[starbuck]

that's exactly how i feel. i feel as if neither of these men can give me completely what i want 100%.

I think this might be your answer. You're looking for stability with #1 and passion with #2. Your confusion lies in the feeling that you're settling with one or the other.

I would propose that there is probably a #3 out there who could give you both.

[javagirl87]

Answer this question: If #1 were to suddenly say he wanted a serious relationship with you, would you say "yes"?

I would say yes in a heartbeat. But I think I would always have that regret in the back of my mind for #2 and what we could have been, even though in reality it would probably end the same as it did the first time. Unexpectedly and all on his terms with no explanations leaving me wondering again. The one thing I hate most in life is regret. i've never felt for more than one person before, this is new to me which is why i'm not sure how to handle it.

I know that #1 feels only for me, however i'm not sure how deeply and that's the part i wonder about. we have the same friends and they have told me that he never opens up to anyone, i'm the only person he ever has with. he is a distant person to a lot of people around him verbally and turns to sarcasm instead. i know that he feels for me by his actions but it would just be nice to hear sweet/cute/mushy words every now and then and to know how deeply/the level it is that he cares. that's what i meant about the actions showing it but why it bugs me he doesn't verbally say things.

[lahnnabell]

I'm with starbuck now. There will be a #3 that can give you 100%, which is no less than anyone deserves. You shouldn't have to make these sorts of drastic accommodations to your needs just to avoid being alone.

I say spend some more time dating casually and getting to know what your own personal standards are. Figure out what your deal breakers are. Don't settle until you have no doubt in your mind that you've got what you want.