how to end my relationship?

[niknik19]

hey, I thought I would ask a man, my situation, basically I need to end my relationship, my fiancée has become controlling, obsessive and distrustful of me!

this steamed back a few months ago when I joined up with the navy, I start in 7 months. since then she’s pushed me into getting engaged, and even tried to convince me to have a baby.

Now the time is getting closer she’s starting more and more petty arguments, sex is tedious and rare!

anyway, I cant do this anymore, I want this to be over but how can I do it?

the last thing I want to do is hurt her and I know she will be when I do this. any suggestions?

I was thinking that I should wait it out, when I leave there’s about a 90% chance she ends it anyway. should I wait or shall I get it over with, and if so how can I do it in the least hurtful way?

thanks guys, appreciate any help you can give

[Primo]

Breaking up is cut 'n dry. There's never a good way to do it when you care about the other person but want them out of your life. Just have to be honest and truly move on, don't keep seeing or talking them as 'friends'. No easy way out of it.

[Konsig]

hey niknik,

it's a good thing you took the time to think about this - this shows you care for the girl and are really trying not to hurt her more than really necessary.

Yes, you read that last part right: it'll hurt her, but it's necessary. When it is over and you're sure, there is no reason in letting it linger - it can generally only get worse.

You asked two questions:
1/ Should I end it, or wait and let her end it,
and 2/ How do I end it in the least hurtful way.

My answers to you:

1/ If I read your story, I'm pretty sure you should end it. You're not happy, you see no future, and she's not giving you what you want. And that probably also goes the other way around. Waiting is just extra pain-time, and can only lead to more unwanted situations...

2/ How to end it.. ah.. a fiancée, you call her, so I assume you're supposed to get married. Basically, there are 2 ways:

First way:
You end it, and end it good. You tell her it's not working, you're not feeling it anymore, you don't see a futur for you two, this is not what you wanted or how you wanted it. Definitif and certain.

Second way:
You end it, saying this right now is not what you want, explaining you're not sure what you want, but this is not it.

The second way leaves your options open to get together again - but if you're sure you don't want to, this might not be a good idea - you might leave her hoping, longing... maybe even stalking you.


Now, the "how":
I've ended it with lots of girls.. and in my experience, the best way is short and brief. You just say 5-6 phrases, then you listen. She'll ask "why", you will reply with "I don't know".

Here's how that goes:
* You tell her to sit down, that you two need to talk
* You tell her that a lot has changed recently, and that you're not feeling about you two as you used to
* Explain that you don't see a future together (like this), and that you'd rather split up (for now)
* Tell her you're really sorry, and that you're all "confused" and "not sure".

The "I am not sure" "I don't know either" "I am confused" is your mantra - this shows her it's difficult for you too, but you just had to do it. The fact that it's difficult for you, will actually be a confort for her. This should be your answer to her every question! Don't go explaining that she's gotten fat/needy/doesn't arouse you/... - she doesn't want to hear it, need to hear it, nor will it help her.

Your talking should take 5-10 minutes.. she can react in many ways, but don't stretch it - after half an hour, you should be out of her eyesight, and she should have a friend available to call, go to or who can come over.

Take a deep breath.. first convince yourself.. then explain her.. then go think of something else.

Good luck!

[lahnnabell]

I agree with most of the above post, but saying "I don't know" runs the risk of his girl flying off the handle. If you do know, clue her in for a bit. Be honest and tell her what's up. I guarantee you she will only continue to contact you and bombard you with "WHY?!" if you leave her hanging.

But should you choose to offer a reason or multiple reasons, DO keep it brief. No more than 1/2 an hour as Konsig said. Otherwise you'll be there all day and you'll be wondering why you bothered.

[davidtorres]

hahaha goodluck getting f over. girls wont take that lightly. lol

[Tasha]

It is so nice of u to to not want to hurt her! I agree with lahnnabell though on not saying u don't know and all that toooo much.

I think u should be calm, gentle, but FIRM. Because she may try and "work things out" if she really likes u. I think u should be as straightforward as possible. Maybe say u *were* confused, and you've given this a lot of thought (lol), but now you know that it is not what u want - and it's best for u both that u end it, PERIOD. Because if u pull all the don't knows and confusion, she MAY think u guys still have a chance. And I really don't think it gives the best image...

Throw in a sorry, but get your point across bluntly. I actually appreciate guys who speak their minds and not just go the "ignore 4 life" route. I think u should be honest 100%, I really do. U can try the uncertainty thing, and maybe that will turn her off thinking you're some confused guy with issues? So if u want, do it, but this is serious, I say, if u aren't happy, TELL her, if she's too possessive and you're gasping for air, tell her that too.

I'm not a guy, but I say this speaking as a woman. The guys don't say anything/communicate whatsoever, they just ignore. My best friend just had to dump her bf via facebook because he ignored her for an entire month straight - just her specifically, no one else!! He never gave any warning signs, and it was soooo hard for her! etc. It may be hard for u, but please just be honest with her and not leave her guessing a million things!!!

[Konsig]

I agree with most of the above post, but saying "I don't know" runs the risk of his girl flying off the handle. If you do know, clue her in for a bit. Be honest and tell her what's up. I guarantee you she will only continue to contact you and bombard you with "WHY?!" if you leave her hanging.

This is a big discussion.
Advantages about "I don't know"

• You don't hurt her feelings even more
• She won't keep asking you why (trust me, after hearing 10 times "I don't know", she'll get the point. Either you don't know, or you don't wanna tell. If you do tell, she might come back on "but how exactly" and "if I change that, will you..." and "we can work on that".

Disadvantages about "I don't know"
Well, as lahnnabell said, maybe the girl would be better of knowing why. Maybe she can then work on herself or atleast find comfort in the fact you two were not meant to be together.

A rule of thumb (as for all feedback):
* If she can't help it or change it, don't mention it. It's not nice to tell a girl her laugh is annoying, or that she's not smart enough (or too smart) for you.
* If she can help it, you might want to consider mentioning it... politely. Always be a gentleman! "I don't like the fact you don't shower every day - I prefer the freshness that comes with showering daily" would be acceptable... "You stink" not so much. This might help the girl, maybe she was thinking noone noticed, and once she picks up showering daily, people around her will like her more.

So yeah, maybe you can consider mentioning 1-2 things about the "why"... but I have a lot better experiences with the "we just grew apart" "I don't think we belong together" "this is not what I want" ... "but I can't put it in words" "I don't know why"-approach.

But whatever you do, respect the other person... that goes without saying.

[Tasha]

Geez, well when konsig puts it like that - emphasis on trying to be nice about everything, no wonder the guy who just got a gf on me lied about liking me!!!!

I don't see why guys can't just be honest. That is horrible. Also, when (the same guy) told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend - literally BEGGED me, and then told me we would date but not yet make it official. But he didn't want me dating anyone else, and he would do the same - I told him I was confused, and he got me with your: "well I am confused too". ugh whatever, good to see guys admitting they do shit like this.

[valhensing]

hey niknik,

it's a good thing you took the time to think about this - this shows you care for the girl and are really trying not to hurt her more than really necessary.

Yes, you read that last part right: it'll hurt her, but it's necessary. When it is over and you're sure, there is no reason in letting it linger - it can generally only get worse.

You asked two questions:
1/ Should I end it, or wait and let her end it,
and 2/ How do I end it in the least hurtful way.

My answers to you:

1/ If I read your story, I'm pretty sure you should end it. You're not happy, you see no future, and she's not giving you what you want. And that probably also goes the other way around. Waiting is just extra pain-time, and can only lead to more unwanted situations...

2/ How to end it.. ah.. a fiancée, you call her, so I assume you're supposed to get married. Basically, there are 2 ways:

First way:
You end it, and end it good. You tell her it's not working, you're not feeling it anymore, you don't see a futur for you two, this is not what you wanted or how you wanted it. Definitif and certain.

Second way:
You end it, saying this right now is not what you want, explaining you're not sure what you want, but this is not it.

The second way leaves your options open to get together again - but if you're sure you don't want to, this might not be a good idea - you might leave her hoping, longing... maybe even stalking you.


Now, the "how":
I've ended it with lots of girls.. and in my experience, the best way is short and brief. You just say 5-6 phrases, then you listen. She'll ask "why", you will reply with "I don't know".

Here's how that goes:
* You tell her to sit down, that you two need to talk
* You tell her that a lot has changed recently, and that you're not feeling about you two as you used to
* Explain that you don't see a future together (like this), and that you'd rather split up (for now)
* Tell her you're really sorry, and that you're all "confused" and "not sure".

The "I am not sure" "I don't know either" "I am confused" is your mantra - this shows her it's difficult for you too, but you just had to do it. The fact that it's difficult for you, will actually be a confort for her. This should be your answer to her every question! Don't go explaining that she's gotten fat/needy/doesn't arouse you/... - she doesn't want to hear it, need to hear it, nor will it help her.

Your talking should take 5-10 minutes.. she can react in many ways, but don't stretch it - after half an hour, you should be out of her eyesight, and she should have a friend available to call, go to or who can come over.

Take a deep breath.. first convince yourself.. then explain her.. then go think of something else.

Good luck!

#1 _ you're brilliant
#2 _ you're a risk for every single girl on this planet

[Konsig]

Geez, well when konsig puts it like that - emphasis on trying to be nice about everything, no wonder the guy who just got a gf on me lied about liking me!!!!

I don't see why guys can't just be honest. That is horrible. Also, when (the same guy) told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend - literally BEGGED me, and then told me we would date but not yet make it official. But he didn't want me dating anyone else, and he would do the same - I told him I was confused, and he got me with your: "well I am confused too". ugh whatever, good to see guys admitting they do shit like this.

Hi Tasha,

I didn't mean to offend you.

You might be right that not admitting "why" you break up & pretending you don't know is not honest.

Then again, consider this:
* Complete and total honesty can sometimes be really hard. You don't want to hear everything people think of you...
* We are talking about people in a relationship here. When the person you love most, criticizes you, that really has a huge impact.

I've thought long and hard about this, but I still stand by my opinion to not divulge everything when breaking up. Even "worse": "less is more". The less you tell, the less you hurt her. It will be difficult either way.

What happened to you is something completely different, something terrible which I don't support either! You'll never see me say "tell a girl you like her, even though you don't". I'm just saying "don't give her 1000 reasons why you don't like her anymore - just tell her you don't like her anymore". See the difference? You are still honest about what you want!

But you are right, my "method" could be used for wrong. It could be used to mislead girls, to keep them on the line... doesn't mean I approve of it!

I'm sorry your guy treated you that way - you deserve better and soon you'll get better, I'm crossing my fingers! Anyway, feel free to PM me if you wanna talk...

(and sorry for the off-topic, I just wanted to emphasize that I don't support "lying" to girls (or boys, for that matter) - I just prefer not to hurt them unnecessarily).

[valhensing]

i'm so going to bookmark this page

[Carmen]

Whatever you do please don't say "I don't know" "I'm not sure" . For one this is a lie, you obviously know you want to break up. Tell her why, tell her you don't feel the same way about her and that you're not happy with her anymore. If she asks why then tell her why so she learns to do better next time. This is the least you can do for someone you once cared about

[Raze]

Make it cut and dry and don't use words like maybe, i don't know, perhaps. Just be blunt about everything. Do not break up over the phone, email, IM, or text. Do it face-to-face.