Involved with professor - big mistake

[Elizabeth48]

I just graduated from college last year. I took time off, so was 29 years old when I got my degree. I had a professor who was 32. He taught in my major, was actually my advisor, and we ended up great friends outside of the classroom as well as on campus.

Being young, popular, and attractive, lots of people on campus like him. I sometimes thought he was a little TOO close to his students, ie he does not think it's a big deal to see them at parties and stuff on the weekends, but it's a small town, and he really was/ is a good teacher, so I didn't think too hard about this.

During my last year of school he and I both began having problems w/ our long-term significant others. Long story short, he broke up with his girlfriend and then approached me and told me he had feelings for me. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and my professor and I became involved. I was still his student at this point, was in his class and had a few months to go before graduation.

We kept seeing each other, having sex, etc. into the summer. Eventually we had a big fight. He told me he didn't want to be serious about me and that he'd never intended to be. I got many mixed messages from his behavior versus what he said, we argued a lot, and I felt misled and hurt. Around this same time I heard rumors from various sources that this professor had been physically involved with other students in the past. I asked him about the rumors, he blew up at me, and that was definitely the end of any connection between us.

After a few months of trying to work it out and getting more upset by him, I cut off all contact. That was two months ago.

I am now dealing with the aftermath. I am hurt and confused as to why he did this. I thought at the time (and assured him) that his being my professor didn't affect me, it's not like I was 18 years old, but I think it did affect me. He wrote me recommendation letters and I now don't believe any of them. Same with all the work I did that he praised - I feel like he just said those things to sleep with me. I feel really taken advantage of. I'm also upset because I could have used his help finding a grad program and I now cannot talk to him.

I recently learned that my school has a policy against this type of relationship and he could get fired for having done it. As of now the story is not 'out' but I have the feeling it might be soon (a few staff members have hinted at knowledge). If it comes out, I am afraid of what will happen. I greatly loved my school and had many older professors who I think may not like me anymore/ may lose their faith in me if they learn this happened. My prof is also very well liked and I wonder if people will take his side over mine. I don't intend to expose this myself - but on the other hand, if he's doing it to multiple students, maybe I should?

Just, confused. Feeling like I should have known better. The thing is, I genuinely liked him and I considered our connection a real thing, because we were so close outside of the classroom. I really thought he cared about me on some deeper level. I'm an idiot I guess. And I still miss him/ feel bad about this/ feel like it could have 'worked,' when I don't even know if he told me the truth about anything anymore. It's basically done a number on me, for a long time now.

Any input on what to do/ how to handle this would be appreciated.

[TheWizard]

Come clean to him, I'd be careful about possibly black listing him in his career if at all possible. Your feelings of being used seem a bit unwarranted as you don't know when he started to have feelings for you necessarily.

Keeping it hidden from the public is good for now, but I would talk to him. Tell him how you feel and have a heart to heart explaining what you just did here. That you're concerned that it might get out, and that he might lose his job and all the other things that are bugging you right now.

It's sort of common sense advice I think, but communicate with him about it. Sometimes telling someone you felt like you were used can help lighten the load, but I'm no therapist.

[Elizabeth48]

Thanks for the reply. I don't want to blacklist him, not only does that seem vindictive but I'm also doing my best to keep this on the level of a relationship between two people and NOT a predatory situation. Except the rumors of him doing this to other students DO bother me and make me wonder if something should be said. I don't want to be the one to say it.

We have already talked, is the thing. Spent months trying to talk this out. He says he didn't use me because he never intended to be serious, and that my treatment of him (ie the fact that I dared to ask about the rumors) was insulting and hurtful so that now he doesn't care about me anymore. That it's all my fault, basically. He refuses to agree that the situation itself was kind of messed up and that I had a right to be confused/ hurt.

His story changes often. It's really messed up. That's why I finally had to end contact. It had turned into me apologizing over and over, and him telling me everything I did wrong/ rewriting history, so to speak. It got to be too much for me. I'm just still hurt and confused and I feel like contacting him again is just going to start it all over.

[azilin]

His story changes often. It's really messed up. That's why I finally had to end contact. It had turned into me apologizing over and over, and him telling me everything I did wrong/ rewriting history, so to speak. It got to be too much for me. I'm just still hurt and confused and I feel like contacting him again is just going to start it all over.

I don't see what there is to be confused about. He accepts zero responsibility. He's dumb enough to think that sleeping with a woman could in no way be construed as serious. In other words, he's an asshole.

Just. Move. On.

If the story breaks about the two of you then you'll just have to do your best not to accept the mantle of victim. But that's borrowing trouble. It may never happen.

[Elizabeth48]

That's pretty much the source of argument. He's done his best to convince me that our sleeping together for 4 months, combined with our 3 years of friendship previous, does not constitute any sort of emotional responsibility for each other.

I have moved on in terms of the relationship. I do know he's a jerk. I guess it's just that the whole 'professor' angle is still causing a ton of damage (you won't believe how hard it is to get into grad school without a rec letter from the teacher in your area of study). And I'm kind of sorting through tons of emotions about this. I feel like I'm never going to understand what happened.

[lahnnabell]

This is the equivalent of sleeping with your boss. You decided to give yourself over to a person who already had an immense amount of power of you (grades, GPA, recommendations). So, you did not really think about what could happen if you two broke up, did you? You must accept responsibility for this part because you made the decision to break up with your boyfriend and begin sleeping with your professor. It would be hard to pull the victim spin on this unless you lied through your teeth.

As for his behavior, he is getting angry because the rumors are probably true. It's like when you suspect your significant other of cheating. Many of the accused will get angry and defensive as a way of deflecting the blame. They overcompensate by getting very angry and upset that their partner would dare think of accusing them. This then causes the accuser to feel guilty and ask for forgiveness, thus accepting blame.

Did he make promises of a serious commitment to you at any time? Did he at any point refer to you as his girlfriend? I'm guessing he didn't. As an employee of the school he knew they had a policy against your relationship (most schools do, or at least frown upon this behavior), and so there was no way he was ever going to be public about his affections for you.

[IndiReloaded]

You got involved with him as an adult, it didn't work out. Suck it up and move on.

Yes, what he did was unprofessional. But its not illegal, only frowned upon. It is unlikely he will lose his job unless he did something unethical. You are well past the age of consent, so most likely all you will end up doing is embarrassing yourself if you do anything vindictive.

If he wrote you good letters and references, who gives a crap whether 'he meant them'. Just use them to land a good position. If you stir shit tho, it is unlikely you will get a good reference from him when they call to discuss you (which is typically what happens in academia). Again, you would be smart to just let it go.

Good luck. Just goes to show that assholes come in all flavours, even professors.

[Elizabeth48]

In my defense, it wasn't as obvious as sleeping with your boss. We were good friends. I felt that we would remain so - I don't have a history of bad relationships with exes. His treatment of me came out of the blue after we started to fight. Also, seriously, this situation messes with your head. It's hard to say no when someone with authority over you approaches you. It's a very strange position to be in. I don't mean to make it sound like I wanted to say no, because I didn't - I was attracted to and felt close to him. But, I also realize now (afterwards) that my perception of him, and my decision to do this, was kind of... warped by our professional connection. Does that make sense? I wasn't really in a situation where I could make a logical choice and weigh all the factors. It was very confusing, but I was seeing him as a professor (respected, trusted) as well as a potential partner. So I didn't think as clearly as I should have. I think this is exactly why many schools forbid these types of relationships, because when one person has authority it kind of clouds the judgment.

I am far from trying to put a victim spin on this. It's just really freaking confusing and I do feel betrayed, especially since when I expressed my confusion and hurt, he claimed I had no right at all to feel that way. I think that I did.

[lahnnabell]

In my defense, it wasn't as obvious as sleeping with your boss. We were good friends.

So, you've remained good buddies with every ex you've ever had? You are splitting hairs here. Every friendship's chemistry changes when you decide to introduce romance. Perhaps this guy doesn't have a good history with exes. I'm friends with my professors as well, but there is still a level of cordiality you have to maintain when they are still your teachers. Post-graduation is a different story.

Also, seriously, this situation messes with your head. It's hard to say no when someone with authority over you approaches you.

You are a big girl who should be very capable of assessing situations and making educated decisions. It is not as though he hypnotized you. Did he back you into a corner? Did he attempt to blackmail you for sex, or threaten to harm you?

It's a very strange position to be in. I don't mean to make it sound like I wanted to say no, because I didn't - I was attracted to and felt close to him. But, I also realize now (afterwards) that my perception of him, and my decision to do this, was kind of... warped by our professional connection. Does that make sense?

No, actually it doesn't. A professional connection should be cordial and polite and friendly, but it has lines. He did cross a line by soliciting you for more than friendship, but you consented as an adult. You made the weighted decision of breaking up with another guy to pursue this man.

I wasn't really in a situation where I could make a logical choice and weigh all the factors. It was very confusing, but I was seeing him as a professor (respected, trusted) as well as a potential partner. So I didn't think as clearly as I should have. I think this is exactly why many schools forbid these types of relationships, because when one person has authority it kind of clouds the judgment.

Yes, this is exactly why they forbid these relationships. Your academic credibility is now at stake because of this.

I am far from trying to put a victim spin on this. It's just really freaking confusing and I do feel betrayed, especially since when I expressed my confusion and hurt, he claimed I had no right at all to feel that way. I think that I did.

I don't know what to tell you really. I'm really surprised you didn't have any scruples about seeing this man before or even during your blissful time together. Only when the fall-out started did you have questions... I suppose that is the same with other break-ups though. Only this differs because you have much more at stake than a broken heart.

[IndiReloaded]

I know professors who slept w/their students and married them. Its not ideal but it happens. As I already said, its not usually strictly forbidden just very frowned upon. The reason is b/c most schools view it as a violation of the student-mentor relationship.

If your professor is a tenured, respected member of his field and brings money into the university, it is unlikely he will lose his job over you. Sorry, its not going to make you feel better, but it is the reality of your situation.

But yes, he still sounds like an ass. Sorry this happened to you. If it makes you feel any better, if this is his MO his Chair and fellow faculty do know about his behaviour. There will be consequences for him, even if they don't involve outright getting fired. Academia is a small community and bad reps do get around, just like in any other profession.

[Elizabeth48]

I'm not going to get into an argument about it, but yes, our professional connection does change my perception of this. It makes sense if you think about it. Just as perhaps he was partially attracted to me because I was his student, who knows. Someone's role in your life contributes to how you see them, good or bad, and that can affect your opinion of them. Just like the idea of falling for your boss, his authority over you makes you see him differently than you would if you met him on the street or in a bar.

And I did, actually, have scruples about it. I guess I kind of thought that out of the two of us, he had more at stake - I mean, I was just about to graduate but he literally could have gotten fired over this - so his lack of concern over it made me think it was okay.

[kms]

As for the recommendations, ask another professor. Surely he didn't teach ALL of your core classes... that would be strange.

Second, you said you were 29...? You sound a little naive.. I'm not sure how you didn't see how obvious it was that he was using you. You said yourself that you always thought his relationship with students was a bit too close... and that was what you saw publicly - who knows what went on behind closed doors! He probably had a fantasy of having sex with his students (it's a pretty common one; teacher-student sex... in fact, it's definitely one of mine!), so I'm sure he did enjoy those months with you, lol. I'm not sure how you didn't realize that though, especially since I doubt he called you his girlfriend or took you out anywhere public - you know, did anything to indicate that he was proud of being with you, the normal things that people do when they care about each other. It sounds like you were in big huge denial.

Unless the department has some proof, I'm not sure if they can really do anything. Even if there are rumors and suspicions, I don't think they can do much to either of you. My advice is to ignore all of it and act as though you hardly know him, and most certainly weren't involved with him. Just act clueless and innocent. Laugh it off. Don't get nervous and flustered, or angry or defensive - that'll give it away really fast. Divert the attention off of yourself. If someone asks you about it, perhaps just laugh and say, "Oh, I heard he also slept with X and Y!" Like the other person was just reporting a crazy rumor to you, and you are giving other examples of girls who are equally unlikely candidates. Then change the subject - 'speaking of gossip, did you hear about X professor?'

It'll all blow over in time, people will find other things to talk about, more juicy gossip. This type of thing isn't uncommon anyway. I had a professor who started dating his student just before he got a job at my university - they ended up getting married (now have a baby). She is quite a bit younger too.

I also had a colleague (we worked at the same university English program for international students) who dated - and married - two of his students. The first he had kids with, and then divorced, and the other he also has kids with and is working toward a divorce. He was always hitting on his Asian students to the point that some of them that I was on good terms with came to me to complain about it. Some of them even stopped going to class because he would always talk about sex and inappropriate things (this guy is like, 50!!). The department knows he married both of those students... and didn't do a thing....

[Elizabeth48]

I know professors who slept w/their students and married them. Its not ideal but it happens. As I already said, its not usually strictly forbidden just very frowned upon. The reason is b/c most schools view it as a violation of the student-mentor relationship.

If your professor is a tenured, respected member of his field and brings money into the university, it is unlikely he will lose his job over you. Sorry, its not going to make you feel better, but it is the reality of your situation.

But yes, he still sounds like an ass. Sorry this happened to you. If it makes you feel any better, if this is his MO his Chair and fellow faculty do know about his behaviour. There will be consequences for him, even if they don't involve outright getting fired. Academia is a small community and bad reps do get around, just like in any other profession.

Thanks. He is not actually tenured, but is up for it soon. I have reason to believe this situation is going to 'get out' and I hope that it doesn't, less for my own reputation than because I just want to move past it/ not get involved in the professional side of it. But your comment re: the other faculty knowing he does this makes me wonder. It was always difficult to tell whether he was liked or disliked by other faculty.

[Elizabeth48]

As for the recommendations, ask another professor. Surely he didn't teach ALL of your core classes... that would be strange.

Second, you said you were 29...? You sound a little naive.. I'm not sure how you didn't see how obvious it was that he was using you. You said yourself that you always thought his relationship with students was a bit too close... and that was what you saw publicly - who knows what went on behind closed doors! He probably had a fantasy of having sex with his students (it's a pretty common one; teacher-student sex... in fact, it's definitely one of mine!), so I'm sure he did enjoy those months with you, lol. I'm not sure how you didn't realize that though, especially since I doubt he called you his girlfriend or took you out anywhere public - you know, did anything to indicate that he was proud of being with you, the normal things that people do when they care about each other. It sounds like you were in big huge denial.

....

He actually did teach all of my core classes. I was in a specialized field.

And I know, I do feel naive afterwards. It's just that we were such good friends, I thought the feelings were real. Naive, but I cared about him, or felt like I did, and really, honestly didn't see it coming.

[IndiReloaded]

Elizabeth, despite your protests, you sound like a stereotypical 'woman scorned' looking for revenge.

Just distance yourself from this guy. You've had at least two posters w/experience in this posting tonight (lucky you), so I'd suggest you consider carefully what we are telling you. He won't end up fired. There is little you can do unless you can prove threats or coercion. But you consented as a legal adult. In the grand scheme of things, productive faculty (even assholes) rate higher than transient students. Learn your lesson and move on.