Not sure where I stand? Sorry...its a long one!

[katejackson66]

I started Uni in September and there was always an attraction between myself and a lad in one of my classes. However, we were both with other people and this never went anywhere, I didn't even think about it doing.

Then in November it was a mutual friends' birthday party that we both attended and we spent most of the night together, being flirty and touchy feely and dancing in the club afterwards. We both had had a lot to drink and somehow we ended up outside, kissed, and went back to his flat to sleep together.

Although this was obviously a stupid mistake and something like I've never done before (as well as being brought on by having drunk too much) it felt "right"...he was very attentive to making me feel good and after it was over stared at me for what seemed like forever. The next morning we talked about how both our relationships seemed doomed and needed something like this to happen to end them.

We talked a lot about how we were going to deal with the situation...we both told our partners and these relationships were quickly finished. He, however, seemed to go into military mode and seemed to know what to do for the best for himself: he changed his appearance (his hair and trying to lose some weight), he cut off contact from certain people, he stopped drinking and he tried to reassure me all the time as I was very nervous about the repercussions. He kept telling me he needed time and space to think and that it was a possibility when he was ready that he'd be taking me out for a drink and that we'd be seeing each other...that he thought I was "cool", attractive and that he was interested.

I, on the other hand, did not seem to know what to do for the best and went on a bit of a drunken rampage. Every time, whether he was out with us or not, it would end in an argument...I'd either get upset in front of him asking where I stood, where we were going, how he was feeling or I'd text him the same. He overlooked this several times but on one occassion I got aggresive that he didn't respond and took things too far that he snapped. Quite understandably he didn't talk to me for a whole week despite my apologises and pleas to talk about it.

In the end I wrote him a letter explaining everything I had been feeling. How what we had done hadn't hit me straightaway like it had him and how I know in hindsight I had gone about it the total wrong way. That I obviously didn't mean anything I had said to him and that I was beside myself with guilt for having hurt him and not listening to him in the first place, for throwing what he'd tried to do for us both in his face.

I also told him how I felt...that I couldn't stop thinking about him, that when he looks at me (with his eyebrows raised a little bit and a little smile on his face) straight into my eyes, it makes me feel like I've never felt before and that I felt like he felt the same too. That I couldn't stand it if I had ruined that chance before I'd even had it, that I wanted nothing but to go back to the start, forget everything that had happened and have a fresh start, from scratch, after I'd had the time and space that he had now had but that I needed too.

After he read the letter we went for a walk to talk about it. He said that when he had read the letter he had "started to mellow" and that he understood how people reacted differently and that he was sorry he hadn't realised how hard a time I'd had and that he hadn't helped me through it for the best. He also said, however, that he couldn't see anything coming of the situation anymore...that he couldn't get over the texts and couldn't see anything good coming out of anything bad. This broke my heart and I got very upset. He assured me that I wasn't just a notch on his bedpost and he didn't see me as a one night stand, he wasn't ashamed for having slept with me but rather than having gone down the traditional route of dating me, if anything was ever to happen it would be through being friends, good friends, close friends. He also went as far to say that he didn't think he would be any good for me, that I deserved better than him.

He also told me that over the Christmas holidays he was having a tattoo done with the saying "Strength in Mind, Strength in Body, Strength in Character" as this was what had helped him get through what had happened. I found it strange to think I was going to be permanently on his body so to speak. As I was leaving I asked again if I should give up any hope of us ever being together. We had a hug, and when I pulled in tighter so did he, and he said that "you'll be alright, we'll both be alright". All the time he was looking me straight in the eyes, with his eyebrows raised a little and a little smile on his face. It totally melts me.

When I got home for Christmas I texted him and asked "Pls can we have a new start for the new year. Forget everything thats happened, not talk about it again and start from scratch. Its all I want". He replied "Yea that sounds right, have a good break". What does this mean? Does it mean he has changed his mind? Where should I go from here? My friends say that they can see it going somewhere or else why would he go to such a trouble to sort things out, that he acts around me like he does like me. I'm desperate to get in touch but am determined to leave it to be just a generic Happy Christmas text on Friday. I'm really trying to pull myself together and to prove I'm still the girl he liked in the first place...I've changed my hair colour and am trying to lose a bit of weight myself to mark a new start, I just want a second chance

[firewired]

Hey, I know this sounds tough to to, but I think the best thing you can do is just relax about it. If it is meant to happen it will happen.

For myself, it seems like the times when something finally happens that I have been asking for, for a long time, finally happens when I am not thinking about it. It happens when I least expect it to come along and it happily surprises me. You need to get yourself in a great place and love yourself first before someone else will love you. I am working on that one myself too along with many others!

Good luck and I'm sure this will turn out wonderfully!

Happy Holidays!

- firewired