Originally Posted by
pinkscorpion
I know that it's been 2 years and I haven't talked to you at all or even talked about you very much to anyone in those 2 years.
However, I've thought about you EVERY SINGLE DAY because you hurt me so badly. Worse than anyone had ever hurt me before. At first, it was unbearable. I'd wake up, go through my day, and go to sleep in complete emotional agony. I still don't know how I got through it.
It's gotten easier, of course, but I still miss the person I thought you were. It still sends a sharp pang of resentment, guilt, and general unease when I am reminded of your existence. And HER existence.
It hurts that you're still with her. I was hoping that you couldn't make it work with anyone so I wouldn't feel like the problem was me. But you can make it work with her, so I still can't help feeling that there must be something wrong with me. I don't want you back. I know that. But I want you to be miserable because I still am, underneath all my academic and personal success.
You may be failing at life and stuck in a tiny town. You may have dropped out of school after almost a decade in undergrad. You may be getting fat and not doing much.
I may appear to be a confident, vibrant, happy woman and sometimes that is true, but my loneliness is always in the back of head. I can't seem to hold onto a man and I can't seem to pick the right men. And you and her are still together, even if you're not terribly successful in....anything at all, really.
Why is it that I can do so many seemingly impossible things but I can't have a functional relationship to save my life?
Why didn't you pick me over her?
I don't understand anything.