She Makes it Worse by Being Nice

[cmacattack1]

Well if you want a relationship, go for a relationship. If you want casual sex, go for casual sex. As long as you are honest and upfront about it, they couldn't be mad at you for being deceitful.

At least you are getting some! I've barely thought of another girl as beautiful in comparison to my ex, and even had some girls interested in me but I haven't made a move. And it's been three months since the break up, almost two since we stopped talking. And my ex has been dating a guy since before we stopped talking. Don't be like me, please.

[shheadz]

What's holding you back? I knew once I shut the bedroom lights off, there was no going back with me ex. I hope you're not holding back because you don't want to burn any bridges with your ex.

[cmacattack1]

I'm guessing it's because sadly I still haven't accepted it's over. The whole guilt complex with me is that I was neglectful, I felt like I forced her into a decision she didn't want to make, and based on my break up actions of begging, overattention, etc. I ruined it and pushed her towards another guy. Yet still, I think that she still cares on top of it even though we haven't talked in a while. Talk about being an insane person. I think I need to hire somebody to pistol whip me until I agree that's it's over. I need some jolt or shock or something. Maybe that's what I thought I could do if I kept after her, that I would either have her back or she would just flat out tell me to never talk or call or anything again or I don't love you anymore. Because I got lots of mixed messages from her, lots of replies from my attention and not "give me space", and an invitation to see her after I poured my heart out.

I keep telling myself that's its too soon and that I should be able to feel whatever I want to feel for as long as I want. It's becoming a drag though.

[shheadz]

I keep telling myself that's its too soon and that I should be able to feel whatever I want to feel for as long as I want. It's becoming a drag though.

You need to start thinking about you, and doing whatever is necessary for you to feel whole again. Seeing another girl might help. I don't believe a lot of the nonsense I read in the boards here.. "Oh, you need to get your own heart in order before starting a new relationship or you'll just ruin it" bla bla bla. That kind of talk belongs in greeting cards, and it doesn't honestly address the weakness of the human condition. Don't feel bad about bringing some emotional baggage into a new relationship. Unless you're 16, we all have some emotional baggage that we're carrying around. That shouldn't stop you from enjoying life, and the company of a nice girl.

[cmacattack1]

Very true. I feel like if I go in with some emotional baggage, I'm just putting somebody else through something that has nothing to do with it. It's not fair to them. I guess if I'm upfront about it they cannot get mad at me for it. I can't imagine a bigger turnoff though heh.

And if I still have feelings for an ex, a new relationship could be wrought with all sorts of potential complications: "What if she comes back?" Will I chase after her again? Not saying that I think that it's the right thing to do but I can't predict the future. Hopefully something from all this sticks as a lesson. "Will I be comparing her to my ex?" Even after recognizing some serious faults in my ex girlfriend, I still have a feeling that the others won't compare.

Hence me not pursuing. Guess I won't know until I try? And not let life pass me by.

[shheadz]

Happiness doesn't grow from loneliness. So yeah, go ahead and try to find a nice girl. Don't sweat the other stuff. You're probably always going to have feelings for you ex, but that doesn't mean you can't love another.

[shheadz]

To expand on the point I was trying to make.. I think worrying about our problems does more to sabotage our lives and relationships than the problems themselves. Worry creates fear.. fear of rejection, fear of not finding love again, fear of opening ourselves to someone, etc. I'm not going to let fear prevent me from throwing myself into a new relationship, and you shouldn't either.

[ladyluna85]

awwww i feel bad for u....i hope u move on....i hate the ex situation....i have an ex but insted of killing me he just wants to make me feel guilty....i dont care anymore.....u shoulf focus urself in something else and time will heal u....i remember i cried 3 days when i broke up with my ex.....3 days of hell....i really hurts!!.....hope the best for u

[cmacattack1]

Three days of hell eh? Lightweight!

You are right though. I shouldn't let that hold me back. Part of the reason I had problems in the relationship in the first place was what I was worried about: her not liking me past the honeymoon stage, me concerned and on edge about the future after she told me she loved me and wanted to marry me, me worried about telling her how I felt: all it did was make things a million times worse. She wasn't perfect either, had serious dependence on me and had her priorities mixed up, but she approached the relationship with a positive anything can happen attitude and she still feels very right about everything she's done I'm sure. Hence her angry speech of "I looked back at everything and I did everything right. You are the reason I gained weight, my grades suck, lost friends and family, etc."


Being on my own for the last few months is good, as I know I don't need her or somebody to be happy, even though I haven't been in-the-prime-relationship-happy. Help me build a little independence from the relationship and I guess take it from there. Our relationship would never be the same no matter how much we care about each other and wishing for that to happen is pathetic and sad.

[shheadz]

Jeez.. I don't know how I'm going to make it! haha.. I'm moving to another state on Feb 15th, so I just have to hang in there a little longer, but today was absolute hell. The worse day yet. I got called in because someone else called out. Of course she was working too. I was really wearing my emotions on my sleeve today, and I couldn't hide how upset I was.

I spent the whole day alternating between being pissed off, and being on the verge of tears. When I'm around her I can't stop thinking of all the sweet moments we had together, and how it's all over. In her mind we're still friends or something, so she doesn't understand why I'm so moody all day. She tries to cheer me up, but that makes it so much worse, cause I just want her to get the f*ck out of my sight.

Then she starts up with, "Why are you being so mean to me today? You're gonna make me cry." I'm really, really not trying to be a dick to her, but I can't even talk to her. I can't even look at her. I look at the floor when we're passing by each other. When she pushes me to find out why I'm moody, all I can say is "I don't know. Leave me alone." F*ck.. this next month and a half is going to be really hard.

[lahnnabell]

It's going to pass, remember? Just breathe. Who cares if she gets all butt hurt over your moodiness? It is not as though she has anything more to offer than her own previous shallow and self-absorbed behavior.

Her using lines like, "You're gonna make me cry" are just ploys for attention. I'd like to tell her to "Fcuk off" for you.

[shheadz]

Yeah.. I know she's not even worth my time, but my head and my heart aren't on the same page yet.

[cmacattack1]

I know you want to project that confidence and hope she will pick up on that and maybe start liking you again, but if you buy into that whole "you don't need her to be happy" slogan, what happened today was not important in the big picture. You are doing what you felt like doing, and you don't need any explanation for that and should not be worried about any potential consequences it may have caused for you two. After all, it isn't you two anymore.

It was whatever suited you at that particular moment and time. You know that you couldn't even pretend to be happy about the situation and it wouldn't have flew if you tried. I know exactly how you feel, I know it's difficult. I have the worst poker face in the world and ended up ignoring my ex in the first run in with her new boyfriend because of it.

There are going to be days like this. I guess I wish I had something to say that could take you out of this slump.

[shheadz]

I'd be lying if I said I didn't even care if she liked me anymore. My ego is in the gutter, and that would help. Honestly though I'm a very emotionally guarded person, and I don't like anyone thinking they've got to me.

[cmacattack1]

She took your pride, she took your love, she took what you were offering and kicked it in the side with a pair of steel toed boots. You never think you will ever meet somebody that will get into your armor and turn you inside out, and leave even the most menial day to day tasks suffering because of it. I never thought it would happen to me. It's total shock. It leaves you angry and frustrated at yourself, more so than at her, like "Why did I let her get to me like this? I knew this was going to happen!"

For me it was an eye opener. This is why you want to give in and give somebody your all. Because the extreme happiness you felt when everything was flying right really outweighed the misery you feel after. I'm not saying just dive in head first with every girl you meet. But don't be afraid to let them in when you like and really care about somebody, and don't commit to a relationship unless you are ready to give them 110% of everything you have to offer. Life's about living and not depriving yourself. I never gave 110% to anybody and it actually cost me my relationship and the happiness that came with it.

That wasn't your problem, you didn't screw up a great thing you had going. Well maybe you contributed a bit but there are too many reasons why a relationship can go down. It could be the right people at the wrong time. That's why it's always good to have the future open with somebody because maybe at some point it can be able to work.

It's going to be a rough month and a half. Think positive, do everything you can to make yourself happy, and keep reminding yourself that how you feel and what you feel like doing are perfectly fine if that's how and what you feel like doing. I don't think you want to scream at her or cry to her when you see her right? It will be all good in the big picture regardless of what happens with your relationship with her.