very confused!!!

[ladyluna85]

hi everybody i am new....happy christmas.....well here is my story.....i met my ex when i was 19....and he was 23 yrs old.....we met in college....he was all over me...and bc i had no boyfriend at the time i was bored....even though i didnt like him like that i dated him....and i stared to like him....and i wasnt his type either....but he though i was cute and i guess he was attracted to me....anyways.....we dated for 4 years....we didnt have a great relationship....it was okay i think....we had our problems we had our fights....i must confess i am very inmature...and i am sagittarious....he is an aquarious....i believe that u met someone and u take them as they are bc they wont change....only life and kids will change a person....i am pretty lazy...i do work and go to school but i hate cleaning and cooking....he is mature and independent.....emotionaly he is needy....he wants a woman that cares for him and a woman that he likes of course.....when he travels to his country or i travel to my country he is the one calling me....i just miss not having at boyfriend when i am away...and i dont feel the need to call him....but i am like that with everybody i love my family more than anything but just bc i dont call them often doesnt mean i dont....i am just cold i guess....i have never give him a gift or take him to a date....bc i just never felt like doing it....and he has take me to dates and diners etc.....like i said bf i am like that with my family too and it doesnt mean i dont love them.....anyways we broke up oct 15 i think..... (i dont even remember what date exactly we star dating).... i made him cold too i think bc he doesnt like that cold bf like he is now.....we tried to make up and keep up with our relationship but we end up breaking up again bc i am who i am and he is who he is and we just dont change....he is the want trying to go back with me, everytime we brake up or fight i dont talk to him until he begs to see me etc...when we broke up for real.....i cried yes for 3 days and i was over it and i am over it.....but he is the one calling me oh i miss u...bla bla....so we decided to meet other people bc we are just too used to each other....i dont rush things so if a man comes my way it will come i dont go trying to force me to date....but he has tried to date 4 girls.....he text them he says but when it is time to ask them out he just cant and remembers me and ends up telling them he cant do it and stop talking to them.....he calls me just to talk and tells me what happends but he realizes again that it wont work out bc i am not his type and he isnt my type.....now he isnt that tall and i love tall man.....he is good looking but not someone i will go crazy for....the same thing happends to him....he likes blondes i am not a blonde....all our friends knows that we have been dating forever and i have never say to any of my friends "i love my boyfriend".....i dont know why i avoid the question....and i dont like going to parties with him.....i like to go out by myself with friends....so bc of that i let him go out with his friends in the beguining it bother me a little but i realize that i dont want to take him with me so he should go out with his friends while i am out with my friends....we are confuse bc we dont know if we really are soulmates and we just dont know bc we dont try to work it out like we should.....we are also scare that we try hard to make things work get marry star a family and star to cheat on each other and end in a divorce....we are trying to be friends but its hard to be friends with someone u have dated for 4 years...there is a little jealousy if i talk about boys or he talks about girls u know....this is so confusing...i need advices....thanks!!!

[irrelevant_89]

IMO your mistake was starting to date him from the beginning. Why become girlfriend of a guy you didn't really like just because you were "bored"? And then it seems that you kept with him for so long more out of fear of being alone (or just because having a bf is cool) than for actually loving him.

He seems to have strong feelings for you though. You'll just have to analyse yourself: "Do I love this guy? Does his personality, mind, emotions and physical traces appeal to me?" Honestly your post makes it seem it is not the case, and if it isn't, you probably shouldn't go and try to be friends with him, or his feelings will stay strong and he won't be able to move on. You can only think of restarting the friendship once you're sure the romantic feelings are gone (which is hard to know, of course).

[ladyluna85]

that is the problem.....when we broke up i didnt talk to him or text him.....he was the one calling me drunk i miss u.....coming to my house at 3 am just to see me....yesterday saying how he misses me....and today we talk and we realize i am not what he wants and he is not what i want so we should just not talk to each other....but than he says u are the only one i can talk to the only one that knows me....pls text me back or see me when i am sad or feel alone.... (not sexually of course)....sometimes i think he just depress and it makes him think that he still feels something for me....i dont mind not talking to him even if it not the right thing....but i feel bad for him when he needs emotional support and when i picture me with a boyfriend and i think of him i feel sad....this is so confusing we dont know what to do

[irrelevant_89]

Honestly, my own experience suggests me that just being firm and saying "it's over, accept it, please stop calling me or trying to see me" would be better for both of you. I wish my non-girlfriend would have told me that. He needs to know he doesn't have a chance with you anymore, and you need to (sorry for the expression) get him off your back.

However, there's one thing you have to ask yourself: exactly how disturbed/depressed is he? If it's too much he might not be able to bounce back from that and move on.

[kai]

This relationship is doomed for sure but, I want to give you an advice for your future relationships.

Don't have this attitude "I'm what I'm, take me or leave it". If you will enter a relationship with this attitude then that'll always end with a break up. Relationships are about evolving as a person, trying new things, becoming a better person. What you do to your family is entirely different thing. They are your parents and they'll always love you, no matter what. But, this kind of attitude never works in a relationship.

[ladyluna85]

yeah i will ignore like i was doing....i am not his mother to run for him when he cries or when he feels lonely...to bad for him....only a miracle will make us keep the relationship....i dont think god has miracles to waste....i am leaving it to life and time.....only time creates and destroys....another lesson of life i have to learn.....errrrr....thank u guys

[ladyluna85]

by the way i forgot to mention....the first two years of our ex relationship i didnt remember his birthday.....so dec 20th was my birthday and he didnt even text happy birthday and when he text me the 21th he said 'i didnt say happy birthday bc u didnt deserve it'...and its always like that with him....he always does mean things to me bc is his way of making me pay the times he felt hurt bc of me.....i dont get it if i am not his type like he says everytime i say he is not my type....why he misses me and tries to make up the relationship....he always ask what can he do to make me happy??? so we can star again???....than i star with the topic that he is not my type and he also says the same thing.....i just talk to him over the phone....bc he knows i am posting this online....and i told him that the best is to end it...and sorry i wont talk to him that i will ignore him like was doing it.....i said it by text....he called me 3 times ....i explain to him that sometimes i think he thinks i am not good for him so he wants to proof himself that he can do better and when he tries he remembers me....bc lastnight crying he ask me....why when i tried to talk to other girls i remembers u and i have to end it?.....and than he answer me with "but i am not trying to go back with u"....and i am like "hello.....who text me all those text about missing me and etc etc'?....who cried yesterday infront of me'?"....and i told him why did he call me 3 times today....he said bc i text him....i just advice him to ignore like i was ignoring his text....i am tired of this situation i hope i can meet a man i like and he can see us to stop everything but unfortunatly i just cant go for anybody and there isnt anybody i like around here.....i really dont care what bothers me is that he makes me feel guilty and that i should take care of him

[kai]

Wow.. you didn't remember his b'day for 2 years? That's absurd. I don't know what's your idea of a perfect relationship is but small things like these matter a lot.

Can you tell what kind of relationship is perfect you? You're kind of unique.

[ladyluna85]

at first i ask when was his brithday he said feb 7th.....so when feb came i ask him again when was ur brithday he didnt want to tell me (that was during the first year we star to date)....so i said happy birthday feb 6th....but i insisted and he said he will never tell me when is brithday....and i just forgot about it....the second year again i wasnt sure and he said it was yesterday....so i missed it....the third year i did remember....the fourth year i did remember too....but i am used to my parents ask me what i want for my birthday..... i hate surprices....and bc he works everyday christmas, new years eve etc....i never plan anything for him....my ex is muslim but he doesnt pray or anything i have seem his mother beg him to act like a real muslim he doesnt care....anyways in this case the religion is not an issue his best friend married a christian girl and his best friend converted into christianity to marry her (usually muslim man will never do that)....anyways.....i want a man that insted of making me pay everytime i hurt him insted to teach me and tell me "tessie u hurt me when u did this can u pls change that it is not done that way"....my ex takes it and than makes me pay for it by doing something mean to me.....he never drive me extremely crazy for him in order for me to do all the things he wishes i do....that is why i tell him find someone that loves u and does all the things i dont do....it hurst we wasted 4 years in a relationship without communication... we just dont change our ways