One of the hardest things to deal with IMO .....

[TimeToGrowUp]

Is the loneliness factor.

No more calls at 11am when she's on her way to work out. No more calls or texts later in the evening, depending on if we were hanging out that day. No more little cute little voice she did for me. No more of those little quirky comments that only you two share.

My place has never felt lonelier. When I first met her I had roommates. I proceeded to move into my own place, but never wanted a roommate because I had her. Having her over was like already having one.

I work in a small office with people much older than me. This isn't like college, where I could step out my door and be around thousands of people everyday. I've got responsibilities and bills to take care of. My friends are all in the same boat, so they're off doing their thing.

It's been a month, but I still haven't gotten used to all those things not being there anymore. My phone barely ever rings, as I was never the chatty type. So when it did it was either her or my mother. Even something as simple as that phone call from her hurts to not have anymore.

[lahnnabell]

Yikes. Sounds like you were far too dependent upon her to provide you with some sort of life outside of your work and responsibilities. That can be a lot of pressure for one person.

You should make time with your friends. Meet up at a bar some night during happy hour. Or make new friends. Take up a sport, or a new hobby. You gotta start helping yourself at this point. No one is magically going to cure this loneliness for you.

Sorry if I sound rather unsympathetic. I do understand, but I have also been where you are, and the methods I've described do work. You just have to give yourself a bit of a kick in the ass.

[Rawhide1234]

TimeToGrowUp -

I'm going exactly through the same thing you are right now. I've been reading the posts on this site for about a week now, in order to help me deal with a break up after a 2 year relationship. This is my first actual post.

It would take me many paragraphs to explain the complicated relationship that just ended for me. I'm not really prepared to lay it out right now, as I'm sure most people would not want to hear all of the details anyway. I know I've been pouring my heart out to my family and friends for a couple of weeks now, and I'm starting to feel sorry that they have to listen to me. But I love them more than ever now for the support they've provided me.
That is one good result from this breakup - I've grown closer to several family members and friends, and have developed a new found appreciation for them. I hope that you have a support network that you can go to when things get tough.

No matter who I talk to, how often I talk to them, how much I try and occupy my time, I still have to deal with my deep sense of loneliness when I am left to myself and my thoughts. At times I feel paralyzed.

I was in a rocky relationship with a woman for the last two years. She initiated numerous break ups during those two years but we always got back together, for better or worse. She expressed her love and devotion to me constantly, in cards and emails and words. Up until a few weeks ago she was seriously discussing marrying me. But she also had this horrible tendency to leave me when she got angry with me, sometimes saying some nasty things in the process. She always apologized after the fact and explained that she did that because she loved me so much and felt vulnerable to me. So whenever she detected that I was unhappy, she preemptively broke up with me before I could do it to her. But I never broke up with her or threatened to, ever. Her insecurities caused her to protect herself and her feelings by breaking up with me repeatedly. This seriously damaged my trust in her and prevented our relationship from making steady progress.

She initiated the final break up a few weeks ago after an argument. For a week we talked occasionally about maybe trying to work things out, but she eventually decided that it was over for good. She said she realized that I would never be able to commit my future to her. While I couldn't commit to marriage right now, I thought that maybe I would be able to with some more time. She apparently didn't want to wait and see. So she broke things off and we haven't talked in about 2 weeks.

Like you, the loneliness is killing me. In addition to lovers, we were also best friends and had some great times together. We talked on the phone about 10-15 times a day and spent every weekend together. Now the phone rarely rings. Now I have no one to talk to about little stupid things that happen every day. I now feel like I have a huge void in my life. The one person who knew just about everything about me is gone for good. I have tons of pictures of us, my house has things all over the place that remind me of trips we took together, even a lot of the clothes I wear she bought for me. Hell, this computer I'm typing on she bought for me. I am struggling mightily to deal with this loss. I've gone to bookstores, libraries, the internet, for advice. I've talked to about 8 relatives and friends, in depth about my relationship. All provide some temporary relief, but when I'm left to myself I have a hard time functioning. I've realized that everyone is doing their best, but no one can completely help me. I'm convinced that time is the only long term healer.

While it's probably a good thing that the relationship is over (at least that's what I keep telling myself) for reasons I won't get into here, the short-term pain is fierce. While I've been very active over the last few weeks in order to keep my mind off of the pain, I find myself having several down moments every day. The thought of trying to start something new with someone else frightens me. I miss her so much and I don't know how to deal with her absence in my life. If I come up with anything that helps me, I will post it here in case it might help you too. It is somewhat comforting to know that other people are going through similar circumstances and that we can help each other out. Best of luck to you.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Yikes. Sounds like you were far too dependent upon her to provide you with some sort of life outside of your work and responsibilities. That can be a lot of pressure for one person.

You should make time with your friends. Meet up at a bar some night during happy hour. Or make new friends. Take up a sport, or a new hobby. You gotta start helping yourself at this point. No one is magically going to cure this loneliness for you.

Sorry if I sound rather unsympathetic. I do understand, but I have also been where you are, and the methods I've described do work. You just have to give yourself a bit of a kick in the ass.

Lahnnabell,

I know what you're saying. It's just weird, because I never paid as much attention to those little things as I am right now. They became "expected" and just a normal part of the routine.

I agree with going out and doing things. That's why I'm going out tonight.

[w3llborn]

wow i have the same feeling. i was so dependent on my girlfriend and didnt even realize it until now. whenever we would go out, we would go out with her friends, as i became close to them and sort of disconnected with mine. now shes gone, her friends feel that it would be awkward if we hung out, so i feel myself being lonely alot now. i started to call up old friends but it gonna take a while to get back to the single life.

[ricerocket1]

i think thats probably the worst even though you didn't mean to be dependent with that person but your so accustomed to being there everyday and you just assume like the sun they're always going to be there for you, i know i did. right now it sucks since it's just the beginning of your break up but don't try to look at it that way look at it a fresh start for yourself. my mood swings is easing up to rarely happens now, i usually just get mad at work if things get hectic but that's normal. do stuff that makes you happy, like a hobby, read a book, gym anything that'll take your time off him/her. i've been hanging out with a lot of my friends and just hanging out with my family and it feels so good. i have 3 jobs so that helps too and school is starting for me on monday so that's going to be extra good. i made a list of things i accomplished since my break up and it made me feel good about myself again. i know its a bittersweet feeling that it doesn't hurt as much anymore and you know that your moving on and everything you felt, memories will be soon gone but like i said earlier its a new chapter in your life. what i learn is love should never complete you but complement you. hang in there man it'll get easier it just takes time

[lahnnabell]

wow i have the same feeling. i was so dependent on my girlfriend and didnt even realize it until now. whenever we would go out, we would go out with her friends, as i became close to them and sort of disconnected with mine. now shes gone, her friends feel that it would be awkward if we hung out, so i feel myself being lonely alot now. i started to call up old friends but it gonna take a while to get back to the single life.

Take it as a lesson learned. Remember to stay in touch with YOUR friends and not become consumed with the other person's life. You still need to maintain a sense of self.

[cmacattack1]

You have pretty much described it for me, living at home, while the ex is partying it up at school still. I'd be stupid to think that she'd care about me after all the attention she gets from guys, having fun with her friends and how unappreciative I was when she texted me to say things and called me to try and cheer me up when I was miserable working a shitty job at home. She would always complain that I didn't return the favor, and I probably didn't express how much they meant to me. I actually became annoyed. Who does that?

It all takes balance. I kept good connections with my friends but it was at the expense of her at times. She didn't feel like a higher priority than them, and I would actually argue when she would say these things. Ridiculous. Now, they are out doing their own thing, and I return home to get nitpicked at by my parents and have no call, text, romantic get-together and nothing like that to look forward to.

I cannot believe I took her at her word when she said she loved me and wanted to marry me and that she would never want to leave me, and then tested that theory. Love does not conquer all, why would I believe it would and singlehandedly use that for my own benefit and comfort?

It sickens me but sadly there is nothing I can do to change what has happened. The connection we had is indisputible, but the damage is done and will always be in the back of my head. That's what being on your own makes you realize and appreciate. The question "How could she possibly want to give things another go in the future?" doesn't even need to be asked. She won't.

[QueenofCorona]

Is the loneliness factor.

No more calls at 11am when she's on her way to work out. No more calls or texts later in the evening, depending on if we were hanging out that day. No more little cute little voice she did for me. No more of those little quirky comments that only you two share.

My place has never felt lonelier. When I first met her I had roommates. I proceeded to move into my own place, but never wanted a roommate because I had her. Having her over was like already having one.

I work in a small office with people much older than me. This isn't like college, where I could step out my door and be around thousands of people everyday. I've got responsibilities and bills to take care of. My friends are all in the same boat, so they're off doing their thing.

It's been a month, but I still haven't gotten used to all those things not being there anymore. My phone barely ever rings, as I was never the chatty type. So when it did it was either her or my mother. Even something as simple as that phone call from her hurts to not have anymore.

Ouch. I know the feeling too. Its hard and hurts like hell. Last time I felt like that I ended up throwing myself into the gym to keep myself occupied. It really helped too to just put on my ipod and blast music on the treadmill, not to mention good for your body too. Maybe think of adopting a dog/cat or getting a roommmate even. You might find a cool friend and save money on rent. Nothing can ever replace her or be a total Band Aid to your heart but sometimes throwing your attention to something positive can really help.