Best Guy Friend = Cockblock

[showtime]

I've been seeing this girl for 6 months and we have a really strong connection sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. We connect on so many levels and I've dated a lot of women so I know I've found something great here (understatement). It's no doubt that she wants to be with me but for the longest time she never wanted to be official or physical with me (other than kissing and a little playing around). She doesn't see me that much because she told me that she knows that she'll fall for me even more. She said she needed time to figure things out.

It got to a point where I could no longer wait for whatever it is that she said she needed time to figure out and basically let her know that as much as I want to be with her I need to know what's going on to give me a reason to wait. With much hesitation she tells me that her best guy friend has strongly expressed that he likes her. They've been friends for years and they tried dating in the past but it never worked out. She tried to explain to him that she's not into him that way because he keeps trying. We've already discussed that she's not into him in a romantic way and if she pursues me that she feels like she'll lose her friend. If she doesn't let her friend down she felt like she would lose me.

I told her that if this isn't going anywhere that I would probably stop talking to her and date around until I get over her before we could be friends. I know she doesn't want to lose me and the main issue is she is really confused about what to do with her guy friend. She's really honest like me and she tells her best guy friend everything. She feels that if she tells her best guy friend about us getting even closer than we are in more ways than one that he'll flip out.

It's really official that he likes her and she told me the reasons for why he likes her but we both agreed that they aren't good for a long term relationship. She said that he's the closest person that isn't her family and that she confides in him about a lot of things.

My advice for her was this:

Ask him why you guys are friends. Then tell him firmly why the relationship wouldn't work. If he values the friendship he will try to understand, put aside his ego and also his male competitiveness. She hasn't talked to him yet because he lives far away and he's in the military.

So here is my question...

I want to be with this girl and even though we're only 6 months in... I feel a very strong connection with this woman and it would be a real shame to let this go without a real valid reason.

At the very least, we should start seeing each other more but if she can't even do that then I don't know what to do anymore. I'm willing to walk away if I have to, but I just need a really strong reason to stop.

I told her that I feel we have a strong connection and I know she says she does too but what makes me doubt it is when she can't see me for fear of hurting her friend.

I also told her that if she lets me go that he'll end up cockblocking any other interests that she finds in the future which may inevitably convince her that she should settle for him. However, I like this girl enough that I won't let her settle... she deserves the best for herself and we give that to each other.
Any help?

[Heratriumphant]

No matter how much you like/care about someone you can't force them to grow a spine.

I'm sure this girl is really great, but until she learns to stand up for herself she isn't fit to be with anyone.

There are red flags all over the place here; co-dependency, low self esteem, spinelessness, weird controlling friendship...

I'd strongly caution you to take a step back and take a serious look at your relationship.

[Spring Haze]

She either doesn't see this guy for what he is - a man who is lying in wait in hopes his feelings will be returned, rather than an actual friend - or she is hiding something from you.

Another thing is that she doesn't see you as worthwhile as this friend, unless she's that altruistic, or is fearful of him.

If she decides on you, she will probably have to cut him from her life. She should've done that long ago, but this will never work with you two if she doesn't.

Are you aware of her relationship history in the past? Was he present when she was with other men?

[showtime]

Hera:

Those traits that you mentioned are very valid to a degree.

She's really too nice sometimes but not to the extent where she obviously gets taken advantage of.

She does kind of have low self-esteem when it comes to her self image (but what woman doesn't?) however it's something I feel I can work with (ironically I'm a part-time dating coach whose job is to teach men how to be more confident in meeting women). She's a very likable person with lots of acquaintances. She's very alpha-female but is more inclined to be introverted.

This is a guy who she obviously cares about because of how close they are and so I understand that it's something that shouldn't be taken lightly. She does follow the rules a lot and thinks a lot about keeping the peace in all kinds of relationships. So although I can see it as a con, it is also a pro.

And it's not so much a weird controlling friendship, but they've developed a close relationship where it has been completely honest. However, when being honest about her new love interest arises, all of a sudden her guy friend gets jealous.

I am aware of the flaws in this girl which is the important part. Everyone has flaws, and part of loving someone is accepting the good and the bad. There are things that can be helped and some that can't be helped. These flaws that she has are things that I feel that I can help with. Now obviously if they become a problem in the future they will be dealt with accordingly, but for now there is way more good than bad.

---

Spring Haze

One thing that I really love about this girl is her complete lack of selflessness. Again, it's a pro and a con. I understand it because I can be the same way. However, it took my trust to be abused enough times and building a backbone over the years to realize when and where to show this.

I know her history. Her first boyfriend was actually the friend of her new current guy friend. That's how they met. The boyfriend of hers cheated on her and so he wasn't necessarily the cause of their breakup. However, I don't think he helped it.

She did have a FWB relationship after that (one I would rather not think about, but I asked her about it when I was just talking to her as a playboy trying to get into her pants lol) but I don't think he really minded that much. I never asked, but maybe I should.

I think that once he realized that she really liked me that he started to get jealous. Her walls are really hard to break down and she doesn't have many close friends other than family. Kind of like me so I can understand that.

She did make it known to me that she knows she wants to be with me, but she just wants to handle this situation with the friend carefully. Personally, I think she's just delaying the inevitable with her friend and is having a hard time coming to grips with the reality of it.

I am fairly confident in my assessment of this situation, but I wanted an opinion other than my own. I appreciate the comments, they are very insightful and helpful.

[showtime]

new development:

i asked about the **** buddy and if the best friend got jealous and it turns out that HE was the **** buddy. but she said that she couldn't be his girlfriend because of personality differences and trust issues.

damn, i really don't know much about this relationship crap

after hearing this i cranked up the heat and i'm really getting to the meat of this whole thing so i can figure out my next steps. i let her know that i was upset but that i won't be irrational and that i'm going to see what i can do to understand this situation so that we can move forward.