Break Up, Suggestions.

[FrailWings]

I ain't making excuses for anyone. Just telling you her excuses. I did say I feel like I have to move on. I just wanted opinions if that's what I should do, or is there any advice about how to get her back. Having evaluated, moving on seems wise, I'll keep you guys posted.

[Rawhide1234]

I am going through the same emotional abuse that you are, with the repeated breakups, apologies, promises, getting back together, etc. It's an endless cycle of pain and it usually doesn't stop. Being on the receiving end of this type of abuse for a while now, I would suggest that you cut off all contact with her, as difficult as it will be. That's what I finally did. Take it one day at a time and be strong. Once you draw the line and take a stand against that behavior, then you can make your next move based on the response you get. You need to take the power back, so to speak, and stop being walked all over. Even if you've had great times together, you're attracted to her, etc. If you never hear from her again, then consider yourself better off emotionally and mentally in the long run.

She may miss the attention that she's used to getting from you and eventually contact you. Then you'll have to decide what to do next. Only you can make that decision. If you want, you can set conditions for her to come back into your life, but realize that most people can't change their true nature. If she seems really committed to changing, then it's up to you whether to give her that chance. You need to remember to do what's best for YOUR emotional health, and trust me, all the loving words in the world can't make up for the emotional abuse that she is causing you with these repeated breakups. You can choose to be in a stable or unstable relationship. The choice is yours, but it's not easy and it's not always clear.

[FrailWings]

Thank you. That's exactly what intend to do. 3 days and I ended up attempting contact. So I'm setting a date of the 20th without any contact from me to her. I was thinking of updating facebook status every now and then, to get her sort of jealous, but do you's think that's a good idea? Also I was thinking of blocking her on Msn and Facebook, what'd you's think of that? Anyways I'll keep you's posted

P.S I hope you's didn't get confused but in the mist of all the break ups, we both done it. Just incase you thought it was only her, I want you's to know the fine details

[kai]

Block her, if you want to move on and have a good life.

[cmacattack1]

You have to be careful with the whole cycle of breaking up and getting back together. It seems that you are very non chalant about the 3 or 4 break ups you guys had, when it is in fact a serious issue. Break ups are not tests and not some of the motions of normal relationships, they are the ending of the relationships. I know each time you guys were apart for a few days and got back together, but think about it for a second. Each time, there was an excuse why the relationship didn't work and you are just happy to be with each other again and not to be alone. Nothing was solved, and the problems were swept under the rug just to kill that lonliness.

Alright sometimes things are wrong and priorities are way out of line, so one break up might be necessary for most relationships in the late teens early twenties. The point is to really comb over every detail and figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how you BOTH were contributing. It takes both to want to make a conscious effort to fix things and make the relationship stronger in the long run. Some space away from them is necessary to really see things clearly, and I'm not talking a day or a week. Why it usually doesn't work is that both do not want to actively work towards fixing things. I understand that she has family issues and that's great you are empathizing, love is very much about understanding your mate and where some of her issues and behaviors come from. It's a reason, but it's not an excuse. She shouldn't be allowed to hide behind those to justify her actions. No matter how you spin it, it's wrong. Just like you getting angry and calling her names such as control freak and all that. You were angry, it's a reason, but it's not an excuse.

Unfortunately you guys are on the fourth break up and nothing has changed all that much. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is what my friend's dad calls "Nert-Nert" behavior. That's his insenstive term for mentally retarded people. Anyway, she might have recognized this and might be sick and tired of the hurt and the emotional roller coaster and is done with it. Not saying it's all your fault, she sounds pretty stubborn and unwilling to change and better herself too. No matter what you say or do in efforts to fix the relationship will get you nowhere and, based on how pissed off she is, will push her farther away. She will have to realize on her own what she was doing wrong and how she feels about you, there is really nothing you can do now except let her feel how she feels. That anger and hurt won't subside anytime soon and I know you are hurting as well. Space is the best thing for both right now, even though it doesn't seem like it. The only thing that can happen is if she comes to you on her own accord without poking or prodding and want to work on things. It's a powerless feeling and it sucks.

I'm sorry it had to happen like this. You were lucky to get a second chance, let alone a third or fourth chance to fix things. You just weren't on your own long enough each time to realize what was really wrong and just wanted to forgive and forget. You might have been happy with that, but keep in mind that it wasn't a stable relationship and that's not something you would want in your wife when it inevitably comes to that down the road.

[FrailWings]

Thank you for your reply. If we split up, i know that the problem was, we're both 2 stubborn people in truth. I've suggested we talk about our relationship plenty of times in the past, but it never materialises. She's told me what she thought went wrong in the past, but when we went to sort it out, i was the only one willing to put the effort in. I was happy to forgive and forget, at the time. But when i go to address the issues she was reluctant. Regarding December 2009, i told her, i'd probably be stressed out + upset, because of family issues, so i'd like support from her. Which i never really got, we argued instead. I always complained that she wouldn't support as much as she could. I know what went wrong in the relationship, i know how to fix it, so to speak, but like you said it takes 2 people.

[cmacattack1]

No matter how much you bend over backwards, if she doesn't want to put in the work, no progress will ever occur. Not saying she doesn't care but maybe she doesn't appreciate what you guys have. Some time on her own will help her appreciate it. That's how I was in my past relationship, my ex bent over backwards for me but I didn't budge. She tried very hard, at times calling me and crying and being desparate but I didn't want to put in the work. That helped her build up her anger until she unleashed it on me and said we were over. It's important to not let it build to that point, if you try to work on things the first time and she doesn't, that's when you back off.

I'm sorry that you have family issues and it's important to have somebody that you can talk to air it out to. You shouldn't have to ask her for support and if she is unwilling, arguing will not get you anywhere. You shouldn't have to be asking for things and complaining in a relationship, not only is that wrong and dependant behavior, but complaining will not get you anywhere. Like I mentioned my ex cried and begged and everything to me for months about what I should be doing and what I need to do for her. Her neediness really turned me off and I didn't budge. Neediness is not a good thing in a person or a relationship. When you need something, you are essentially operating in your own self interest regardless of how the other person feels. It's not about you and her, it's just about you.

As for forgiving and forgeting, that's something you can do as we all make mistakes. However, there needs to be a line where you will no longer do that if it continues to happen. Love is not about toleration, even if you see in your parent's relationship or your friends or whatever. Tolerating things they do wrong is essentially being their crutch and supporting and enabling their bad behavior. I'm not saying you have to put her down or raise your voice, but you have to logically look at her actions and take a stand when you know it's not right. Being able to think logically in a relationship is an important part of making sure it lasts. Too often we are shortsighted in that respect.

[FrailWings]

I understand where you're coming from. Like the first few days she ended it, i was all needy, and realised, that's not what she wants or i want. So i stopped communication for a while, but that didn't seem to work, i left it for 3 days. But maybe that's way to short of a time, to stop communication, so i am going to stop communication for 2 weeks and see what happens. She has this very stubborn shield, where she seems to be happy with life and us being over doesn't bother. However, i already know that for a few days, she's being crying alot about us breaking up. So that left me confused, if she wanted it over, why is she crying her eyes out constantly? So i thought, she wants to be in a relationship with me, but feels she can't. I don't know if that's true or not though. But what i really hate at the minute, is this shield she has up, of no communication, and "acting" as if she doesn't care if it's over.

[cmacattack1]

I was too man. My girlfriend was like "I need some space, I still love you and think you are the one, just not now" right after I had been ignoring her for a long time. That confused me and really sent me off the deep end. I texted her, called her, sent her letters but it was wrong of me to be so needy and it pissed her off more in the long run. I continued to periodically off and on talk to her and talk about us and our feelings but it just kept bringing up the hurt and the past she was trying to heal from and it ended with her telling me about her awesome new boyfriend. That's when it finally sunk in. I don't want that to happen to you and it's good you picked up so early on that.

Staying together, she's hurt, being apart she's hurt and lonely. Break ups are never easy, and many girls can attest that even though they wanted to break up and did not feel the love anymore, they are still upset about it. It was her decision to do this and she has to live with those consequences. Ironically, any help or support you provide her is not going to help you in the long run as it will either piss her off or make you a cushion for her next guy.

Two weeks is not long enough of a time period either. There is no set date for this, she can only come to you when she feels like she can and that's what she wants. I know you want to put a number on this and then patiently wait the days away until the clock runs out, but it's not good or healthy for you. It's going to take as long as it takes for her to come to you. All you can do in the meantime is hang with your buddies, pick up some hobbies, work out, and do things that make you happy. It'll help pass the time more quickly.

You know you will hear from her again, I can guarentee it. Waiting around is just testing your patience and causing your insanity. This is a good time to comb over your relationship in very fine detail and talking with others will really help recognize things that were wrong with her and you that maybe you were too shortsighted to see. It'll prepare you for her when she comes back or if she doesn't it will prepare you for a new relationship. Don't think about how to contact her or when, it's out of your hands now.

[FrailWings]

Well, the most likely form of contact i'll recieve is about getting each others stuff. I did make contact about that, and she did reply saying, she doesn't want arguments when we get our stuff, and would rather be "civilised". However, that was nearly a week ago now, and she's still yet to ask about getting each others stuff. She told me to text her when i'm going to collect hers, and if i'd bring her stuff down. Which i'm not going to do, i'm not going to contact her about stuff, instead let her contact me. However, when we broke up, she did say that, "we need time alone, by ourselves" and "she'll speak in a few weeks". The waiting game is horrible, but i'm trying to just move on, not totally move on, but prepare for it, so, i'm not sat, waiting on texts etc.

I thought i'd add this as well, about a week before she broke up with me, her very very very close cousin, moved down south, because her dad was abusive. But she said it wasn't affecting her and she'd be fine. Also in that week, her mother, came in drunk one night, and hit her, and she came to my house 2am in the morning crying. So those factors may have affected her, i don't know, just thought i'd add those details as well.

[w3llborn]

Yea, the waiting game does suck. I went through the same thing you are going through (well it was quite similar), and it was really hard for me. The thing that you have to try to get out of your head right now is the thought that she wants to get back together with you. If you keep on holding on to that hope, and then things do not work out, it will hurt even more. I unfortunately held on to that hope for about a month because she also said to me that "she just needs space and for us to do our own things" and I said okay, and that we would talk in a few weeks. Well I broke the no contact rule the next day and kept on trying to text, facebook message, call her and she just ignored it all, and made her extremely mad at me. Next thing I know, I see her facebook status to in a relationship with her "close" friend from work, who she used to always text and talk to constantly. It was a complete shock because I honestly thought that she would begin to miss me and want me back, but I was wrong. As much as you think they miss you, you have to realize that they probably don't because they are the one who broke up with you. And yes, I think that you should block her on facebook, it is just not good to always see what she is up to, especially if she gets a new guy like my ex did. Well I hope you hang in there man and stick to your no contact. Do not contact her and make her feel that you have moved on, its your only option at this point. Good luck and just do your own thing now.

[FrailWings]

Right, she contacted me via Facebook. Asking for me to post her stuff off to her, or put it through the door. She needs it asap apparently. This is really getting me down.