Why does he want less sex?

[LoveHurts09]

jealousy would also work short-term
failing that find some1 to fill the gap (im sure u wouldnt want to do that but if its becoming a problem he's unwilling to help with then u're running out of choices)

[Glith]

I too instantly thought 'depression'. It's not always easy to see, and it's such a huge factor on somebody's sexual desires. If you say he's not, fair enough, but it IS worth delving a little deeper. Depression can be quite tough to spot sometimes.

The important part here is to not get on at him about sex. That's the absolute worst thing you can do. It shouldn't be a matter of 'why dont we have it x times per week???'. If he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it, simple as that. Whatever it is causing it, whether it be depression, boredom, stress, or even just a general lower sex drive, you can't bully somebody into it, because they'll want it even less.

What he's told you does speak volumes. Sex can become very boring and tired when it's pre-planned and predictable.
Instead of trying to make him have sex more often, trying making him WANT it more often. Spice things up a little. Spontaneity is one of the biggest turn on for men.

[Mallory]

thanks David, LoveHurts and Glith.

about depression: I really don't think he is depressed. We joke around a lot and he still does everything else he always liked. He even started to work out (just to put on some muscles - not to loose weight).

About spicing things up: I would like to try some sort of role playing and I even mentioned it to him cause coincidently the issue came up in an episode of a tv series we were watching and he said that he wouldn't do that, but when I said that we could get drunk before that, just to make it more relaxed his answer was: "maybe", I also suggested to dress slutty at home and open the door like that when he gets hom from work and he also liked that idea. But I am wondering when we start with something like this, doesn't that has the effect that we would have to do that all the time cause the 'normal' sex would still be 'boring' (which I don't even perceive so most of the times).

about porn consumption: I wonder how much effect it might have on our love life. I read a lot about it on the net and there are many men who say that they had problems getting aroused by a real women after watching too much porn or lost interest in sex cause they started to prefer masturbation using porn. People broke-up and divorced because of porn. I am sure that it can have a positive effect also but I think one needs to be veeery careful with it.
Men that stopped watching porn had more and better sex with their partner afterwards. Sure it can be inspirational, but too much is harmful.

I personally would find it nice if he'd watch a lot less so he gets aroused again more easily by a real woman, and I perceive that as the best way for a loving relationship and also for personal happiness. What do you guys think? I mean I really enjoy just to have pure sex with him and I still get aroused by him. As far as it concerns me we wouldn't necessarily have to spice things up. And isn't it a turn on if your partner is turned on? well, at least to me it is.

My bf only watches porn when I am not home, and he does not do it every time. Sometimes he wouldn't watch for 2 weeks sometimes several times a week. I can't tell if there is a connection to his lowered libido. But I remember a time years ago when I would complain to him not having sex with me and it was in a period where he watched a lot of porn. He even admitted that he might have gotten a bit addicted, but he also said that he actually does not want to watch it and he just watches out of boredom. He even said that he'd stop, but he didn't. If I could make clear to him that it might benefit both of us, maybe I can make him want to stop. I know that you can't force anybody to do anything.

[shheadz]

Watching porn makes me horny, and makes me want to have sex even more. Just curious.. have you tried watching porn with him?

[Mallory]

Watching porn makes me horny, and makes me want to have sex even more. Just curious.. have you tried watching porn with him?

I suggested it, but he does not to watch with me cause it would make him feel uncomfortable. But I am sure he would change his mind if I chose the porn we'd watch so I would be kind of responsible. We coincidently saw a porn movie on tv and had sex afterwards cause I got turned on and him too (even though he did not admit.)

I would try that also, but I really don't want to rely on other stimulus than just 'us' too much.

[shheadz]

I would try that also, but I really don't want to rely on other stimulus than just 'us' too much.

Hrm.. I think you're a little too hung up on that. There's really nothing wrong with a couple -- who've been together for 6 years -- looking for ways to spice up their sex life. You hopefully have another 30 years together, so I would take things slow. No need to jump straight into dressing up in sexy batman and robin outfits. haha.. But doing something like watching a sexy movie together isn't a bad thing. It's good that it makes him uncomfortable. It sounds like he's gotten too comfortable -- and bored -- with your sex life. He needs to step outside of his comfort zone a little.

[Mallory]

Hrm.. I think you're a little too hung up on that. There's really nothing wrong with a couple -- who've been together for 6 years -- looking for ways to spice up their sex life. You hopefully have another 30 years together, so I would take things slow. No need to jump straight into dressing up in sexy batman and robin outfits. haha.. But doing something like watching a sexy movie together isn't a bad thing. It's good that it makes him uncomfortable. It sounds like he's gotten too comfortable -- and bored -- with your sex life. He needs to step outside of his comfort zone a little.

what do you mean, its good that it makes him feel uncomfortable??

you mean he does not really want to try something new cause he is too lazy and he is thinking, I am satisfied with watching porn now and then, why would I try to change something about my real sexlife??

[Mallory]

oh and why are you so sure he is bored with our sexlife? Most men say its normal to watch porn when their girl is not home, even in a relationship.

sure, he does want less sex .. but its still about 5 times a month and I am sure that he enjoys it most of the time. (other than when we have to use condoms etc.) It really could be the reason too.

I've read from people who almost stopped having sex after only a year,.. we have been togehter for almost 6 years and we still do have more sex than many other people.

[shheadz]

what do you mean, its good that it makes him feel uncomfortable??

Uncomfortable is another word for nervous. Nervous is another word for excited. See where I'm going here?

you mean he does not really want to try something new cause he is too lazy and he is thinking, I am satisfied with watching porn now and then, why would I try to change something about my real sexlife??

No, I'm saying he may be stuck in a rut. Same woman day after day, same job day after day, etc. Basically he could be bored. Which is why stirring up any kind of emotions in him -- even uncomfortable ones -- isn't a bad thing.

[SirWagginston]

First of all, I must say, this situation is wack. Except for that one ex who gained weight a lot of weight after quitting cheerleading, I practically never looked at porn when I was with someone.

But if you really want to salvage the situation, I think the best way would be to focus on his interests. You indicated that you know what type of porn he is watching. That means you know what he is fantasizing about. The best way to bring him out of fantasy land is to turn it into a reality.

This next part might sound bad, but it's the truth. The thing that makes blowjob porn a turn-on is that it's a selfless act for the girl. There aren't so many pressure receptors in the mouth that respond with pleasure--the girl does it because she really wants to "serve" the guy. Some girls are turned on by that concept, and some are not.

Either way, if he loves you enough to have stuck around for six years, he feels a sense of obligation to return the favor when you act selflessly on his behalf. Don't just show up at the door dressed sexy-like! Show up at the door dressed sexy-like, lead him to another room, and give him a blowjob without him having to ask for it. Awesome surprise! Do it like you mean it, like his pleasure is all that matters to you at the time. Repeat this process enough and he might find his fantasy becomes boring. Personally, I've discovered that my own fantasies aren't all that interesting once I do them a few times in real life.

[shheadz]

If a girlfriend came over to my house, walked in without saying much, unzipped my pants, gave me a bj, and then left, I'd be on cloud 9 for a week! haha I'd also cook her dinner for a week, clean the house, and give her all the messages she wants.

[Mallory]

First of all, I must say, this situation is wack. Except for that one ex who gained weight a lot of weight after quitting cheerleading, I practically never looked at porn when I was with someone.

But if you really want to salvage the situation, I think the best way would be to focus on his interests. You indicated that you know what type of porn he is watching. That means you know what he is fantasizing about. The best way to bring him out of fantasy land is to turn it into a reality.

This next part might sound bad, but it's the truth. The thing that makes blowjob porn a turn-on is that it's a selfless act for the girl. There aren't so many pressure receptors in the mouth that respond with pleasure--the girl does it because she really wants to "serve" the guy. Some girls are turned on by that concept, and some are not.

Either way, if he loves you enough to have stuck around for six years, he feels a sense of obligation to return the favor when you act selflessly on his behalf. Don't just show up at the door dressed sexy-like! Show up at the door dressed sexy-like, lead him to another room, and give him a blowjob without him having to ask for it. Awesome surprise! Do it like you mean it, like his pleasure is all that matters to you at the time. Repeat this process enough and he might find his fantasy becomes boring. Personally, I've discovered that my own fantasies aren't all that interesting once I do them a few times in real life.

I do give him blow-jobs and I like doing it he uses to call me blow-job-queen and things like that. I do it without him asking for it and also without asking him to have sex or pleasure me in return. And blow job videos is almost the only porn he watches. Yesterday when I talked to him about porn he said that he just watches it so he does not have to imagine things when he masturbates (which he just does when I am not home). He works shifts and sometimes I would visit my mom and stay at her house over night so he does spend some time alone from time to time.

so do you think that I really have to worry when we had sex about 7-8 times in summer and since two or three months it has only been 6 or 5 times??

[SirWagginston]

How often are you not at home?

[Mallory]

I get home every day at 5:30. But he works shifts. So usually has 2-3 days off during the week. When he works at night he would also be home alone all day. Sometimes he gets home from work at about 3 and when I visit my mom once a week I am not home over night. I try to visit her when when he works at night or at least until 9 in the evening. (then he still has some night hours being alone.) If I assume that he masturbates 2-3 times a week it is more than he has sex with me. I only see when he has been downloading porn in his history, which is sometimes 3 times a week and sometimes its nothing for a week or more. He might be watching online porn in private mode too though. but he does not search for porn to download in private mode - so I don't know. Now does that seem harmful to you?

thinking that he masturbates more often to porn than he has sex with me sounds harmful to me.

[DarkAzrael]

The six year time span can make things a bit boring, but it is relatively easy to spice things up with role play, new positions, etc....

Has your appearance changed? Have you gained weight? Cut your hair off? I know it's unfair but if you have changed in some way he may be less physically attracted to you.

The possibility of you becoming pregnant could be very heavily weighing on him. The girlfriend started being ok with no condoms (we aren't using any other kind of birth control at the moment - she has bad reactions to the pills) Usually we might start out a bit with no condom and finish with one, or just use one from the start.

Just a few days ago she didn't want me to use a condom, requested that I "finish", and a few days before then mentioned wanting a baby....

Scared the crap out of me... I immediately went for a condom and my head was so out of the game I couldn't finish at all...

I hate condoms with a passion, they change the dynamics of sex greatly, and I really dislike the feel, but without any contraception you are playing a dangerous game, so I prefer a condom to risking it.

Could be he is bored with sex, could be a bit depressed about something, could be scared of pregnancy, could be taking some time to adjust to using a condom, could be a million things.

I would ask him.