Think she'll be back? And should I even want that to happen?

[Rawhide1234]

I've mentioned in a few other threads that I've been in a 2 year emotional rollercoaster with a woman who broke up with me numerous times throughout, only for us to get back together repeatedly and for her to say that she wanted to marry me (right up until she broke up with me for the final time, about a month ago). I wasn't sure if I could marry her right now, but I didn't rule it out from happening down the road.

Her excuses for this trust-destroying pattern of breaking up were that she had trouble controlling her anger, she had a flight syndrome when she felt backed into a corner, and she was insecure and wanted to abandon me before I did it to her. After each breakup, she would often apologize profusely, professing her love for me, and I would always allow her back. We did have some amazing times together and we got along extremely well 90% of the time. That's what kept me from just letting her go every time she left me.

She broke up with me several weeks ago and told me to never contact her again. Like usual, and like a weakling, I tried to contact her repeatedly on the phone and thru email, but she completely ignored my attempts. After a few days of that, I reached a point where I finally gave up trying and stopped contacting her completely. Then after a week of no contact, she called me. I didn't answer and she left a message, basically just saying hello and that she was thinking about me.

After a few days I cracked and contacted her and we agreed to meet, just to talk. She seemed eager to do so. The meeting was awkward and I gave her the impression that I'd happily moved on with my life. She seemed surprised that I was so active after she broke up with me. She wanted to know what my intention was with meeting, and I told her I wasn't really sure. I didn't say anything about wanting to get back together, but neither did she. But I got the sense that she wanted to hear me say something along those lines. I didn't give that to her because she broke up with me, and I wanted to hear her finally fight to repair our relationship. But of course she didn't do that.

We ended our meeting and I told her that I would see her around, essentially. I could tell she didn't like the way I said that. I've texted her a few times since then, just lighthearted stuff, and she appears to be back to ignoring me again.

When she called me after a week of no contact, and then wanted to meet to "catch up," was she hoping to reconcile with me in some way? And now that I'm not begging to get back together with her, will she just stay away for good or should I expect her to contact me eventually again? Remember, up until a month ago she was talking about marrying and having kids. I'm really confused about whether I should even want her to contact me in the first place, because something tells me that this can't be salvaged. But I'm still in the mourning phase and miss her company. I'm very tempted to give in to weakness and reconnect with her. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks all!

[curves222]

Hi Rawhide--

You already know the answer to your situation because you have already been living it. Good for you! She obviously has huge committment issues and only wants you back when she thinks she has lost you.

I know you love and miss her but, in the long run, you don't want those kind of slices of craziness.

Stay strong and keep acting confident and happy on the outside. You'll keep your pride and, before long, you'll even find that confidence and happiness is genuine.

And, if you're anything like me, you'll even get just a teensy bit (okay, large amount) of satisfaction in her shock and discomfort at thinking you have totally moved on and don't want her anymore. Aaahhhh, but I am just wicked and evil that way .

[IndiReloaded]

She doesn't know her own mind but wants to keep you on the line, in case. Its completely unfair but standard operating procedure for some people. You are becoming her little pigeon, just like this guy:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/intimate-forum/37601-sex-once-month-acceptable-2.html#post535242[/url]

[cmacattack1]

In case you don't see where the relationship began breaking down, I can point it out for you.

She has broken up with you multiple times, only to come back with excuses each time. You recognize it. The question is, why do you allow it?

It's sad how many people are trained to believe that break ups and fights are normal. They really aren't though. Fights are when disagreements reach a heightened pitch and neither wants to make an effort to fix things, and break ups are when the relationship is desired to be ended. To view each fight as "normal" and "shit happens" is just setting you up for failure, and if more than one break up is necessary, you have to really look at it and see what is really being fixed by getting back together. Anybody can admit that they are wrong, that they have problems. But it's a whole other story to learn from it and fix it. And most people are too stubborn and too shortsighted to see that they are wrong and will not learn from it.

You think you are winning based on small details about what you have done during the latest break up. Who are you trying to fool, you are still thinking about it and still putting effort into it. She needs space to realize what she has, you need space to get your life back together and back on track. Do not lie to yourself and think these games of on and off no contact over a period of a week are really making a significant impact and generating improvement.

[Rawhide1234]

CMAC, to answer your question, I allowed this cycle of breaking up and getting back together to happen because she blamed it on anger management problems and because she brought abandonment issues into our relationship from her childhood. She repeatedly said that she didn't do it because she really wanted to be apart, but because it was just her nature to react in extreme ways when she got mad or felt like I was unhappy with her. So I believed her when she told me that her behavior was not really a reflection of her feelings for me, but more so a reflection of her own emotional instability.

She promised that she would be able to change and improve, so I always gave her the benefit of the doubt and allowed her back. I knew that her behavior was emotionally abusive, but I tried to overlook it with the hopes that she would change, and also because we really did get along well most of the time and loved each other. I'm sure a lot of people stronger than me would have seen this behavior as a deal-breaker and would have been done with her, but I, probably naively, always gave her chances to fix this. And I also blamed myself at times for saying things that maybe caused her to react this way, when I should have drawn the line and realized that you don't just walk out on someone when you get into a stupid argument. But I realize that by constantly forgiving her, I was allowing her to continue doing this to me. We tried counseling, which worked for a few months, but then things kind of went back to normal.

Should her erratic emotional behavior be a deal breaker with our relationship? There were a lot of positives in our relationship, and we did love each other, and that's why I was willing to overlook her anger management problems. I always held out hope that she would be able to change and then things would be fine. My dilemma is do I stop contacting her completely and if she comes back promising to work on things, do I try again? Or do I never give her that chance and just move on? I guess the question is when do I finally give up. Being completely without her is something I'm having trouble dealing with right now. Especially when she constantly told me that I was the only one she wanted to be with and she wanted to marry me.

Thanks for everyone's time and advice!

[Moe]

In case you don't see where the relationship began breaking down, I can point it out for you.

She has broken up with you multiple times, only to come back with excuses each time. You recognize it. The question is, why do you allow it?

It's sad how many people are trained to believe that break ups and fights are normal. They really aren't though. Fights are when disagreements reach a heightened pitch and neither wants to make an effort to fix things, and break ups are when the relationship is desired to be ended. To view each fight as "normal" and "shit happens" is just setting you up for failure, and if more than one break up is necessary, you have to really look at it and see what is really being fixed by getting back together. Anybody can admit that they are wrong, that they have problems. But it's a whole other story to learn from it and fix it. And most people are too stubborn and too shortsighted to see that they are wrong and will not learn from it.

You think you are winning based on small details about what you have done during the latest break up. Who are you trying to fool, you are still thinking about it and still putting effort into it. She needs space to realize what she has, you need space to get your life back together and back on track. Do not lie to yourself and think these games of on and off no contact over a period of a week are really making a significant impact and generating improvement.

I don't know your age or if kids are involved but she sounds like a younger version of my Ex.
She agrees to things then when backed into a corner she runs.(real fast and real far)
In three years my Ex and i never fought or even had a disagreement. Then one day out of nowhere she just ups and leaves.

Here's what I found out about my ex after the break, all by her friends who I never met because she ran so much she lived all over the country. Last check was 18 different cities in 9 different states by 35 And I know here now in this state for thirteen years but 4 different locations so do the math.
Married four times by 30 yrs old, some only lasting 6 weeks, 4 month, all very short times and every time one person to the other and always in a relationship.
She right now is in a really bad way because when we split she was moving to Illinois but the father one of her children tracked her down and wouldn't let her leave the state. So she's slipping into the whatever mode and doing whoever just to get by.
You are lucky to find this out now, like I was we were to be married this summer so I guess I'm lucky she ran.
The only good thing that made feel good was one of her ex friends sent me a long long letter and in the end said that they thought she was done running when she met me because she always said how happy she was and how much she loved us. Another of her friends who was worried about her drove 3 hours and hunted me down and basically said the same thing so it's not us good guys.

[Primo]

You two have played the back and forth game forever, so it probably won't end until someone is happily and safely involved with someone new. Like Indi said, she's stringing you along until she finds it. It's up to you if you want to be played or get on with your life.

[IndiReloaded]

CMAC, to answer your question, I allowed this cycle of breaking up and getting back together to happen because she blamed it on anger management problems and because she brought abandonment issues into our relationship from her childhood. She repeatedly said that she didn't do it because she really wanted to be apart, but because it was just her nature to react in extreme ways when she got mad or felt like I was unhappy with her. So I believed her when she told me that her behavior was not really a reflection of her feelings for me, but more so a reflection of her own emotional instability.

So? Sorry to sound so clinical about this, but the *reasons* don't change anything about your experience. cmac's post is still correct.

Knowing that someone grew up in a terribly abusive household so they become a mass murderer doesn't make them any less likely to stick the knife into you. Understand?

[cmacattack1]

Important life lesson: Love is not tolerance. Overlooking problems is not solutions. There are a millions reasons why we do things. Are they excuses? No. It's still wrong. You have to stand your ground and let her know that it's not right. It's great that you have empathy and are understanding, but it doesn't change the fact that they are still wrong. She'll say over and over that she has worked on things, but if you guys are apart for a short time there isn't any room for growth and you are just giving back into lonliness and desparation. Repeatedly breaking up is evidence that she needs more time on her own.

You can do whatever you think will work but you should take advantage of the opportunity to listen to us that have had the experiences. The best way to go about it is no contact. So she can make these changes on her own. If she really changed she's not going to need to say "Look at me look at me I changed I changed". It will be noticable.

I know you love this girl. She's not perfect and you both have your faults, and you are happy with them for who they are. She's got to want to be a better person so that you both can have a better relationship. But understand that you can have this happiness with another person, there is not just one "one" out there. You do not need her to be happy. Want her to make you more happy, but not need. You can live without her if that is how it works out. It will really make things easier for you when you accept this fact.

[Rawhide1234]

CMAC, thanks for all of your useful advice. It's good hearing a dose of reality, even though it's hard to accept sometimes. You seem to have a knack for getting to the heart of the matter.

It seems that we're at a standoff where we don't want to let the other totally go. And we both think the other one is at fault and that the other person should be the one to make the first move to reconcile. It seems like it's a power thing now. Like who's going to give in first.

I was prepared to start the "no contact" phase a few weeks ago, after I spent several days trying to get back together with her but being completely ignored by her. It was tough, but I decided that I was going to stick to no contact. I was doing well with it despite thinking about her all the time. And once I stopped groveling and being pathetic, I heard from her, after about a week of no contact. Since that call, we've had some sporadic texts and emails, and also met in person once, but I haven't even brought up the possibility of reuniting. In fact, I've been trying to do the opposite - show her that I'm doing just fine without her. I'm showing her a different side that she's never seen before, a side that is no longer eager and desperate to get back with her.

Last night she called me to respond to an unimportant email I sent her a few days ago. It was just a short, cordial conversation. We were both pleasant with each other, and we didn't go anywhere near talking about our relationship.

These phone calls from her are not helping me at all. I'm not sure if she's trying to keep the communication open because she misses me, wants possibly to get back together, is lonely, is just being polite, or a combination. But she's not offering anything on her end to clear up my confusion. It's like we're both just hanging on. Would you, or anyone else reading this, recommend that I tell her that we just need to stop communicating entirely? Should I ask her what her purpose is for continuing to pick up the phone and calling me? I think I need to have some form of finality, because this light contact we're having is not helping me move on or deal with this relationship loss.

Thanks for taking the time to help me.

[cmacattack1]

Your right, it's a power struggle. A pride thing. Nobody wants to cave, even though it's both on your minds. It feels like it's stupid to pretend, that's not genuine and we aren't being true to our feelings.


If this is really bothering you and getting in the way of your life, I think you owe it to yourself to just ask her the two simple questions "What is this all about?" and when she give the bullshits reply "What are you talking about?" (like she doesn't know) then you say "You want to be done with me but you are still talking to me?" That's all you really need to say on your part, no more. You just want an answer. There isn't a need to dive into your relationship and there doesn't need to be any long winded explanations from her. Just a simple answer. If you do get the BS, I would just end the conversation and tell her you need space. I know it's not an easy decision, but you have to think about you in this since there is no longer a relationship. And as far as you are concerned, nothing has changed and nothing she shows, no matter how sweet she is, proves it. In fact still talking to you after all this is just proving that she doesn't know what she wants.

Or you could just stop talking and see her all together and when she picks up on this, she can ask what's up with you and you can say the same thing I mentioned above. Either way, it comes to the same conclusion.

I wouldn't be too worried about the consequences of your actions because after all, remember that you do not need her to be happy. It's funny how this kind of indifference is attractive.