Guy needs advice...

[MattAnonymous]

Ok I've known a girl for some time and within the past year have gotten to know her fairly well. As I got to know her, I became attracted to her mainly due to her personality. I didn't realize how attracted to her I was until she went out with a guy and I became very depressed as a result. After a couple weeks her relationship with the guy faded and ended. At about this time I left for a family vacation to Alaska (which gave me a lot of time to think) and I decided I would ask her out to put an end to this feeling of hopelessness. So, the second day I was back, she was hanging out with friends of ours and before we left, I asked her. She mentioned that we were friends and I said I respected that, but wanted to know if I had a chance at all. She did agree to go out with me and I was on cloud nine. I talked to friends to find out more about her and I wanted to make the date perfect.

I bought a dozen roses (she had never been given roses before), bought her favorite cd to play in the car, and I took her out to dinner. Please tell me if you think this is too much for a first date. Everything went great, we talk quite a bit and I learned a lot more about her.

When I took her home I got out of the car to give her the flowers and the awkward silence came about where I either kiss her or say something. Out of respect for her and the fact that it was a first date I put an end to the silence with a hug. As I walked back to my car, I noticed that she hadn't gone inside yet. Then, I heard her say, "Matt, I don't know if Pat or Alex (friends of ours) have told you, but I'm not real good with relationships and I leave guys hanging". I told her that I respected that and that they had said that to me (as they had). She then preceded to say that, because I was a friend, that she didn't want to hurt me.

My friends also told me that she usually leaves a guy hanging when they start to like her more. I really don't want to say I'm really attracted to her because I fear I may blow it completely. However I truely feel that she is smart, friendly, funny, has a great personality, and on top of that, I believe she is incredibly beautiful. I wouldn't say she's hot as I usually describe good looking females because she has a different kind of beauty, one that is much more natural than those who are considered "hot".

My question is, what should I tell her? Should I put up with the feeling of depression I know I'll get whenever she goes out with someone else or should I tell her my true feelings. Just being around her feels like hearing your favorite song on the radio after you haven't heard it for a while (at least that's the only thing I can compare it to). What should I do? I'm supposed to see her within the next week and then school will begin. Thanks, Matt

[leight69]

Just being around her feels like hearing your favorite song on the radio after you haven't heard it for a while

Are you gonna be happy going on with your current situation? Sure you could blow it? But you won't get ahead in life if you aren't will to risk things.

[Hoss]

Ok If u do tell her your true feelings u may live a long happy life together or be rejected and devistated for a couple days. However if you don't and she finds someone else and lives a long happy life with him you'll be on a cliffhanger with the words repeating in your head why didn't I tell her? Even if u to get rejected you will most likely find someone else faster then hanging on to the thought of y I didn't do aomething. If it were me, I'd find a way to tell her how I felt. Sounds like your first date went really well I'd like to add, try to tell her within the next week since your going to see her again.

[shafkore]

Matt, listen up buddy.

This girl has issues: the fear of commitment.

Personally, I think when she revealed that to you, she was asking for help.

I think you should slow this boyfriend/girlfriend thing down, and try to talk to her about what she is afraid of.

Maybe she has a horrible experience with another boy who cheated on her ?
Maybe she was raped ?
Maybe maybe maybe.

This girl has some problems. Talk to her. Make a deep connection with her. Once she tells you her fears you will be closer then you ever were. When those fears are out in the open (between you two) things *should* be smooth sailing from there on. You most likely will not get the break-up before things start to get serious. Also, once things are revealed you can assess for yourself if she is truly for you.

[MattAnonymous]

Thanks shafkore! You've made more sense in this whole debacle than anyone I've talked to (including myself). I'm gonna give this a shot. It's a well made plan that allows for a closer friendship even at least and a much better chance of getting a shot at a relationship. Thanks, Matt.

[IceQueen]

IMHO yes, of course, you may go ahead and tell her. But.
1) She already KNOWS how you feel about her -- that's the whole reason she said it about leaving guys hanging;
2) She already said she does not feel about you the same way you feel about her. I thought that was loud and clear from what you wrote (when you genuinely like someone, you don't say shit that basically amounts to "Don't try to date me!", like she did. No, really.), but apparently hope dies last.

Looks like her mind is already made up, and she has tried to let you down gently. Now you have two choices:
1) Use guilt and manipulation to get her to go out with you;
2) Tell her about your feelings outright, and either she will go out with you out of pity (feelings do not change, even if she has a longterm relationship with you, it'll be for reasons other than her undying love for you), or she will reject you outright.

If you go ahead and try to "help" her, chances are, she'll start distancing herself from you. And since she is apparently too gentle at letting guys down, you will be put into the category of "friends", and be really hurt when she finds a boy she really *does* like. (In which case we will read another one of those "I dedicated my life to her, why is she with another guy" threads.)

If a girl does not want to be with you, it does not mean she has issues. She simply does not want to be with YOU, whether you try to "save" her or not.

[MattAnonymous]

Recently, she needed a date for prom b/c she was on the committee and wanted to go. She ended up going with one of her friend's brother. After prom she talked about how she didn't like him all that much even though he seemed to like her. About a week later they were going out. Two weeks later she stopped most communication with him and passively ended the relationship. This is what confuses me. I would have expected her to say "let's be friends", but she, instead, gave something personal about herself as the reason. Also, when I asked her out she did say that I had a chance and because I asked her in such a blunt way, she told me I was brave and that she liked brave guys. Honestly I think I'm beating a dead horse, but don't want to face it. Anyway, with this new info, does anything change? Also, she has to do some volunteer work for school that she needs help with and I think I may offer to help. Even if I go in as a friend helping her, is it a good idea? I just don't want to lose the sliver of friendship reguardless of whether or not there's a chance for a relationship. Also, I want to do something with her just as a friend so I can get a conversation started, but I can't think of a good place to go to do this. Thanks, Matt.

[shafkore]

Matt, I don't believe you should flush your feelings for this girl down the drain to spare yourself the feeling of rejection/let-down. Life is all about experiences, and with those experiences come some pain. Sometimes LOTS of pain. You're guaranteed to fall down in life. You're gonna get yourself scraped up real good sometimes. But, you just get right back up. Tend to those wounds, and move on.

I say, take the risk of being hurt, because this girl may be the one who is going to have your children some day.

If she sees you giving up (after her giving you the 'scoop' on how she acts) she is going to believe that you were OBVIOUSLY not the one. Instead, show her that you don't care about her 'bads' and you will love her no matter what she is/becomes. Because in essence, that is what every person wants (male or female): to be loved under any circumstance.

Love this girl Matt. Don't be afraid to. Show her your love. Open your heart to her. Show her you care and are WILLING to help her with her problems. When she sees this passion and love that you have, things will fall into place. If they don't, then my friend, you will have scrapes and bruises. But you get right back up...


We're all here for you my brother,

[shafkore]

I was writing the above msg when you sent your one previous to it.

From what you have told me in that letter, I still truly believe that she is screaming for help. I think what she needs is someone BRAVE to bring her through this... to show her the light at the end of the tunnel... to guide her through the dark till she sees the end to it.

Matt, you have to ask yourself one question:

Do I love this girl enough to deal with all of this ? Do I love her enough to want to truly help her through this ?

Maybe your love for this girl is not strong enough to bring you through it. Find out now Matt. Look deep down and try to measure something that is immeasurable. The worst thing you could do is START to help her then realize half-way through, "this girl is a BASKET-CASE," and then dump her.

ALL or NONE. It's time for you to THINK (and feel), and then choose. Just remember, you have to live with the implications for the rest of your life. Do you want to go through your whole life wondering about this girl and the "What if I..." ?

[MattAnonymous]

I had never met nor seen the guy that I mentioned she recently went out with until last night when I saw a pic of him and realized that I was definately better looking than him. (Sure this sounds a little odd, but I figured that's why this girl went out with him in the first place). Now I have a lot more self confidence!! I plan on telling her about how it was thoughtless of me to do so much all at once especially on the first date when I knew that she had this fear of commitment and that I just wanted everything to go well and that she deserves all of that but maybe in moderation. To deal with the part of asking her whether or not I have a chance now that she knows that I want to go slow I have devised a plan. Due to the fact that she's too nice for her own good and won't come right out and say what she thinks, I will say that if there's a chance we can discuss that, but if there is no chance then to change the subject to something like her volunteer work at the school. I need opinions, but this seems ok to this newbie. Thanks, Matt.

[MattAnonymous]

Just for reference I saw this girl at a party the other night and tried talking to her. There was alcohol at this party and she's a freakin' lightweight so a couple of sips and she was drunk. When I finally decided to talk to her, she didn't want to talk alone and so I tried to tell her that I figured out that it was a little much for the first date. Once I said that she said that it wasn't something I did wrong and she got up and left and wouldn't talk to me. She went inside and sat on the couch next to the guy she previously went out with and was more or less all over him. That was an unpleasant sight. I, by that time, was toast (drunk) and was going to just head on home (driving). Instead I sat out in my car for about ten minutes before my friend came out and talked to me. Then the girl came out and talked to me and didn't want me driving home. When I finally did leave, I was feeling a little better. When I got home I called her and said I got home ok (as if she cared) and asked if she had a ride home (as if I cared) and then just thanked her for being so straight forward about me no longer having a chance. The next day I was a brand new person, I didn't think about her at all any more in the possible girlfriend sense. After I got off of work I headed over to a party that her and my friends were at for their summer job. My friend said that they thought I was following her (I think that's a little selfish to think when we do share the same friends). Anyway I didn't talk to her at all and had a great time. I'm completely over her now and I laugh at how into her I was just days ago. The funny thing is that I applied for a job at this place so that I could work with friends of mine and got it. However, my friends did not get it, but she did so it'll be interesting to see how this will turn out considering the fact that she has no idea that I got the job. I basically plan on saying something along the lines of "Hey I'm not following you it's just that we happen to have some of the same friends. And it would probably be best just to go back to the way things were before the summer started. I don't think that's too much to ask considering I hardly said a word to you then." PS I'm starting to feel bad for this guy she was all over at the party because she's playing him like a freakin' yo-yo.

[des21]

I think she is calling out for help. But you should want to avoid being someone's "saviour" at such a young age. Be there for her but you may want to give yourself some distance. She's not as ready as you are to get into a serious relationship. And I think by being "friends" you might get misled.

[ineedsomespace]

OK, I'm getting into this discussion fairly late, but after reading all of the above it reminded me of a similar situation I was in once.

My first girlfriend acted in much the same way when we first met. I made my feelings clear after I had known her for a while as a friend. She didn't want to get into anything serious, and she initially turned me down, but wanted to stay friends.

I was miserable for a while, but I backed off, but stayed friends. After a while her feelings changed, we got together and I was never happier.

I think you're right to be worried about coming on too strong - perhaps just be her friend, possibly play "hard to get" for a while? If she's at all interested now, her feelings may grow.

Obviously there's no right or wrong answer here. I was very happy for a while and then blew it by leaving the country. Idiot. I'm happy again though... If you don't want to waste your life chasing one girl, perhaps you should just play your hand and see what happens. What's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen? One of these outcomes could be yours...