need advice... plz help =0(

[happee]

i've been with this girl for about a month now, but i kinda have a dilemma on my hands...

before we got together, she was with her ex, who she was with off and on for about 2 years. he cheated on her/lied to her many times, but she still kept going back to him, tho they havent had an actual relationship in a long while....

anyways, i met her, and after a while, we got together (she's 20, im 22). i knew she still talked to her ex on a daily basis, and when we werent together it didnt really bug me so much. but now that we are together, its kinda driving me nuts, but thats beside the point.

anyways, she told me that she promised she was going to help her ex with something (she told me what it was, but for brevity's sake, ill leave it absent here), and that it would mean she'd have to stay over at his place for 3 days next week. i told her that its her choice, and i can't tell her to do anything, but that i would feel very uncomfortable and worried if she did... i trust her a lot, so i kno she wouldnt do anything... its just, i dont like the thought of the person im with sleeping over at another guy's place, and it concerns me

so, i told her how i felt about this whole thing, and i asked her if she was for sure going to do it, and she said she probably would. my concern at this point isnt that she'd cheat on me with him (far from it), rather, its that 1) she knows id be hurt if she did do it, and 2) it kinda tells me that she isnt as considerate of my feelings as i thought, and 3) i dont want that to be the boundary of our relationship - i.e. that she can sleep at other guys' places and id be ok with it.

anyways, i really like her - a lot, and she's a great person... but i dont know what to do if she does decide to sleep over at her ex's place for 3 days, because i want to be the understanding bf who realizes there are some things unresolved between them (they promised to be each other's best friends), but i also dont want to get stepped on or compromise my value system, because i dont want her to think im condoning her actions.

i dont want to give her an ultimatum and say "if you stay with him, im going to break-up with you", but i want her to understand that if she does do it, i would have to do some serious re-evaluation of my level of committment in this relationship, and whether or not she truly does care for me as much as i care for her....

please, any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

[leight69]

You're insecure about your relationship...and for obvious reasons. A few thoughts on this;

a) you are insecure about the relationship, and that will hang over you for your entire time together if you do not get over your insecurities.

b) it sounds like you have good reason to be insecure, if that is the case should you listen to these reasons?

c) how attached are you willing to get with these insecurities in your mind?


Personally distance yourself, a bit, and see how things play out, as you are quite possibly a rebound and that's no fun being in that position especially if you really like the person. You,ll end up being resentful more then anything else.

Tell her that you're feeling insecure and exactly why, and that you aren't going to be possesive of her, that she is in control of all of her desicions, but I say level with her in terms of your feelings, that you think you guys should "slowing down" the relationship, untill these feelings pass. And if they don't i imagine you will have to reevaluate the situation.

Also, although I don't advocate ultimatumes, it is also good, that your partner knows that if they are behaving in a certain manner that you won't stay with them if they continue with that behaviour.

Just my thoughts on the matter....