Done...But It's Ok

[achilles9]

So I just want to post this here to kind of put things to a bit of an end and also get some ideas from people. Been going out with a girl for about a year and a half. Great girl. She's got a great personality, great looking, no mindless drama or anything, really caring, pretty much everything you would want in a girl. We had been doing the long-distance thing for the last six months with at least another 2-3 years of it to go. And in the last month or two, things had really gotten tough between us. Just the distance and not being able to see each other was really wearing on me, and I was pretty frustrated with the whole thing, which in turn was making little problems into bigger ones. And we never really talked about it because I think both of us were afraid of hurting the other person.

Things kept building like that until yesterday, when finally I asked if something was bothering her. She said there was, but she didn't want to talk about it really. So I called her to see what was going on. And so we finally started to talk things out. She told me she was having a lot of trouble with the distance, I said I was too. I told her I was going to be honest, and that I really hated the whole long-distance thing, but still loved her and wanted to keep things open between us for after. And she agreed and said the same thing.

We talked for about an hour or so, just about all of the stuff we had done, and both of us kept mentioning that for the first time in a couple months, we finally felt free and relaxed. We're going to see each other next weekend, just because it's been awhile and everything, but we know that we're not going to be together in the near future. In the end, the distance just made too much pressure and I think that our personalities weren't really suited for it since we're not naturally people who are all lovey-dovey.

I don't know what's going to happen with it to be honest. I love her, but I know that this is the right thing to do for both of us. I hope things work out between us, but if not, I know I'll be ok. It's tough knowing that someone who I spent so much time with is going to be away from me now, but we both know that we love each other and that it's only because of the situation that this is happening. I woke up this morning, and it's certainly a little tough to handle, but things will be alright. So I just wanted to put this here to get some input and hear what people have to say.

[cmacattack1]

Stronger then me and stronger than most people to be able to let things go. Instead of letting it build to a breaking point, lots of ugliness and lots of hurt feelings, you handled it maturely like an adult. Well done.

I can't help but think that there is a greater chance of starting a new relationship in the future for you guys than almost any other person on this forum with their ex.

[kai]

I agree with the above post. You guys should talk about it and instead of making break up nasty with cheating etc. do it now on good terms. Who knows you both migh end up getting together?

[achilles9]

Well it's definitely not going to be easy, but I'm going to do this. This is the right thing to do for both of us. This is one of the hardest things I've done, just because it's so hard to walk away when both of us love each other so much. But I know that it's the right thing. The last few months have just been so emotionally draining and I can't see going through that for another 2-3 years.

It's funny though, the last time I felt like this was a few days before I met her actually. I had just broken up with a girl who I had been dating for the summer because we were going to be 3,000 miles apart and hadn't been going out long enough to even consider an LDR, not to mention that distance was just too much. I remember I went out for a couple nights trying to find some new girl and got shut down a few times and was pretty bummed about it. I told myself to just go out and have a good time and enjoy what happens and not worry about any outcomes. And I met this amazing girl who I've been with until now.

I know it's not going to work the exact same. This is going to be hard to get through. The hardest part for me now is knowing that we have all of these awesome memories but that there might not be any more and we'll never get to see where things could have ended up. But this is what has to be done. It's times like this I wish I was religious so that I had something to really fall back on and help me. But I know I'll be ok. I love her, but I have to let her go. This is probably going to turn into a place for me to just jot down some ideas and things. We'll see how it goes.

[cmacattack1]

Nobody said it would be easy. Making the right decision and sticking to it and not giving into lonliness, neediness, etc. is true strength and something that everybody wants in their signifigant other. It seems like you genuinely care and it isn't something you want to do but recognize it as something that needs to be done so and if she knows this she will understand. You truly love her and want her to be happy and that is both respectable and commendable.

It'll be tough but there are tons of things to do to keep your mind off of it and pull you out of the emotional rut.

[achilles9]

So she texted me a couple days ago right after all this, so I waited a few days then sent her some stuff tonight. Nothing heavy, just talking for a bit and then backed off. I have a strange feeling that she's going to try to bail on this weekend, but there's nothing I can really do since bringing it up and forcing it is just not going to do anything productive. I think if that's the path she takes, I'm going to take a few weeks before I talk to her again, just because it would bother me a bit that she didn't have the guts to see me in person to end things. Lot of ups and downs the last few days, but I know things will be ok in the end.

[achilles9]

So this should hopefully wrap this up for a bit. She came to visit this weekend actually. It went about as well as you could expect it to, given that we broke up and everything. Was definitely a little awkward at the beginning, but things went pretty well after that. We hung out, had a good time, but there was definitely some tension there and it was a bit different, which is to be expected. She left this morning, I told her to text me when she got where she was going, and she did, telling me that it was great to see me and to keep in touch.

All in all, I think it was a fairly successful weekend. I didn't want to try to bring her back in or anything like that, but I just wanted things to end on as good of a note as possible and to keep possibilities open for the future. I'm not going to be together with her at any point in the next couple years. I may find someone else who I really like in the meantime. But this ended well. I'm sure that it's going to be tough to fall asleep tonight not knowing when/if I'll actually see her again. But I've done everything I could at this point. Now I need to give her some space for a while so that we can both clear our heads and figure out what we actually want.

I think we're both onboard with just seeing where everything goes and keeping communication open since we know we work well when we're together. I know I can't wait around for this girl, and I know she's not going to wait around for me. It sure would be amazing if things actually worked out, but I need to think of her as just a friend at this point as opposed to any type of option for the future. If we stay on good terms and there's still something there later on, we can revisit it. But for now, I need to move on.

[achilles9]

So it's been a few weeks since I've seen her now. It's been up and down, which is to be expected. We've talked on and off during it, sometimes every day, sometimes a few days between. And it is always good to hear from her. I know neither of us really wanted this to happen. I do miss being able to just text her random stuff during the day or call her when I get home, but I've avoided doing that for the most part. She's contacted me a couple times, I've contacted her a couple times. All of it has just been about normal stuff, nothing serious or about us at all, which is a good thing. I definitely wish I could talk to her more, but I know that's not the right thing to do.

The big thing that I know, just from thinking about myself over the last couple years, is that I don't need her to be happy. I'm sure she's hooked up with someone since we split up, I've hooked up with one girl but I'm not a huge fan of her, so I'm probably going to end things with her pretty soon since I don't want to drag that out into something bad. The tough thing is that it would be nice to have someone there, since obviously I want to be able to talk to someone like I used to talk to the ex, but I know that this one isn't right.

I think I'm definitely learning a lot about myself and about how I acted through all of this. The funny thing about all of this was that my life story would be completely unbelievable if it were ever made into a movie. I had not even kissed a girl until I was 18. It wasn't that I was some kind of freak or anything, I just didn't understand girls. But once I got to college, it was completely different. Something just clicked. And so I went through a pretty good number of girls there. It wasn't like I was just looking for sex, but I wanted to find one that I really liked. So some lasted for a couple weeks, some for a couple months, but I never really found anything. And I was fine with that. I didn't need a girl to be happy, and I was starting to doubt I would find one I really liked. But I was fine with that. I liked my life.

Then I found this one. And to be honest, for the first 4-5 months, I had serious doubts about whether it was what I wanted. But somewhere in there, I realized she was what I was looking for. I was happy with her. I was a better person with her. And I loved her. So when this ended, it was tough for me. And it's weird, because I've gone through a lot of girls. I'm used to moving on. But this one is tough to let go of.

I know the odds of us ever getting back together are slim, even though it ended well and the only reason it really did was because of distance. Realistically, both of us will move on. And I don't regret a single second I spent with her. I had an absolutely unbelievable time during all of it. She was everything I wanted. She was everything I didn't know I wanted. It caught me completely by surprise.

I know she isn't the key to my happiness. I can have that without her. Obviously, it gets tough sometimes because I want to go running back to her and make this feel alright. But I'm not going to do that. I'm going to go on with my life here, and she'll go on with hers there. Maybe we'll meet up again, maybe we won't. But I'll be ok. We'll just have to see where this all goes.

[cmacattack1]

When I met my ex, I even told her right from the get-go that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. She stuck it out because she liked me and I changed my mind to make her my girlfriend. By month one, she said she was in love with me and wanted to marry me and everything and I said I love you back but was really unsure. By month three I already goofed up a couple times, things she stuck out, but then distance kicked in. I didn't even get to that 4-5 month period I think I needed to realize she was the one, because by then she was lonely and desparate and kept projecting her feelings on to me. By the time I realized she would be one I was happy with, she already dumped me and had a new guy. I think it's a mature thing to do to wait and not give into that initial infatuation like so many girls do with the "I love you, marry you" right out the gate, I just handled it poorly, acted dishonestly and immaturely, and was even emotionally abusive by just shutting down when she was crying on the phone all the time. You, on the other hand, sound like a great guy with a good head on your shoulders. I'm envious.

I'm glad to hear you are doing so well, learned so much, and most importantly ended mutually on good terms (and not messy like so many others). You will hit those highs and lows no matter how well it ended but you sound like you are very well ahead the maturity level of guys your age (early-mid 20's?). And you don't know what the future holds, I think you have a better chance of starting a relationship with her in the future than most of us. There's something to be confident about.

Most importantly, you realized that important lesson that you do not need her to be happy and you can have it without her. It took my friends and people on this forum to really hammer that into my head when I was emotional and desparate.