How to decide when heart is silent...

[Royyy]

Last July after couple of days of intense messaging with my old friend from college (married with two children, boys, 5 and 8 years old) I found out that:
- she is very unhappy in her marriage, not only that sparks are long gone – she doesn't love him at all, she would be happy if he could find someone else and leave her alone, if it wasn't for the kids she would already left him..
- for some time (last two years) she thinks about me, fantasize about me..
I told her that I also wasn't happy.

She was my college love 15 years ago. I fell for her at first sight, I was crazy about her. Then, I misunderstood the signs and told her how I felt. She told me that it couldn't be because she is in love with the guy which several years later became her current husband. I was desperate, I wanted to be with her so much but, being young, foolish and scared of further rejections I thought that I cannot do anything about it, there seemed to be nothing but friendship from her side, no chemistry or attraction of any kind and after a while I given up. After she married him they moved and I didn't saw her for couple of years and after that maybe one or two times each following year, always being in larger company with other friends. I thought she was happy (which was true in first years of their marriage) and I was peaceful although I always felt little awkward around her.
When she shared her feelings everything came back, I was again in love, crazier than ever, like never, never before. She told me that she loves me but that she cannot promise me anything.

In next year I was in heaven and hell. We saw each other at every opportunity taking a lot of risks of being caught. When we were together we couldn't be happier. When we were apart I was desperate and she was sad, without motivation.... She wanted to be with me but she couldn’t find enough strength to change her life, to talk with her husband openly. She told him she wasn't happy couple of times but when he asked her what does she wants she couldn't say. I must admit she is rather weak person, always avoids open confrontation, and cares too much what other people think, what her parents and everybody else would think of her if she got divorced. Most of all she thought it would be bad for kids. Now about him. She is not such a bad person but she never respected her, he was taking her, marriage, and everything for granted. He wasn't a beater but he often yelled at her, insulted her, and was unhappy if she wasn't pleasing him. He loved kids but he would rather discipline them that talked or played with them. He never motivated them, always telling them what they should have done and almost never telling them how good and smart they are. They were afraid of him. I was convinced that it would be better for kids if they divorced.
With everything she said to me, the way she behaved with me I was convinced that their marriage has no hope at all. I tried in many ways to explain her that she must do something but to no avail. She was hoping that one day he would have enough of her and that he would let her go (or sent her). She also hoped that he could find someone else. But he is very much a family person – family is everything to him – he has no hobbies, he never goes anywhere, he is not interested in anything else but how to save some more money for his family. I think this is exactly the reason that destroyed their marriage – he was so preoccupied with family as a whole that he forgot to pay attention to its vital parts: his kids and his wife.
I had so little hope all this time but I endured. My work suffered, I was degraded, I wasn't sleeping well, and I ate very little and cried a lot. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, for eternity. I knew we could be happy, we have similar interests and we understand each other, we were friends as much as lovers. They were never friends. I wrote many poems for her which I never did before. They probably aren't good but she liked them a lot. She was love of my life, I would do anything for her, I would die for her in a second. I knew she wasn't perfect and that she has many flaws but she was perfect for me. I wanted that we have one more baby when we get together. I wanted to grow old with her.
And then, one morning, he came back for something he forgot and he caught us. It wasn't so bad, we were just talking at that moment, we were dressed, but I was in their apartment ten minutes after he was gone. He yelled and screamed and he wanted to know what was going on here. She said that nothing is happening but she admitted that she loves me and told him to let her go. There were a lot of yelling and screaming and crying but basically, he could not let her go, not with kids. Of course she wasn't ready to battle with him in court for the kids. She was afraid what he could tell the kids and how could that affect them. Anyhow I thought that was it, and that they can't go back anymore. She didn't leave him immediately because he was a rack and she couldn't leave him like that. She agreed to stay with him for a while so he can prepare himself and come to peace with a fact that he had lost her.
He was changed. He became thoughtful, considerate, calm, understanding. He admitted that all these years he treated her badly, he understood and forgave her everything but he thought that they still have a chance. He started to spend all of his time playing and talking with kids (instead of sitting in front of TV), really talking, for the first time. I suspected but in the end I had to admit it was genuine. It seemed he really comprehended everything and was trying with all his might to be a better person. And he was. She said that now he is everything she ever wanted, now he has all that she needs but it is too late – it don't mean much to her anymore. She wasn't nervous and tense near him as before but she was even more sad than before. Following month it was horrible for all of us. He even wanted to spoke with me, he tried to resolve something, to understand what he could do, what he should do. Than, one night at 2am he called to say that she decided to come to me and he is letting her go, with kids. They agreed about visitation, and other things. Next day she told me that we should buy stuff for kids in my apartment and that they all will come in 3 days. I cannot tell how I felt that day. I waited for this so long with so little hope and now it is happening. That evening he again called me to say that I must take the best care of her, that everything must be perfect. I promised. She heard everything, of course.
At 4am that night she sent me some messages. He was sleeping, peacefully, for the first time this month and she sat beside him on the floor, long, looking at him. She said to me that she thinks she could love him again and that she must stay with him. She came to my apartment and we talked for hours and then she left...
What can I tell? All that stuff about broken heart, wanting to die, you know already.. I crumbled, I went numb.. The one thing that kept mi going, that she cannot love him anymore and give him anything, and that it had to end one day (who knows how long I would hade waited if he hadn't caught us) became false. She COULD love him, she again felt something for him after two years. He became good to her and the kids, she had no reason to leave him. There was no hope anymore. I felt dead inside. Everything was gone, love too..

After a while I started to spend more and more time with my friends, met many other people and I became close with one girl. She broke up with her boyfriend after long relationship and she said she wasn't ready for another one. Anyhow, we had good time together, talking and laughing and we started dating. Very soon I saw that she is crazy about me and that I wasn't at all so much crazy about her. She is a wonderful girl, beautiful, smart, funny, passionate, good, hardworking, has many friends and many interests. I have great time with her, I feel good around her but something is missing, I'm still dead inside. I cannot fill my heart like before, I cannot feel anything except guilt and fear that in the end I will hurt her. And she doesn't deserve that. I shared that with her and she said that I need time and that maybe I still didn't moved on. I didn't.
My love, which killed my heart contacted me again. She said she tried to be with him, completely, with all her heart but that she couldn't, she can't give him what he needs. She is sad, depressed, only wants to sleep. He is very unhappy but still good to her and the kids.
Again, she thinks of me a lot but she is still undecided, tired of everything and uncertain. She thinks very bad about herself and tells me that she is not sure if she has anything to give me anymore. I know she still loves me, I never doubted that but I'm not sure if she loves me enough, and I'm not sure if I love her anymore..
I tried to explain her in what bad shape I am, that I would need her to be sure like never before, if she really wants to be with me, forever..
I feel now that their divorce could be inevitable in some time and when that happens I know she will be looking for me. What will I do? My heart doesn't give me any clues. Do I still love her but I suppressed my feelings so deep inside that I couldn’t reach them now because I fear that she could change her mind again? Or is that love really gone now?
I got myself and others in such a mess. My new girlfriend already cares too much for me, I see it in her eyes, and I want to cry when he looks into my eyes with that smile. I don't want to hurt her, but maybe it's too late.
What questions should I ask myself? How to escape from that emotional hole? How to decide if my heart doesn't tell me what to do?

[squirrley]

Sounds like you've been through hell. And more of that then happiness. The love of your life has been undecided for such a long time and putting you through a surmountable amount of pain. INHO, you should let her go. It sounds like she's a nice person, and has tried to do the right thing for her family, rightly so. But who has gotten hurt EVERY time? Even IF she does leave him, and comes looking for you, do you think youre relationship with her will ever really be healthy? I feel bad for the current girlfriend, you obviously havent gotten over the pain from this yet, and its unfair to her. I think its great you have been honest with her from the start in how you feel. But you have to try and move on from the past, let that go, and start to heal yourself. Even in your current situation, how are you going to grow with her, if youre still clinging to the past? The past is the past, and the best thing you can do is let that go, let her go. Even if she does come to you, she will have years of emotions tied up with her husband or x, and he will ALWAYS be in the picture because of the children. There are just too many negatives in that scenario. Your heart is hurting because it is unfullfilled. But only you can fill it. You have to find ways to make yourself happy first.

All I can suggest, is that given time, you will find a way to let go of your past, maybe not forget, but live for the future for yourself, and thank God for the time you did share with her. People come into our lives for a reason. She opened your heart to a great love, but a beginning to be able to have a greater love down the road. Dont be sad it's over, be glad it happened.

Look to a bright future, with someone who truly appreciates you, and most of all, look to yourself!

[nomas]

What I'm seeing, Royy, is someone who has invested so much, SO MUCH, time, energy, emotions, just a lot of yourself into this woman and it's hard to let that go. It's hard to ever just be done with it because you've lived with it for so long that you're attached to it, it's like a major part of you, hence you cannot let it go.

I say this is just a state of mind. Powerful, yes, but a state of mind in the end and you have control over it if you bring it into the concious and convince yourself that you are master over your state of mind. For me, it's like after having lived my whole life into a quarter century of a certain religious faith, then all of a sudden being presented with arguments challenging what I had blindly believed for so long, I was reluctant, but in the end logic triumphed and I became a skeptic. I simply decided not to take anything for granted just because "that's the way we've always done thing" and without good reason. The decision was made over a thinking session and I know it sounds like I'm asking you to do something as simple as decide to cut off this girl from your feelings like a light switch, and it doesn't happen that way. I know. But the DECISION IS the light switch. Then the light (emotions) will fade out. Does that make sense?

We've seen too many movies, Royyy, and we all like to be martyrs. There's a certain romantic element in being blue over romance because it's at least an emotion attached to romanticism, albeit a negative one...and we humans like emotions. It's a deep fullfillment..not at all shallow. Maybe this is why love will never die as a topic of conversation, or of forums, or of talk shows, dramas, movies, TV shows..there's always the romance...the guy and the girl hooking up in 90% of the movies...maybe later the gay population will be more represented...but this is just an example.

So I think that is the decision you have to make in order to kill it..if you want. Yeah, it's a lot to get rid of, a BIG part of your life (baggage), but this past is preventing you from fully living your present and future.

That's my take, Royy, but that's just based on what I read into what your wrote. Obvisouly I have no way of knowing what you've gone through, only a small glimpse in what you wrote.

Freddie

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for all the pain you have suffered. You have loved her for so long. You have been hurt, happy, hurt, happy, and hurt. You have tried to be with someone else, but your heart and soul wasn't in it even if your mind was. Must be very hard on you.

All I can say is if and when the time comes she does get divorced, you have to listen to your heart. If she is your soulmate, someone you've wanted all your life and desired then go for it! It is sad that someone will be hurt. But dig deep and be honest with yourself. Could you see yourself with your current girlfriend once this other woman is free? Please don't be with someone for the sake of not hurting them, yes it will hurt her, but better sooner than further down the road.

Best of luck to you and I do hope it works out!!

[lovesacrifices]

u're lucky to have ur gf..pls dont be stupid enough to let go of her..
past is what u consider lesson/s to be learned..dont fall for another mistake.. remmber ur collge gf??..she's not worth neither ur time nor ur love.. if she really loves u then she shud have chosen u back when both of u were in college.. plus the fact that she has children of her own.. what im trying to say is..DONT FALL FOR ANOTHER MISTAKE.. u cud be the luckiest guy here on earth..if u and ur current gf will be staying together, in love..

[lovesacrifices]

u're lucky to have ur gf..pls dont be stupid enough to let go of her..
past is what u consider lesson/s to be learned..dont fall for another mistake.. remmber ur collge gf??..she's not worth neither ur time nor ur love.. if she really loves u then she shud have chosen u back when both of u were in college.. plus the fact that she has children of her own.. what im trying to say is..DONT FALL FOR ANOTHER MISTAKE.. u cud be the luckiest guy here on earth..if u and ur current gf will be staying together, in love..