She Makes it Worse by Being Nice

[sookie6]

shheadz,

lahnnabell gave you great advice on this post and I think it is mainly because as a woman she can spot the twisted behaviour in another woman with more acuity.
Your leaving soon is a blessing.
In a meantime you aer going to have to keep as much control as you can in this 'relationship'.
What tricks you in seems to be the moments she is nice to you. You have done the work on yourself, enough to identify that your need for being liked is the root of your problem.
Yes at times she is acting nice to you but there is a big difference between being nice and being kind. What she is doing to you is no kindness.

I met a guy on a blind date once. He was the most unattractive and sweaty guy I had ever met. But he was a very good person despite of his looks. I made it clear to him very politely at the end of the date that I was not attracted. He tried a few times to contact me after the date. I never answered his emails.
I felt very unkind and shallow at the time. But it would have been worse to give him hope.

This girl is either immature or as lahnnabell is saying she is a right bitch. She has kept unhealthy habits from her failed past relationships and she knows that these habits get her by with men. If you add to this that she is probably a very attractive girl she has the power!!!

I liked the fact that you are so open with your feelings on this forum. It is a great lesson to all of us to see that you are going though this sort of shit too.

Interesting this thing about CD. I believe that if you broke the cycle once you could fix this wrong pattern you are in. She could be your first success story of 'I don't care if she hates me'...what freedom would this give you? Can you imagine?

Ah..another question. This CD, have you identified it only with women or is it a general thing?

[shheadz]

Thanks sookie for your thoughtful post. Here's the thing.. Her and I are almost exactly a like. Meeting her was like meeting the female version of myself. In a lot of ways that's why we'd never work out. We didn't compliment each other. I wasn't strong where she was weak, and vice a versa. There was no ying and yang. There's nothing I could say about her in these forums that I couldn't also say about myself. Is she selfish and spoiled? Yes, but so am I. Does she use people for attention? Yes, but so do I. I could go on, but you get the point.

She really doesn't know what she's doing. She really is a sweet girl that just wants people to like her, and as a result a lot of folks we know walk all over her. She is really beautiful.. down right sexy.. A lot of guys have treated her like a slut because she just wants them to like her, but all they see are tits and ass. She gets taken advantage of. So do I. A lot of women have slept with me, but they don't want to get to know me. I'm tired of being that guy.

That's what makes it so hard to be mad at her. It's like getting mad at a child for doing something they can't control. Maybe I'm still making excuses for her. Maybe she's just a typical hot bitch. But I don't think so. I feel sorry for her. I feel bad for shitting on her because she's inadvertently shitting on me.

As for my own CD issues.. No, it's not just with women.

[sookie6]

Oh it is just with women...and sexy women apparently...

I would say most men share your problem then

Sorry to be harsh but I think it would be easier for you to be mad at her if she was a bit fuglier...

More to the point...I agree when you say the relationship would work better if you were not so alike...

Where would you say that this CD stem from? Is this from childhood?

I get the feeling that even if you leave you will find yourself in the same situation again with a similar girl. You need to adress this issue seriously. Mind you, we all have issues right?

Maybe you could try going out with plain looking girls? (my brother laughs at me when I suggest this to him !).

More seriously, avoid rollercoaster relationships at all costs...they break you down.

What more can I say...I am sending you a big hug.

Courage!!!!!

[shheadz]

Sorry to be harsh but I think it would be easier for you to be mad at her if she was a bit fuglier...

I'm sure you're right. I have to try extra hard to avoid looking at her body while we're at work. She's a strange bird. She has low self-esteem and body issues, and at the same time she's acutely aware of the power her body has over me. The last time we hung out -- before I started saying no -- she didn't hesitate to stand up, pull her pants down, and show me the new panties she got at Victoria's Secret. lol.. see what I'm dealing with here, and why my head is so warped?

Maybe you could try going out with plain looking girls? (my brother laughs at me when I suggest this to him !).

I actually prefer "homely" looking girls. Girls that are more cute than sexy.

[lahnnabell]

Yes. She knows what she's doing. She's had plenty of practice pretending that she doesn't know what she's doing. These types of women piss me off.

Trust me, I only know because I've been in their shoes myself. I only reveal my panties to a guy I want to get a reaction from. She's not that clueless.

[shheadz]

Grrr.. I really hate women right now. haha

[sookie6]

Shheadz you should find comfort in the fact that you have been thanked 120 times in 102 post (which does not add up somehow) on this forum since November.

It is an excellent score!

Who cares about panties!

[shheadz]

Shheadz you should find comfort in the fact that you have been thanked 120 times in 102 post (which does not add up somehow) on this forum since November.

It is an excellent score!

Who cares about panties!

hehe.. yeah. They -- whoever they are -- say the best way to cheer yourself up is by trying to cheer someone else up. Plus depression is starting to set in pretty hard. I haven't felt the least bit depressed about anything in 8 years, so I'm really freaking out a bit, and trying to do anything to keep my mind busy. Talking to and helping people here is helping a little.

[sookie6]

please do not be depressed

You have got a lot going on for you.

You are young, intelligent, articulate, good looking and caring.

Everybody I am sure you agree!

It is a beautiful cocktail that will get you a long way.

When I feel sad I go on Youtube and always find something to cheer me up.

I know it is very little but it makes me smile.

Actually I might start a thread on this very same subject tomorrow 'what to do when you start feeling depressed'.

[shheadz]

Thanks lahnnabell and sookie for continuing to visit this thread, and for helping. Accepting any kind of help from anyone makes me really uncomfortable, so you don't have to continue responding. I just need a place to rant, and I'm not going to create a new thread each time.

There's really nothing I can do about the depression right now. I can be completely engrossed in my work, with her being the furthest thing from my mind, but I can still feel it in my chest and my stomach. It's like getting over a physical addition.

I'm really pissed that she was able to do this to me. I watched good friends die in front of me in Iraq, and I didn't feel half as bad as I do over some tart that broke my heart. lahnnabell is right. She's a man eater. She's good at what she does. She got me completely wrapped up in her emotionally and physically to feed her own feelings of self worth. I really can't even blame her. I did the same stuff when I was her age. I was very good at getting a girl to fall head of heels for me, and then I was done with them. I guess this is bad karma coming back to me.

[cmacattack1]

I would have to say I deserve the same thing. Each girlfriend I've had up to this point has always been a girl that was way more interested in me than I was with them and would be head over heels for me and that's when I would kind of become lazy and not give the effort necessary for a relationship. This last one of course took a couple months of my bullshit but came hammering back at me with the wrath of God and now I'm the one that was begging and sorry. I always thought that I would never be hurt if I never let them in and I let alot of potential future wifeys pass me by. Something about being young and selfish and them saying "I love you I want to marry you" to feed the ego. I had this coming for a while but I wouldn't say you deserve it. You were finally ready to make things right and pursue a decent relationship.

[shheadz]

Things are kind of coming to a head at work. We're fighting now over text messages while we work together. lol I really can't look at her, or talk to her, and she definitely noticed, and asked me why. I was in a pissed off mood, and kind of let her have it. Now she's super pissed off at me. Oh well. I don't feel bad.

I still need to spend some time working on myself. I thought about it some last night, and I realized I really wasn't that attracted to her before we started dating. I really didn't even notice she existed. It was only after she started dropping hints that she was interested in me, that I became interested in her. I'm not sure what that says about me.

[lahnnabell]

Having someone interested in us always piques our own interest. We're like, "Oh, she's noticing me, now I'm noticing her!" And we all like receiving attention from the opposite sex. Some attractions are more superficial than others and sometimes it takes time to wade through those feelings and figure out if they're rooted in something deeper.

[shheadz]

Man, I am really on edge tonight. I've been ignoring her calls for a couple weeks. I've been ignoring her requests to come over. I've started ignoring her at work beyond normal work place stuff. I won't even look at her. She hasn't felt this breakup the way I have, because she assumed I was going to be there for her. She's starting to panic now.

She spent the first hour of work tonight trying to get me to talk to her. Didn't do it. Then she started texting me over and over, asking if she could come over tonight and talk. I kept telling her no, and finally started ignoring her. She stormed out of work tonight without saying goodbye to anyone. I know she's hurt.

She thinks I'm just being a dick, but I'm not. What I can't tell her.. What I won't tell her.. is how much I'm still really in love with her. I won't give her that satisfaction. I can't even look at her at work because I know I only need to see one smile, or look into her eyes for one brief moment, and I'll be done. I'll just fall madly in love with her all over again. I can't let myself do that. I spend the whole week getting over her, and I'm not going to let myself become putty in her hands at the end of the week.

This is really hard for me. I want to curl up into a ball and die.

[Dogtoast]

Man, I am really on edge tonight. I've been ignoring her calls for a couple weeks. I've been ignoring her requests to come over. I've started ignoring her at work beyond normal work place stuff. I won't even look at her. She hasn't felt this breakup the way I have, because she assumed I was going to be there for her. She's starting to panic now.

She spent the first hour of work tonight trying to get me to talk to her. Didn't do it. Then she started texting me over and over, asking if she could come over tonight and talk. I kept telling her no, and finally started ignoring her. She stormed out of work tonight without saying goodbye to anyone. I know she's hurt.

She thinks I'm just being a dick, but I'm not. What I can't tell her.. What I won't tell her.. is how much I'm still really in love with her. I won't give her that satisfaction. I can't even look at her at work because I know I only need to see one smile, or look into her eyes for one brief moment, and I'll be done. I'll just fall madly in love with her all over again. I can't let myself do that. I spend the whole week getting over her, and I'm not going to let myself become putty in her hands at the end of the week.

This is really hard for me. I want to curl up into a ball and die.

Thanks for telling me to read this thread, shheadz. Your situation is so similiar to mine. As you know I also work with my ex, and just like your situation I'll be leaving my workplace environment soon, only its because I'm starting a new business.

I'm also starting to cut my ex off just as you had recently been describing in this thread. The advances she's been making towards me as far as wanting to hang out are getting the cold shoulder from me. I too have to ignore her and not give in, because I KNOW I will fall back in love with her at the drop of a hat.

She's seen how confident I've been and she likes it. She's a relationship jumper though, and if I took her back there's a good possibility she'll just find someone else like she did the first time I got back with her. She'll be forced to find another dude soon as I'm not making myself available to her. I'd love to just go back to her, and it feels good that she's making advances, but I would be a punk if I did that...a bitch rather as I'd be letting her use me.

I've already seen her texting to some other guy this morning, so I'm sure her advances which were as recent as last night will end soon. I wish she wasn't like this, because if I knew she loved me and wanted me, I would take her back and be happy. She's confused and doesn't know what she wants, and like your ex, she needs to know she can have me at any time. I'm not depressed about her, just upset that she's pulling this shit. Its almost like she's trying to hurt me when she is selfish like this. I've just got to keep distancing myself, because if I continued to go on dates with her, and she ended up pulling back on me again, and maybe started talking to another guy, I'd be CRUSHED. I wont do it to myself, as much as I really enjoy being with her. As much as she makes me happy. I can't do it, I'd be dumb if I did.