Help what do I do?

[tundra]

First of all I'm a female and I have been in a relationship with my girlfried for nine and a half years. She told me that she needed a break because she needs do what's best for her. We have lived together for five years and we still live together just as friends. The past two weeks I was staying at my mom's because she needed time to think without me at home. When I came back to our house she told me that she missed my company and friendship. She also told me that for now we can only be friends. It's almost a month and everytime I see her go out I cry it hurts me so much because I'm afraid I'm never getting her back. I really don't know why she is risking loosing me forever. We both still love each other. She has told me that eventually she will get back with me but what if it's too late. I love her so much I feel like I can't live without her. Please help I don't know what to do.

[lazyfirefly]

First of all, I'm a guy. Just throwing that out there. I know it's the 'Ask a Female Forum' but I have some advice. I've seen this kind of situation in one of my good friends. To be quite blunt, here are some things to think about:

1. Open up. Tell her everything. She may blow it right back in your face, but on the other hand she could have been waiting, hoping to hear it. She could be testing you, to see how much you truely care for her. Maybe let her catch you cry?

2. Think about this, you say you have been in this relationship for nine years. Is it possible she wanted to take the next step, whatever that might be? Again the solution is simply to talk to her.

3. You say nothing. She leaves you. What did you gain? Nothing. What did you lose? Everything. At least if you discuss the problem and she rejects it you will be able to say that you tried everything you could. Trust me, you don't want to have to live with the fact that you could have done more.

4. The best relationships are formed from their ups and downs. It is true that sharing pain with someone can greatly increase the strength of a bond. If as you say, she still loves you, then she will be hurting to. Again, you have been together nine years. There must have been ups and downs, therefore making a solid base for a relationship. I would think it would take something quite major to tear that down.

So there you go. I hope it can help, or at least give you something to think about. And don't ever feel hopeless, because there is a strength deep down in everyone. You will get through this.

[tundra]

I have told her the way I feel. She tells me that she is hurting too but that she needs to do what's best for her. The reason she wanted a break was because I was with my family during the holidays and what she wants is to be with me when I go over to my families house. But one thing is that my family doesn't know that I'm gay or that we were together plus they don't really approve of her because she was the one I left home with five years ago. I've cried in front of her but she tells me that it's a big turn off. We have discussed what is going to happen I have asked her how long she needs and she tells me that she doesn't know. She tells me until my family approves of her. Right now we talk like nothing happened just like friends and it hurts. On Friday and Saturday she went out with her friend and on Saturday night she didn't come home till 6:40am.

I feel that I should just move on because I don't see any progress I feel like why should I cry myself to sleep if it seems like it doesn't bother her. I'm trying to be strong and get through this be it's very hard. I have already asked her what if she looses me and she told me that she would just have to deal with that. I don't want anyone but her because we have so much love for one another but I feel like I should just give up. Move on and see what's out there for me. She tells me that if we were meant to be together it will happen.

What do you think I should do?

[vashti]

It sounds like she doesn't want to live her life being your "dirty little secret". Surely you can understand that. If you want to keep her, you will need to come out to your family. Hopefully, you didn't wait too long, and she will come back.

[tundra]

Yes your right she may not want to live her life being my "dirty little secret" but her parents don't know about us. She will never tell her mom that me and her are together because her mom is a true Christian and will never accept that. I think my parents may have an idea that we are together because we would go everywhere together and when I would talk about places I'd go I would always mention my girlfriend. But one thing that my mom has told me that they will never accept me being gay because that's not the way they raised me. I have told my cousin that I'm gay and she's fine with it. I just wish my parents would understand that I love my girlfriend with all my heart I'd give up anything just to be with her.

Lately we have been talking but just as friends. We joke around with each other and stuff everything seems the same except we don't tell each other I love you, hold hands or kiss. It's hard but I'm trying to get through it one day at a time. One thing that I'm trying to do is take my mind off things in order to get through but there are times that I catch myself crying. I miss her so much and it hurts but I have to be strong. She tells me that I just need to give her time so that she can see what she wants out of this. Everyday I just wish she would go into my room and just tell me that she wants to be with me.

One thing that she has told me is that she has done so much for me in the past nine and a half years. And that everything she would do would be for someone else and this time she needs to do this for herself. I sometimes think she wants to know how it is to be with a guy or with someone else. But seriously the only reason I cheated on her when we were first together was because my parents were convinced that I was gay and I couldn't let them see that. I understand I was her first true love and first relationship so I guess I just need to give her the time she needs and hopefully at the end she wants to be with me. We have been through so much I just hope and pray we can get through this one.