Should I end it?

[Maya125]

Hey All,
My name is Maya. I just turned 23 years old. I am not looking to get married right at this moment but I definitely feel like I should already be with the person I'm going to marry. I would possibly like to get married in a few years. For now I would like to have fun and travel with the person I am with. However, the person I am with does not seem like he would even be remotely ready to get married until like 10 years. There are a lot of things he says or does that I guess are signs that he is not looking to settle down in the near future, or even seem like the marriage type. For one he doesn't want kids until he is in his 30s, he says no one should have kids under 30 and burden themselves with them..that they will ruin their lives. He acts like he doesn't even like kids. He practically hates his 6 y.o. niece. He is not close to his family..which worries me. I think I am actually closer to his parents than he is at the moment. He sees them as an annoyance in his life, and his older sister-who he lives with. He said he never wears jewelery and that he doesn't think he can wear a wedding ring if we ever did get married. He practically works all the time...barely calls me anymore..barely spends time with me anymore, and when he does he doesn't seem all there. If I suggest going out together somewhere, or to a friends house he is always too tired to go, or he just doesn't want to. He just wants to stay home and sleep. He's basically boring to be around now. He acts like a 'loner' around me..does not want to be bothered but around his other friends he seems very social. He was not like this before. We used to do a lot of things together...and he would show excitement. Ok..some background info.


We went to high school together but didn't really become friends till senior year. He was always a little geeky and timid, and I had several close friends...he had his too. We barely spoke till the end of senior year and then we ended up going to college together which is when we started going out. We have been going out for 4 years. In the beginning he pursued me, he was very persistent, while I didn't want to go out with him at first. Well I gave it a chance and he was a great bf. He put a lot of effort into it, always wanted to be with me, called a lot, we happily went out a lot, hung out with friends, dinner, etc. He even spoke of marriage, and said that he wanted to be with me forever. Over the years though, he has changed. He's become more independent, which is natural. Yes, he is becoming a man(he is 22). But he's also become more confident..which is great but along with that came cockiness. He's way into his looks now and clothes, and meeting a lot of 'cool' ppl. I feel like he is forgetting himself. Some days I feel like he would rather hang out with his 'new' friends/coworkers than with me. I just don't feel the excitement to be with me-coming from him. I feel like he is just with me now cause he is used to it..and doesn't know how to be without me, or get rid of me. Maybe this isn't the case but it's just how I feel. He always says 'I love you' but his actions speak clearly. Please be honest..what do you guys think? Should I just break things off and make it easy for him? Go our separate ways?

[oli]

just read your situation, to be honest i would talk to him about this, it sounds to me like he maybe taking you for granted, i think that he needs to remember the reasons why he got together with you and why he wants to be with you because he was the one chasing you. I dont know his work schedule but he needs to make time for you and also do things with you that you both enjoy. Maybe you need a break from each other, maybe he needs a chance to miss you, 4 years is a long time to be with someone how do you feel for him?

I hope any of this info helps

Oli

[vashti]

Hmm... well, I have several thoughts.

First of all, your expectations may be out of line. After 4 years, the sparkle of a new relationship is gonna be gone for pretty much everyone. This is basically a childhood romance, so I would be surprised if BOTH of you weren't wondering what it would be like to be with other people. It's possible you are just outgrowing each other.

As for him not wanting to be bothered with kids until he is in his 30s - I think that is very wise, especially if he isn't even sure he likes kids (BTW - lots of males are uncomfortable around kids). Also, a lot of people ONLY like their own kids.

About the wedding ring - eh, who cares? Again, lots of men don't wear them, and even some women (I don't wear mine).

You are still very young - too young to be worried about getting married, in my opinion. The divorce rates are very high for people your age, and they fall for people who are around 30. You are still growing up (both of you), and are probably only seeing glimpses of the woman you will be in 5 years or the man he will be at that time.

I don't know if you should break up - that is for you to decide, but I can tell you this: it's better to move on than to try to force a fit.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think he's "forgetting himself", I think he's growing up and apart from you. This isn't a tragedy. It's perfectly normal. Almost nobody ends up with their first serious boyfriend because you're usually so young you don't even know who you are yet.

He's growing into someone you aren't compatible with.