It's just about sex, right?

[ruins]

I met this guy on myspace about a year ago now. We've been talking on the phone for about as long. He says he loves me but he lives with the mother of his child. He says that I am a fantasy that he can never realize... so as far as I can tell, he just wants me to send him dirty pictures, and sleep with him when his girlfriend is out of town. [I've yet to do the latter, and I'm not sure if I will or not. I'm not single anymore, either... and I know I shouldn't be talking to him, but I do care about him and I've yet to be able to stop myself.]

So, the other day he asked me if I would meet with him while he is in my town for a work conference, as he's going to be staying in a hotel for a few days. No girlfriend. No baby. I told him I'd meet him, but I wasn't going to sleep with him. He said, "This has never been about sex, that's just a bonus." I asked him what it is about then... and he said he didn't know. I said something to the tune of, "Yes you do. You just want to screw around on your fat girlfriend. And that is fine. I just want you to acknowledge it." He got mad, said that I could go **** myself... He told me that if I don't think he is sincere, that I shouldn't talk to him. Sincere about what? I have no idea. The best I can figure is that he wants me to believe that he loves me and thus let him use me as this fantasy he is always talking about... now I don't mind being used in that way [by him, because I do care about him, once again], I just don't want to be treated as if I'm stupid. In my experience, men are simple: You like sex... and that's all that really matters. This guy seems to be a little more complex... or he is trying to appear to be more complex. I'm not sure.

So my question is... what do you think is going on in this guy's head?

[vashti]

I'm actually more interested in knowing what is going on in YOUR head. Neither of you is available, nor do you plan to be, and yet you are allowing yourself to be ruled by your unstable emotions and engaging in dirty behavior when you could just as easily be single. Do you have absolutely NO self respect?

[1337lizard]

You're cheating on your boyfriend by continuing this with this guy. Knock it off.

You've essentially got a side relationship going with a guy who has a girlfriend and child. He uses you as an escape. You're an emotional out from the dullness and stress of his normal life and sex IS a part of it. Some people would call what's going on 'emotional cheating'. But it goes deeper than that since you two are talking about sex. But he sounds like trash and you're lowering yourself to his level by copying his behavior.

[VincenzoG91]

It isn't always about sex, but in this case, it does seem to be about just sex. He's too cheap to pay for an escort, so he's hoping you can entertain him for free. The only slight complexity is that he might be fooling himself into thinking that there is a romantic aspect to this situation that makes it less tawdry. Forget him, especially since you aren't single anyway.

[ruins]

I'm actually more interested in knowing what is going on in YOUR head. Neither of you is available, nor do you plan to be, and yet you are allowing yourself to be ruled by your unstable emotions and engaging in dirty behavior when you could just as easily be single. Do you have absolutely NO self respect?

I anticipated responses like this as I'm aware that this sort of thing isn't socially acceptable. It really isn't as simple as you make it out to be, however. I have a financially symbiotic, but rather stale relationship with my boyfriend. Things like this happen. Humans are not monogamous creatures, as much as we'd like to think that we are.

And to answer your question: Yes. I have oodles. :]

[Lite]

Actually, it is as simple as he makes it out to be. You're complicating it with excuses because you don't want to deal with the financial consequences of leaving your boyfriend. You may have some false sense of respect for yourself, but it's obvious that you don't actually respect your boyfriend and he deserves better than that.

No, you're screwing around with someone on the internet that isn't actually real. You can start a relationship online, but you can't actually have a real relationship online. It just doesn't work that way. What you get is a pseudo person putting on a show for you to make you believe you're something that you're not.

As for sex. Sure guys like sex, even better they like easy sex. But frankly most guys are a lot more complicated than wanting to just get laid.

Sounds like you're just full of excuses as to why you shouldn't do the right thing both for yourself and your boyfriend, and because of this you have no problem being involved with someone else who isn't actually available either.

[ruins]

Actually, it is as simple as he makes it out to be. You're complicating it with excuses because you don't want to deal with the financial consequences of leaving your boyfriend. You may have some false sense of respect for yourself, but it's obvious that you don't actually respect your boyfriend and he deserves better than that.

No, you're screwing around with someone on the internet that isn't actually real. You can start a relationship online, but you can't actually have a real relationship online. It just doesn't work that way. What you get is a pseudo person putting on a show for you to make you believe you're something that you're not.

As for sex. Sure guys like sex, even better they like easy sex. But frankly most guys are a lot more complicated than wanting to just get laid.

Sounds like you're just full of excuses as to why you shouldn't do the right thing both for yourself and your boyfriend, and because of this you have no problem being involved with someone else who isn't actually available either.

My boyfriend is no better than I am.

Technically I don't talk to him online, I talk to him on the phone. I know, I'm being anal, but that bothered me. I did meet him once before he moved across the state. He was right there in front of me, so I am pretty sure he's real, unless I'm even more mentally unstable than vashti seems to think I am.

Ha. I wouldn't say, "most."

I thought you said I couldn't be involved with someone with whom my primary means of contact is the telephone? It just doesn't work that way.

[ruins]

It isn't always about sex, but in this case, it does seem to be about just sex. He's too cheap to pay for an escort, so he's hoping you can entertain him for free. The only slight complexity is that he might be fooling himself into thinking that there is a romantic aspect to this situation that makes it less tawdry. Forget him, especially since you aren't single anyway.

That is more or less what I believe / wanted to hear. Except for the "forget him" part, but that is my decision. Thank you for your input.

[Lite]

I thought you said I couldn't be involved with someone with whom my primary means of contact is the telephone? It just doesn't work that way.

I said you can't have a real relationship over the internet. Frankly over the phone isn't any different, and meeting someone once does not make them any more of a real person. Right now there seems to be a lot of hormones involved, and not a lot of actual real relationship stuff.

You can start a relationship in this manner, but you can't carry one on in that way. It's not a real relationship until you two stop acting on your best behavior around each other. That just doesn't happen online, over the phone, or long distance.

I'm not trying to be mean and dismissive about it, that's just not how relationships work. I've done the phone/internet thing several times, and like I said, you can start relationships that way, but you can't have a relationship that way. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

[ruins]

You're cheating on your boyfriend by continuing this with this guy. Knock it off.

You've essentially got a side relationship going with a guy who has a girlfriend and child. He uses you as an escape. You're an emotional out from the dullness and stress of his normal life and sex IS a part of it. Some people would call what's going on 'emotional cheating'. But it goes deeper than that since you two are talking about sex. But he sounds like trash and you're lowering yourself to his level by copying his behavior.

You've sort of described what this "relationship" is like for me. Not for him, though, in my opinion. I disagree with you that I am cheating. There has been no actual sex. It seems harmless to me. I don't believe he's trash, either. I think he's human.

Thank you, anyway, for your reply.

[ruins]

I said you can't have a real relationship over the internet. Frankly over the phone isn't any different, and meeting someone once does not make them any more of a real person. Right now there seems to be a lot of hormones involved, and not a lot of actual real relationship stuff.

You can start a relationship in this manner, but you can't carry one on in that way. It's not a real relationship until you two stop acting on your best behavior around each other. That just doesn't happen online, over the phone, or long distance.

I'm not trying to be mean and dismissive about it, that's just not how relationships work. I've done the phone/internet thing several times, and like I said, you can start relationships that way, but you can't have a relationship that way. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

I don't believe that I have a real relationship with him. Nor am I trying to make a relationship happen, I am aware that it can't. However, I do believe that you can come to care about someone by talking to them on the phone [And, yes... the phone and the internet. Same thing. I know. Just felt like you didn't read what I wrote.] I probably wouldn't have believed that before I met him, but I do now. Call me naive. I'll grant you that, in this particular case, anyway. And, sure, hormones. We have those. We're young. They're very much involved, I'm sure.

I understand what you're saying. But, like I said, I wouldn't call this a relationship. I don't know what it is, really. Or what I'm doing, which is why I'm here, I suppose. I simply wanted a man's objective input on it because I can't seem to get an answer out of him. He just gets angry. Or feigns anger. Whatever.

I didn't take it that way. And I believe you, sir.

[1337lizard]

You've sort of described what this "relationship" is like for me. Not for him, though, in my opinion. I disagree with you that I am cheating. There has been no actual sex. It seems harmless to me. I don't believe he's trash, either. I think he's human.

Thank you, anyway, for your reply.

You don't have to have sex to cheat on a boyfriend/girlfriend. If it's harmless then tell me, would you be comfortable having him standing next to you while interact with this guy? If the answer is no, then it's not harmless. And it sounds to me like he wouldn't be comfortable with what you've been doing either.

[ruins]

You don't have to have sex to cheat on a boyfriend/girlfriend. If it's harmless then tell me, would you be comfortable having him standing next to you while interact with this guy? If the answer is no, then it's not harmless. And it sounds to me like he wouldn't be comfortable with what you've been doing either.

He can stand next to me while I "interact" with This Guy all day, if he really wants to. ;]
I know you have to assume a certain amount, but try assuming that Boyfriend is no saint. I'm not all about making him comfortable 100% of the time.
Thanks again.

[Roymax]

He says that I am a fantasy that he can never realize... so as far as I can tell, he just wants me to send him dirty pictures, and sleep with him when his girlfriend is out of town.

Sounds like sex to me...at least he's being honest with you about that part.

Here's the contradiction:

He said, "This has never been about sex, that's just a bonus."

I asked him what it is about then... and he said he didn't know.

Talk about "dishonesty"...he seems to know but doesn't even want to admit it to you.

I said something to the tune of, "Yes you do. You just want to screw around on your fat girlfriend. And that is fine.

Yes, it's fine to cheat why not go ahead. If it's not cheating then ask your current boyfriend if he's also cool with having an "open" relationship. If so more power to you guys.

He got mad, said that I could go **** myself... He told me that if I don't think he is sincere, that I shouldn't talk to him.

Wonderful, so this is what you look for in a man? He told you to go screw your self because you were doubting his BS. So how many times does he have to change his position on things before you can believe him. Complexed guy?..well, yeah.

Sincere about what?
Just look at the above contradiction and tell me if that is sincerity for you. Sure there are honest guys out there but "based" on what what you told he definitely is contradicting himself to you. He tells you it's a bonus but yet he doesn't know. lol

I don't mean to laugh but you can do better than this guy.

[by him, because I do care about him, once again],

Why do you care about him? because..

I just don't want to be treated as if I'm stupid.

He is treating you that way don't you see. Don't let him do this to you anymore.

In my experience, men are simple: You like sex... and that's all that really matters.

You must have been attracting the wrong guys. That certainly doesn't speak for me...sure I like sex but I'd rather her have a sincere heart put into it to make it more meaningful. I could go to an escort but there's nothing meaningful afterwards. In the long run most men want to be "emotionally" loved by a partner not just "physical". Your heart is either with that person or it's not.

This guy seems to be a little more complex... or he is trying to appear to be more complex. I'm not sure.

Well, yes he is complexed because he has changed his position by not being honest with you and you seem to be falling for it.

thus let him use me as this fantasy he is always talking about... now I don't mind being used in that way

Well, that pretty much explains it then.
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Do yourself a favor don't let him think of you as just a fantasy and be able to use you for just that purpose. Anyone can say I love you but based on what you wrote he doesn't show it. Give him a reality check