Any hope or just dilusional?

[FMT]

Hi guys,

First time posting on here and it comes after a breakup with my 3+ year gf.

She initiated the breakup and it was because she had resentment and wasn't as happy as she should be. She loves me and says I'm a great guy and wishes we met under circumstances which she thinks would prevented the breakup.

These circumstances were basically me coming into her life a week after she broke up with an ex and me falling in love with her months afterwards and pressuring her into a relationship. She also didn't want to let me go at the same time she didn't want a relationship and so we eventually became an "item." During the last year of our relationship we had near-breakups 3 times and always for the same reason.

She says that this pressure and the lack of time for herself had grown into some sort of negative feelings towards me and restricted her from loving me the way I loved her. After the blinders I sported for 3 years came off, I agreed that she did not love me the way I loved her. She had no idea why she couldn't love me the way I "deserved." I accepted her explanation 2 weeks after the breakup after 2 previous calls asking her to get back together and amend the relationship. Those 3 calls in total were the only additional communication I had with her even though we remain facebook friends.

During those phone calls she told me she has no desire for a relationship with anyone at all and just wants time for herself. She says she loves me and wants me to be happy, she doesn't want me to limit myself, and if another woman comes into my life than so be it. She was always crying and in the third phone call was the only one that didn't push her back and she doesn't want me to hate her and she still loves me.

It's hard to not think about it even a month afterward without communication. And even if she did come back I would have to know if she could truly love me the way I deserved to be. It's been a month now and our 4 year anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks and I'm sure she will be thinking about it. I just don't know what to do at this moment besides give her space.

[FrailWings]

It seems because you pressured her, and that you came into her life so fast after a relationship, it may not have felt natural hence she doesn't feel as strong as you do. To keep it short and to the point, do nothing. Do some no contact, this will allow her time to miss you, sort herself out and yourself. She needs her space and time to miss you. Make her intiate contact and don't go chasing. She needs time alone, give her it. It'll benefit both of you.

[FMT]

Thanks for the reply, I checked out your recent post too which I think helped as well.

[cmacattack1]

It wasn't your fault that you came into her life under those circumstances. She probably felt lonely afterwards and you filled that void. It's not like she told you to stay away and you blantantly came after her after her and her ex broke up, is it? She has to take responsibilities for her actions and that she let her lonliness and emotions get in the way of logic: that being with you right after her ex and not having time to deal with it would ultimately lead to this. And that she didn't want to let you go, you were her cushion. And rarely do we every fall in love with our cushion for the long term because they are just there to break your fall. They serve the purpose.

The best part of the break up is the time after to really get your shit in order, to give yourself time to learn about it and really analyze it one hundred percent to figure out things they did wrong and things you did wrong and how to engrain it in your head so that you never do it again.

It's also her fault for harboring this resentment. Was she not honest about it and letting it build up until it got to this point? She wasn't being honest with her feelings. Wrong. And those close break ups should have been a warning sign for you too, the more it happens the more apparent it becomes. You are getting back together as a temporary band-aid for lonliness and nothing is going to be solved in the long run.

It's so difficult to have a long lasting relationship on those shaky grounds, even though 3 years is a long time. Longer than I've been in that was happy and without break ups. This break up was probably the best thing to happen to you guys, because not only do you get time apart to really be on your own and become a better person (or whoever you want to be), you have a long lasting strong bond that isn't just going to go away. You both have made a permanent mark on each other. This is an opportunity to become a better person and fix those mistakes you are analyzing right now.

Take some time, take a deep breath and embrace this opportunity. Don't do it in terms of her, do it for yourself. Do this so that no matter what happens, whether you have a future with her or somebody else, you are ready. You do it for her, and she isn't a part of your life after, your effort crumbles. You are going to have to bite the bullet and let this anniversary pass. It's too soon to come a long way for either of you. It takes time.

[FMT]

Thanks cmacattack1, I don't plan on making first contact with her at all. So far I'm trying to get over this hump in my life just need assurance I'm doing the right thing.

[cmacattack1]

By leaving her alone to figure things out on her own, you are doing the right thing. It may not seem it, it may be scary and lonely, but it is the logical thing to do. If she has some time to sort things out and STILL wants to talk to you and be with you, then you know how she feels is genuine because that is what she wanted to do without your influence. Popping up in her picture again and again is just going to be interruptions, which is tempting to do because we want to make sure they don't forget about us. That's just insecurity because how can you honestly not think about somebody you've been bonded to for years and years? She hasn't forgotten, do not worry.

Working on you and getting yourself back to who you were and better is pretty important. If she were to ever pop back up, and you were still a sad depressing mess clinging onto the pieces of the old relationship, there wouldn't be any reason to be with you. It's simply not attractive. And if she doesn't, you'll be poised and ready for whoever else comes your way.

It sounds like you are taking this very well. It's been a month and you've had time to calm it down a bit. Most of these threads are long stories and tirades because we are still caught in the middle of it and have so much to get out. I'm jealous that you have this much control. You are handling it the right way.

[FMT]

Thanks, it's hard as heck but I gotta do what I gotta do I suppose. Even if it's nothing lol. Uncertainty and shock are fading away and each passing day I get twice as better as the last.

[Lite]

Eh, you managed to make yourself the rebound relationship. It happens.