Here is my tale...any help would be vastly appreciated...

[Nighthaven]

How to start...you know, it's funny how you always have something that's buzzing constantly in your mind and then when you finally get up the courage to share your tale with complete strangers you're immediately tongue tied or in this case keyboard challenged. Ironically, I do tend to open up to strangers quite easily if given the chance but I digress...this posting is for me to try and describe to you all what is going on with my life and how it can change or improve or somehow find a remedy for why I am the way I am.

Let's just begin with the basics. Thirty six years old and I haven't had a real relationship in almost ten years and for a variety of reasons that all seemingly point back to the big question: why can't I allow myself to fall in love again?

All through high school I never had any kind of romantic relationships. I was a rather large guy of the 300lb variety and I didn't really dress to a T nor did I really care what others thought. Sure I had my eyes on a few women whom I'd gotten the courage to talk to but each one of them was a rejection with your usual excuses "you're not my type, etc." but I never really gave up because in the wide scope of things there seemed to be a lot of women out there. But beneath the surface I never could understand or even grasp the concept of love. Naivety to the very subject of romance was probably my biggest thing. I'd grown up watching movie after movie after movie and you could say I was taking pointers from here and there and seeing if one would work. Naturally they wouldn't but sometimes you'd find someone who would understand what you were referring to although these types of people were both rare and, of course, unavailable.

My first "real" relationship came in the form of someone who I'd met over the Internet and who lived about two thousand miles away. I found that being able to talk to women on the 'net was MUCH easier than in reality because in my mind it's all about the first impression and to me everyone saw me and wouldn't want to talk to me at all for any number of reasons. I never tried to talk to them so it sort of built itself up to some big stumbling block that would forever haunt me until this day.

Let me preface this by saying that ALL of my romantic relationships have been online with LOTS of distance between the two of us.

So anyway, my first relationship felt wonderful and we did meet a few times and shared ourselves in every way possible. I was elated and overjoyed that I was finally in love and in the beginning days from the moment I woke up until the minute I went to sleep I was happy and even in my dreams it was nothing but paradise for me. But after some time it changed. She had to return home and I was left alone. It was just me in an empty house alone. You have plenty of time to brood and think the worst when there is nothing to do but sit and imagine just how wonderful it WAS when she was here in my arms. But I felt like I'd lost everything when in reality nothing in her mind had changed and she still loved me more than anything. She even said this to me in our frequent emails. Why I couldn't get it into my thick skull I just couldn't understand.

Over the course of the almost two year relationship I completely changed who I was. All of her favorites were now my favorites. I ordered the same food as her, I would lavish her with gifts thinking it remind her of how much I care. It ended because I got so insecure being apart from her all the time that I ended up making false accusations and "leaving" her. The damage from this first breakup scarred me deeper than anything I've ever felt.

Other relationships I had were with women I loved but in reality I felt so hurt from the first breakup that I could never bring myself to open my heart to any woman again. Compounding this was being rejected after spending years corresponding with a gal who, when we'd finally agreed to meet and I flew out to stay with her, dumped me after only being with her for twelve hours.

In each relationship I changed who I was to become almost a carbon copy of the woman I was with because I felt that if I liked what they liked we'd get along better. Yes, when we first started talking the person they'd come to love was the REAL me but then once those "I love yous" are said it's like a switch is flipped and I go into some weird mental metamorphosis.

After the first three relationships I let myself go and gained a lot of weight to the point where I was just shy of the 500lb mark. I just didn't care what happened to me even though I so desperately wanted to be able to love someone but hiding behind the assumed premise of "no woman wants to date a big fat guy" I used it as an excuse - a reason - to distance myself from being able to be in love.

A few years ago I had an awakening of sorts when my family no longer sat by while I allowed myself to waste away. They all jumped to my side to motivate me to get in shape. I got onto the weight loss surgery plan and had it done on my in 2008. I've lost almost two hundred pounds and am about 275lbs now and short of the extra skin I look wonderful. People look at me different, WOMEN look at me different, and instead of the frowns or dirty looks I got as a large person I'm getting smiled at and waved at.....but....

The problem that remains is...I am still afraid to love. Maybe I'm wired wrong and just don't have the capacity to love someone. No woman wants a man who will just change himself for the next person who walks into the room. I think I've gotten better at it but it's gotten to the point where I'm so terrified to lose myself again that I've distanced myself from everyone. Strangely enough, I frequently dream about being in love and those dreams fill me with a warmth that is indescribable but upon opening my eyes I'm back in reality. I guess the dreams are so "perfect" because the only person I can be is myself as there is simply no one else to "copy" if you get my drift.

I've tried talking to counselors but being the way I am all I will ever do is tell them what they want to hear and that is never going to help me. I've got a very small circle of friends - all online friends, mind you - who I talk to but I don't reveal many details about myself to them. I take very good care of myself now that I've lost the weight but the biggest thing keeping me from being truly happy is my mind.

What is wrong with me? What do I do? Will I ever be able to open myself up? Will I ever be able to NOT change who I am for the next woman who walks into the room?

...I just don't know...

...thank you for reading.

[Gigabitch]

You need to find a better counselor. No, scratch that. You need an actual therapist. Someone that won't be fooled when you start to do contortions to please them. Your problems go MUCH deeper than emotional reticence.

Therapy is expensive, especially for someone good. It's worth every penny. Make this your priority.