My wife has no sex drive, what can I do?

[Doc Durian]

Maybe she's depressive and undiagnosed.

It can effect sex drive.

[Incognito]

A few things to note: obviously your woman isn't the norm. While my guy walking around naked would be awesome... to your wife it is probably verging on repulsing (do not take offense- I'm sure you're looking fine and in great shape). So you need to be more creative if you aren't already. It alsmost sounds as if you're trying to get her to sleep with you in the same way you would want her to get you to sleep with her. (Does that make sense even?). She doesn't want pensis flying in her face, nor sexual remarkes to make her panties wet. This is NOT what works for her. It works opposite. (Granted I don't think she's the type that will ever be all that interested in sex with you unfortunately.)

Anyways- so you're not lazy. That's a bonus but you did not mention a single thing about romance. Does she *feel* appriacted? Does she *feel* loved, wanted and desired (in a non-sexual way first, sexual way second)? Do you wine, dine her? Kiss, cuddle? Hug, caress? Massage? Pamper, pay her compliments? If you say yes, to all these be honest- no one does ALL, always room for improvement. If still none of this works and she refuses to talk about it... I think your choice is limited... to toys if your refuse to consider counselling or divorce.

I see your point about me trying to turn her on how I'd like to be turned on (just because I like tomato on everything doesn't mean that she does). You are right I didn't address romance because it was too broad a topic for me to simply say "yes" to. I can address the specifics you mentioned though.

Her "feeling" loved, wanted, desired: She may not feel those things as much as she used to because of all the things we have been through, but when the marriage was still fresh she felt all of those things and still didn't want sex.
Do I wine and dine her? : We eat out privately when we can (she has a daughter), and I cook special dishes that she likes, but it makes no difference.
Kiss? We don't kiss much anymore because of the disconnect that I feel between us, but as with all other things that wasn't a problem at first and she still didn't want sex.
Cuddle? : I made it a point (for years) to cuddle without trying to have sex, but that didn't matter.
Hug? : I always hugged her for no reason, and still try to. She usually stands there stiff as a board and waits for me to finish. Not always, but most of the time.
Caress? : Yes, but she usually tells me to stop because it tickles. She HATES to be tickled.
Massage? : I used to do this. I got a book, message oils, and did it regularly. After a while it just seemed one sided and I stopped doing it.
Pamper? : I cook for her and buy her things. Does that count?
Compliments? : This is a sore subject that I have complained to her about before. I no longer compliment her. It is not because I don't find her attractive, but because I am dismissed or rebuffed when I do.
I used to do all of those things, but now not so much now and others I have stopped for the reasons listed above. Despite that the fact remains that I did, in fact, do all of those things and the sexual drive still wasn't there.

[Gigabitch]

We eat out privately when we can (she has a daughter), and I cook special dishes that she likes, but it makes no difference.

WTF? Okay, when you said you didn't have sex before marriage, I assumed you were virgins. Apparently, she was not. How did this happen? How did this woman get you to marry her and do all the wonderful things you do and not hold up her end of the bargain? Yes, sex is part of the bargain.

[girl68]

HUH. Well then I think you NEED to visit counselling. Consider this: sometimes its *easier* to talk to strangers. They don't judge you, they're professional, they don't gossip, spread rumors and any of that sort. It might actaully be easier for her to talk to someone else.

So she really won't even tell you the why she's not interested in sex? Have you covered all bases? Religion? Past experiences? Was she a virgin when you married her? Edit: not a virgin... Umm yeah WTF?!

[Incognito]

There is something deeply wrong with your wife. She's a dud. I can't understand what possessed you to simply assume that you'd be compatible sexually and not make it your business to discover her glacial frigidity BEFORE you married her. If it was the "gentlemanly" thing to do, consider that it may also be gentlemanly to keep your hands off of her unless you're trying to impregnate her.

Personally, I think that's ****ed up, but it's too late to take back your ring and your vows now. What, exactly, do you think her problem is? Religious issues? If so, the church can actually help you.

Actually we did everything except sex before we got married and she was pretty gung ho about it. The only reason we actually "did anything" though was because we were already engaged, so I didn't think it was a big deal. I had no idea that things would turn out this way.

As much as I'd like to stay online.....it is snowing its ASS OFF outside and my tires are bald. I've got to get out of here while I still can. Keep responding everyone, I'll readd everything tomorrow if I can get back into the office.

[Gigabitch]

Actually we did everything except sex before we got married and she was pretty gung ho about it .

False advertising! That's not fair!

[Incognito]

No her daughter was 2 when we got married. I've asked all the questions because I am open about everything. I specifically asked if she was raped, because I wondered the same thing long ago. She said no. Religion isn't the issue either. Keep up the responses. Thanks.

[girl68]

I think we've covered our bases. She totally gave you the false impression that she loved dick. She hates it. She did this to get your vows out of you. She got it; she thinks she owes you nothing.

I mean you DO get your jollies off like what? 8 times a year. Lucky guy you...
END SARCASM.

[DarkNeko]

You must have something she wants if she married you. Are you rich? Have a nice house or car? Have a good reputation in your community? Famous in any way? I just can't understand why the hell someone would marry someone who they aren't compatible with...I know marriage isn't about having sex (ask any married person), but geez, *some* interest is good. Maybe she hates being a mother and can't admit to it, and fears getting pregnant with another little burden by having sex with you? I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel for possibilities here, but I think she's going to need a really good shrink to pry an explanation out of that head of hers.

[HappyToBeMe]

You need to reevaluate your self-esteem. Ask yourself what your worth is. If you felt you deserve better treatment, then you would have done something about it a long time ago. Kissing, cuddling, massages, romantic dinners, putting her on a pedestal, all that shows you THINK sex is some kind of prize for you rather than a mutual act of intimacy. If she asked you to jump up and down and bark like a dog for sex, would you do it?

[girl68]

Exactly... mututal she's practically refusing it all together. That's not mutual in any shape, way or form!

[starbuck]

I was wondering the same thing as Dark Neko, that maybe she married you for the security for her and her son and not for love.

She's not only asexual, but non-affectionate with you. I am really not sure why you're not considering a separation.

[Okay]

The only things I can think of at the moment are that She is:
-Depressed
-Asexual or Lesbian (Are there any other people in her life?)
-Menopausal..?

[AdminOnline]

This is why your *should* have sex before you get married. You'll never know if you're marrying one of these types. She said she's open to "working on it" ask her if counselling counts as "working on it".

good idea. LOL.

[Mish]

Infidelity is the only real grounds for divorce.

Not really. There are many different grounds for divorce. In your case it's incompatibility and irreconcilable differences. By insisting to not have sex before marriage you've picked the wrong person, now it looks like you have very little choice.